Venting Is life even worth living if you're autistic

[scary]

The title is just a hypothetical, I obviously don't think anyone's lives have any less value because of this. This post is purely just about me.

I have the type of autism that makes it feel impossible to do literally anything. I dropped out of school years ago due to this combined with depression and just feelings of worthlessness in general. My parents used to give me nothing but grief about how disappointed they are in me for dropping out, that I apparently had talent when it came to art and that I'm just wasting it by not going to college or something. I think they just gave up and accepted that I'm probably not gonna do anything with my life. I have so many relatives who are also on the spectrum and they're all just so smart and talented compared to me. I wish I had the being good at math or science autism instead of the being mentally challenged autism.

The only things I think about really is just suicide and my current interests. I hate myself for not being able to do actual work, even in school I'd remember being called out because I couldn't focus on the actual assignment and wasn't able to comprehend what was on the page or screen. When I got home I wouldn't do my homework and would just spend all of my time being uncontrollably fixated on things that I did like. In fact the main reason why I have so few posts despite how long I've been on here is because it takes me hours to get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way.

I guess I could use my interests to maybe develop a hobby of some kind. I've always been a bit fascinated by key-based instruments like keyboard, piano, synthesizer, etc. but instruments are so expensive. I think music in general is just one of the more expensive hobbies you could get into. People who grew up in lower class families know that bigger and more expensive gifts were for Christmas and maybe birthdays. But the thing is I already asked for an instrument one year: an electric guitar, but I found out the hard way that I absolutely fucking hate playing the guitar. I don't know why. I just chose that because it's the most popular electric based instrument and that it kinda seemed fun at the time. I think subconsciously I just asked for a guitar instead of a keyboard because I'd feel less bad if I sucked at it. If I found out that I'm terrible at the keyboard like I am with everything else, I'd hate myself more and end up hating the instrument itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful that I did get a guitar one year, I just don't think string based instruments are for me. I do feel like absolute shit every time I go into my closet and see it in its case though. It is a really gorgeous guitar, so dark blue it almost looks black from far away and even has hints of shine to it, I just wish I was smart enough and motivated enough to play it.
We did use to own one of those cheap electronic keyboards made for kids that had the row of instrument buttons at the top where one of them just sounded like the intro to Судно (Борис Рижий) by Molchat Doma, but they threw it away while we were moving cause no one would play it. I should've at least tried with that, sure it sounded like absolute hot garbage but at least it was something.

I'm just so goddamn useless, I can't do anything and I can't do anything right. I somewhat recently developed a habit of 'punishing' myself whenever I'd do even the littlest thing wrong by scratching or cutting my arms. But I'm sure that if we all lived in a Fahrenheit 451 style dystopian world I would've immediately been shot for being an autistic unproductive member of society. Why bother trying to even attempt at doing something myself? I can't mess up watching or listening to something someone else has made. I know that everyone makes mistakes, but I've had more than my share.

I'm currently listening to the trains make their rounds while I write this. I wish I had the courage to just lay on the tracks. They're right by my house, but it sounds like an absolute nightmare if I somehow mess up knowing my luck. Plus I just hate going outside.

 

[Whole-Ad]

I'm also autistic, I was diagnosed a few years ago. At first it helped because it explained why I struggled so much, especially at school.

But the more I think about it, it just shows that I can't do anything right and that this will never change. I can't make friends, and I struggle to talk to people I don't know. I hate going places on my own. I'm not intelligent or talented. I'm just autistic. There's something off about me and I don't know what it is that I do wrong, but people don't want to be friends with me.

There is no cure for this, I will be like this forever. At least with my depression there's things that can help, like medication (as much as I hate taking it). There's at least a chance things will be better in the future. If your dog was sick, you wouldn't let it suffer like this. So why am I left like this?

 

[xanthe]

i got diagnosed when i was 7 or 8 and it feels like a double edged sword for me. i was pretty academically gifted in school and autism definitely played a part in that, but the big downside was always the social aspect. ive always felt years behind everyone else my age even now. i got bullied a lot because i couldn't keep up with other people or id get overstimulated and not know how to respond the right way. i did my best to fit in and i got a bit better in later yrs but i still just always felt inferior to other people socially. then covid hit and wiped out years of social skills. now im introverted af and can barely hold conversations a lot of the time, and it sucks because i think its nice to talk to ppl.

i do think my life would be better if i didn't have it. i didn't rly try in high school and college and still did above average, so id take working my arse off for the same results, whilst feeling like a functioning member of society, over being autistic most days. its definitely a contributor to why im here. at the same time tho im aware it could be worse.

The title is just a hypothetical, I obviously don't think anyone's lives have any less value because of this. This post is purely just about me.

I have the type of autism that makes it feel impossible to do literally anything. I dropped out of school years ago due to this combined with depression and just feelings of worthlessness in general. My parents used to give me nothing but grief about how disappointed they are in me for dropping out, that I apparently had talent when it came to art and that I'm just wasting it by not going to college or something. I think they just gave up and accepted that I'm probably not gonna do anything with my life. I have so many relatives who are also on the spectrum and they're all just so smart and talented compared to me. I wish I had the being good at math or science autism instead of the being mentally challenged autism.

The only things I think about really is just suicide and my current interests. I hate myself for not being able to do actual work, even in school I'd remember being called out because I couldn't focus on the actual assignment and wasn't able to comprehend what was on the page or screen. When I got home I wouldn't do my homework and would just spend all of my time being uncontrollably fixated on things that I did like. In fact the main reason why I have so few posts despite how long I've been on here is because it takes me hours to get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way.

I guess I could use my interests to maybe develop a hobby of some kind. I've always been a bit fascinated by key-based instruments like keyboard, piano, synthesizer, etc. but instruments are so expensive. I think music in general is just one of the more expensive hobbies you could get into. People who grew up in lower class families know that bigger and more expensive gifts were for Christmas and maybe birthdays. But the thing is I already asked for an instrument one year: an electric guitar, but I found out the hard way that I absolutely fucking hate playing the guitar. I don't know why. I just chose that because it's the most popular electric based instrument and that it kinda seemed fun at the time. I think subconsciously I just asked for a guitar instead of a keyboard because I'd feel less bad if I sucked at it. If I found out that I'm terrible at the keyboard like I am with everything else, I'd hate myself more and end up hating the instrument itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful that I did get a guitar one year, I just don't think string based instruments are for me. I do feel like absolute shit every time I go into my closet and see it in its case though. It is a really gorgeous guitar, so dark blue it almost looks black from far away and even has hints of shine to it, I just wish I was smart enough and motivated enough to play it.
We did use to own one of those cheap electronic keyboards made for kids that had the row of instrument buttons at the top where one of them just sounded like the intro to Судно (Борис Рижий) by Molchat Doma, but they threw it away while we were moving cause no one would play it. I should've at least tried with that, sure it sounded like absolute hot garbage but at least it was something.

I'm just so goddamn useless, I can't do anything and I can't do anything right. I somewhat recently developed a habit of 'punishing' myself whenever I'd do even the littlest thing wrong by scratching or cutting my arms. But I'm sure that if we all lived in a Fahrenheit 451 style dystopian world I would've immediately been shot for being an autistic unproductive member of society. Why bother trying to even attempt at doing something myself? I can't mess up watching or listening to something someone else has made. I know that everyone makes mistakes, but I've had more than my share.

I'm currently listening to the trains make their rounds while I write this. I wish I had the courage to just lay on the tracks. They're right by my house, but it sounds like an absolute nightmare if I somehow mess up knowing my luck. Plus I just hate going outside.

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if ur no good with instruments (like me) but still wanna try making something musical, a good way to get into it is just playing around on daws like fl studio or ableton (bandlab or cakewalk are good free alternatives, i usually crack fl but finding a good dl is hard). idk any music theory but something about building blocks and arranging them just clicks and that might be an autism thing. maybe worth looking into if ur interested <3