Discussion is it fair to date if you're suicidal

[yukisopathetic]

i have a crush on someone but i can't get over whether it's fair to start dating when i want to kill myself. i don't think it would be fair to the other person since i know i might make them rlly sad. but also what if love makes me magically super happy. that's probably not gonna happen but idk. it's selfish right
ik ppl do date even when they're suicidal. i've never been in a relationship but do u guys tell ur partner abt ur si?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You already know the answer: it would be unfair to them. I have trouble understanding being suicidal and being interested in pursuing a relationship at the same time, but maybe that's just me. Two opposite paths. Imo this would be best figured out in therapy.

 

[8hsjyd]

It somewhat depends on the severity of your ideation and the likelihood of your committing, but ultimately I'd suggest that entering a relationship in such a scenario without notifying your partner beforehand is unfair to them and immoral. There truly does exist an immensely profound trauma which is inflicted on the partners of suicide victims. Entering a relationship knowing already that this is likely to occur and not telling them beforehand is an arguably malicious withholding of information semi-akin to deception. From another perspective, relationships have trust and understanding as foundational tenants and they simultaneously require substantial investments along material and psychological dimensions. Entering a relationship with the onset intention of cultivating these things from your partner only temporarily, especially when that is unbeknownst to the partner, can come off as using that person instrumentally or selfishly.

This stuff isn't to say that someone wouldn't agree to enter a relationship with someone who's suicidal, but rather that that person should be given an opportunity to make an informed choice by being respected and told upfront. I also think it's very commendable that you're giving due consideration to these things; it shows that you're trying to do the right thing.

 

[Cepheuss]

Honestly no but i cannot talk me and my ex boyfriend are both suicidal and in a weird spot we broke up because he was gonna kill himself and felt guilty about having a girlfriend whereas when i attempted i didn't break up with him. We're still the exact same as before though nothings changed. Enough about me though id say dont get into a new relationship if you plan on killing yourself however if theres potential a new relationship could help you feel better then id say its worth a shot.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Had this happen to me too, mate. Twice actually. First time I ended up pushing her away, second (different girl) I realized I was making a mistake and ended things pretty early with her, citing it was my mental health but no other details. Looking back on it I could've done better, by either not starting something in the first place or breaking up in a better way. Bottom line mate- depends on you. It's a minefield. Put thought into every step.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

If you're already in a relationship it would be different, but if you get into a relationship while being suicidal that would be incredibly unfair to your partner. If you want a relationship you should also want to heal and recover from your suicide ideation first.

 

[whywere]

Well, let's see here, you found a potential soulmate, wonderful!

Yes, it is not the best of ideas to date someone if one has ctb thoughts, HOWEVER, you might find that after being around the other person and getting to see sunrises and sunsets with that person, ctb might fade away.

Humans are first and foremost social animals, and having someone to hold, love, care about is so wonderful, that other issues might just fade, never say never.

Go with your heart and the rest will follow.

Walter

 

[Acidic_Fries]

I don't give a shit if it's fair. Everyone and everything in my life has been unfair to me.

I wanna return the favor back to the unfair society.

Society operates on the prime principle of "F*** you, got mine.".

 

[Le temps perdu]

In my personal opinion, if you are thinking about dating someone, it might be helpful to be honest with them about having suicidal thoughts. Alternatively, you may also consider not starting a relationship for now.

This is because dating someone can be quite different from chatting online, maintaining friendships or make a friend. I think it might be something worth thinking through more carefully.

 

[Chris6666]

I personally date no others since a half year.
I even cut off the contact of an actual date partner.
Since I know I'm not "just suicidal", I tried to cut off all social contacts.
Not "just suicidal" means I'm going to do it definitely with a latest date and this wont fail.
In my eyes this is a kind of betrayal, because the partner wants a future I can no longer offer.
If the partner knows about the intentions, its okay. But do you really tell them about this?
The half time of my life I was suicidal, so... If you can (hardly) imagine a future, its okay for me.

 

[themisfit]

You already know the answer: it would be unfair to them. I have trouble understanding being suicidal and being interested in pursuing a relationship at the same time, but maybe that's just me. Two opposite paths. Imo this would be best figured out in therapy.

I think you touched on something important there

Because the reason why I want to kill myself is loneliness. Lack of sexual connection, intimacy

So I don't think it's nonsense to pursue a relationship while being suicidal, since a relationship could make me feel better

Yes, I know I may continue to be depressed and suicidal even with someone by my side, but who knows for sure what's gonna happen?

But I agree 100% with @8hsjyd:

It somewhat depends on the severity of your ideation and the likelihood of your committing, but ultimately I'd suggest that entering a relationship in such a scenario without notifying your partner beforehand is unfair to them and immoral.

Otherwise, I think any human being has the right to pursue happiness, even (mainly, actually) if they are suicidal

 

[turned_to_one]

I wouldn't. It is selfish.

Dating someone who isn't suicidal is selfish, because they are dating someone in hopes that they will share their life with you and vice versa. You are essentially denying them your life, and making then emotionally invested enough to be traumatized when you do ctb

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I think you touched on something important there

Because the reason why I want to kill myself is loneliness. Lack of sexual connection, intimacy

So I don't think it's nonsense to pursue a relationship while being suicidal, since a relationship could make me feel better

Yes, I know I may continue to be depressed and suicidal even with someone by my side, but who knows for sure what's gonna happen?

But I agree 100% with @8hsjyd:



Otherwise, I think any human being has the right to pursue happiness, even (mainly, actually) if they are suicidal

Yes, that was understood when I wrote my original reply.
You have the right to pursue happiness, of course, which depends on your relationship with YOURSELF. Loneliness comes from within. Without working on the relationship with yourself first, you have very little to offer yourself or anyone else (making it unlikely that they'll stick around for very long, and then it will feel even worse than just being back to square one). What an incredible amount of pressure to have on a relationship. That kind of pressure doesn't attract, it repels.

Also, you have the right to pursue happiness as long as you don't knowingly jeopardize someone else's happiness, which is what you'd be doing, which we all (even you, deep down) understand is wrong. Being depressed and or suicidal does not entitle you to do whatever tf you please and can't be used as an excuse to completely disregard other people's feelings. You don't get to put someone else in emotional harm's way & get a pass for it just because you're depressed and or suicidal.

 

[eggsausagerice]

like a lot of other commenters mentioned i just think it's unfair to your partner if you do love them and want them to be happy. depressed people that aren't going to kill themselves in the near future are able to date because they won't traumatize their partner by dying suddenly, but dating someone then dying would make someone feel really confused and sad, because they would wonder if they didn't love you enough or if dating them was a mistake. it inherently hurts your partner, even if they know about your suicidal ideation before you start dating them. there's often a misconception with relationships making suicidal people happy enough to seek recovery vs relying on a future or current partner for emotional support and happiness. a lot of people end up falling into the second category and forming codependent bonds that would hurt them more if they were to leave.

 

[burninghill]

It depends.

I think if you're passively suicidal and it's not something you intend to act on then it's fair to date, honestly. Personally I'm chronically suicidal, which means I can't see myself never wanting to die.
If you're actively planning a date and genuinely want to die soon then I think it's a bit wrong, but if they're more passive thoughts and you're looking into the idea that the support system of a relationship could be helpful to you then I don't think it's unfair if you're honest and open.

 

[oneirataxia]

I feel like you should be able to date anyone as long as you aren't actively planning to take your life and genuinely willing to power through whatever hurdles you face in order to be a good partner. Mentally ill people deserve to embrace life and love, and to be happy.

 

[wannabeangel]

i understand people here saying it's bad, i think it depends on how serious you are with it and plan to go sooner, but i also dont think those who are going to CTB are less deserving of a relationship in any way, you should make it clear very early on. im leaning more towards serious but i have people tying me here that i havent gotten the guilt to not overpower my desire to die, so im still kinda dating. but he's also older than me by a bit, if things went serious and i would want to stick around to exist with them, then i would most likely CTB after he passes if he couldnt understand me wanting to CTB sooner with my physical health issues that are just bound to get worse. i guess it all really depends, and tbh if you have family that cares you are bound to hurt people with CTB, i understand not wanting to bring anyone else into it, but if a relationship of some sort even for a short amount of time is on someone's bucket list i dont blame them

 

[snowdeer7]

i have a crush on someone but i can't get over whether it's fair to start dating when i want to kill myself. i don't think it would be fair to the other person since i know i might make them rlly sad. but also what if love makes me magically super happy. that's probably not gonna happen but idk. it's selfish right
ik ppl do date even when they're suicidal. i've never been in a relationship but do u guys tell ur partner abt ur si?

i think its absolutely okay and you deserve love and companionship like the rest of us do. i do feel very guilty about it too but i also genuinely believe that. what i do is im always very upfront with someone i date that i'm suicidal, that i've acted on to before, and that it could happen again. it's a very difficult conversation but i think it's important. and there will be people who will understand and still want to be with you anyways. it can also be a good protective factor too, if youre wanting that. it's very hard not to feel guilty, but you have nothing to feel bad about for wanting to be loved even if you are struggling in that way

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

i have a crush on someone but i can't get over whether it's fair to start dating when i want to kill myself. i don't think it would be fair to the other person since i know i might make them rlly sad. but also what if love makes me magically super happy. that's probably not gonna happen but idk. it's selfish right
ik ppl do date even when they're suicidal. i've never been in a relationship but do u guys tell ur partner abt ur si?

Its ok. If you think the person can handle it

Even if you werent suicidal no one stays together forever.

Something always separates them

 

[EternalShore]

I feel like you should be able to date anyone as long as you aren't actively planning to take your life and genuinely willing to power through whatever hurdles you face in order to be a good partner. Mentally ill people deserve to embrace life and love, and to be happy.

Completely agreed! ^_^

One shouldn't try to ruin their quality of life just over sewer slidal ideation~ >_< perhaps it'll rejuvenate you and make you feel better again~ hehe~ :) ofc, it doesn't always, but it'll at least make the last bit of your life more comfortable~ hehe~ as someone who has dated someone who then went on to commit sewer slide, while it did hurt quite a lot, I believe that one should pursue one's fulfillment in life for as long as they are here, and that is frequently part of doing so~ :)

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I'll reply as someone who's been on both sides. Yes, it may be unfair, but you never know what the future holds. When we started dating almost 6 years ago, my partner was deeply suicidal and didnt think he'd be able to get better. Our relationship actually helped him prioritise his mental health and ultimately get to a place where today, with the help of medication, his bipolar disorder is basically in remission. That being said, my own mental health has declined over the years, and for the last 8 months I have been heavily and actively suicidal. I've of course tried treatment which my partner has been hugely supportive in, but unfortunately I do feel it's failed, I've given up and I think it may be my time soon. Obviously I didn't know I'd feel this way when I began the relationship, but I knew losing him was a risk, and it was one I was willing to take. I know he feels the same about me, there isnt a universe where he'd choose us never meeting over loving me then eventually losing me.
Just something to think about. Maybe you deserve to try and be happy just this one time.

 

[NitrogenNightmare]

I think it's fine. Yeah CTB will hurt the person you're dating, but it'll also hurt your friends and nobody (nobody reasonable anyway) says you shouldn't make friends if you're suicidal.

Maybe you start dating someone while suicidal and they help you recover. Maybe you start dating someone while your mental health is good and you become suicidal years later and it destroys your relationship. Maybe you get run over by one of those emotional support trucks that men with fragile egos have allowed the automotive industry to use to sell their masculinity back to them. You don't know what's going to happen.

I do think it's good to be open about it, both because I'm a strong believer in informed consent and because it's a great way to filter out people who won't be supportive with your MH issues, but realistically, this is a hard thing to be open about.

 

[Med Amine]

Its fair
They let u into theirlives and deserve whats coming 4 them

 

[dyingisanart]

I think it depends on how committed you are to the idea and if you've already made plans and set a date. In my case, for example, I've had suicidal thoughts for about 10 years. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to do it (I hope I will, but I'm not sure). I got married, but my SO knows about my ideation since the beginning of our relationship.

 

[Bishop]

Nothing in life is fair. But it is your life so you do what you wish. Date, no date, have pie , no pie. You get to decide!

 

[bluupup]

i have a crush on someone but i can't get over whether it's fair to start dating when i want to kill myself. i don't think it would be fair to the other person since i know i might make them rlly sad. but also what if love makes me magically super happy. that's probably not gonna happen but idk. it's selfish right
ik ppl do date even when they're suicidal. i've never been in a relationship but do u guys tell ur partner abt ur si?

in my opinion, it depends on how suicidal you are, and if they're suicidal. for example, if you're not suicidal at the beginning of the relationship, then yeah I get it. I don't get trying to have a long term relationship if you're planning on CTB in less than 10 years though.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

Completely agreed! ^_^

One shouldn't try to ruin their quality of life just over sewer slidal ideation~ >_< perhaps it'll rejuvenate you and make you feel better again~ hehe~ :) ofc, it doesn't always, but it'll at least make the last bit of your life more comfortable~ hehe~ as someone who has dated someone who then went on to commit sewer slide, while it did hurt quite a lot, I believe that one should pursue one's fulfillment in life for as long as they are here, and that is frequently part of doing so~ :)

Sewer slidal.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

you don't mean to be selfish, it just happens. it ruined the entirety of my long-term relationship. it even lured him into suicidal thoughts (but they may have already been there for him). so IDT I'll get too serious without telling them about my struggles if I ever do. are you going to CTB within the year, you know how some people have strict deadlines? If not, give yourself a chance. But be honest before you it gets serious, you know maybe 3-4 months in..just let them know you struggle really badly with depression, but they made you really happy for the time being.

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

i have a crush on someone but i can't get over whether it's fair to start dating when i want to kill myself. i don't think it would be fair to the other person since i know i might make them rlly sad. but also what if love makes me magically super happy. that's probably not gonna happen but idk. it's selfish right
ik ppl do date even when they're suicidal. i've never been in a relationship but do u guys tell ur partner abt ur si?

Another reason to date while sewer slidal is that its a win-win situation, for you

If the relationship ends before you actually sewer slide, then nothing lost

If it doesnt end, then yay you found a keeper!

 

[1001noites]

been there done that long story short became even more suicidal after the breakup, which happened because well, i was very depressed and suicidal