Discussion Is avoidant attachment style bad?

[ALonelyFreak]

Okay so there are 4 attachment styles and they are about ALL of your relationships not just romantic ones.
Anxious, secure, avoidant, disorganized/chaotic.
Do your own research imma just discuss them shortly:
1. Anxious attachment. You don't need to feel any fear(?) it's just you need to be with your partner all the time. You don't have your own hobbies but you're okay with that you're glued to each other. If you have friends you don't give them space and you don't have any secrets. You want to know everything about them.
2. Secure attachment. You spend a lot of time with your partner but you allow each other to have some hobbies. You can go out without your partner if needs be. You allow them to have some privacy.
3. Avoidant attachment. You don't attach emotionally to the other person and if you do it's a slow process. You prefer to stay alone you hate when somebody doesn't respect your privacy. You don't want to marry the partner you've been with for 10 years because you're not sure you want to commit. You actually kinda get scared when somebody comes too close to you emotionally.
4. Disorganized/Chaotic attachment. You oscillate between anxious and avoidant. One day you want to stay with your partner but then you feel anxious when the partner actually stays. It's like you don't know what you want. It's caused by parental abuse.


So basically the SECURE attachment is the only good one and if you got another style you're immature lol you're a 20+ year old kid get therapy idiot.
And I'm like it isn't fuckin true. I'm avoidant and I wish I was more avoidant because relationships mean pain. And the more avoidant I become the less I suffer in my life. Like I don't need a partner. If I were secure I'd have gone mad by this point bc I'm autistic hence I can't find a partner. But because I'm avoidant I'm not extremely lonely. I'm lonely but just a bit. Every fuckin time I attach to somebody it hurts.
When I was a teenager I was secure/avoidant like a bit distrustful but would respond when somebody came close to me. And you know what? I was having suicidal thoughts all the fuckin time. Of course I'm having random thoughts 24/7 but back then those random thoughts were only suicide thoughts NOTHING more. But I slowly became more avoidant and now in my twenties I'm having only a big of suicide ideation.
But some idiotic psychologists think avoidant attachment is childish like fuck no.

What do you think? Do you think that really only secure style is good??

 

[ZMkxAVBQ]

I think that the desire to be more avoidant because relationships are only painful indicates there's a disorganized/ambivalent/fearful aspect to your attachment style - speaking from personal experience.

Also, the characterization of avoidant as childish is a social media pop psychology phenomenon fueled in part by gender stereotypes and any clinician worth their salt won't treat it that way.

 

[amerie]

If you have a bad habit of getting overly attached or avoidant to the point where you can't mask it and your partner is annoyed with you, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship, to put it simply.

Our adverse experiences shape our attachments, so most humans will be more detached or attached sometimes which is normal, but if you're ghosting your partner obnoxiously or blowing up their phone then that's abusive/manipulative.

Work on learning how to compromise or deal with that energy in a healthy way. You can't get rid of it completely as that's how your brain is, but learn to deal with it so it's just a minor quirk ykwim??

 

[Dejected 55]

I honestly think some of this is bullshit... because at the same time "experts" are saying "avoidant" is bad because you are detached, and secure is better... people are encouraged to be detached in relationships, i.e. not to "want" each other too much. I don't even mean obsessing... but, like, as a man you're supposed to never chase a woman and only ask her out once and if she says no OR even if she just doesn't say yes, leave her alone and go find someone else. No second chances, one ask and move on if you don't get immediate acceptance, because you are "detached" from caring about the outcome. Women are told something similar... never chase a man, never show that you care too much.

So, the world is basically encouraging everyone to be avoidant, then acting surprised when avoidant people are having trouble making connections... and then surprised that some people become anxious because they can't be avoidant and they keep running into avoidant people because that is what society is encouraging everyone to be... Secure is becoming super rare, by design, and for the life of me I do not know why society is encouraging this behavior.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I think your understanding of attachment theory is a bit flawed tbh. It sounds like you have a very pop psychology understanding of it. Read more literature about it.

I honestly think some of this is bullshit... because at the same time "experts" are saying "avoidant" is bad because you are detached, and secure is better... people are encouraged to be detached in relationships, i.e. not to "want" each other too much. I don't even mean obsessing... but, like, as a man you're supposed to never chase a woman and only ask her out once and if she says no OR even if she just doesn't say yes, leave her alone and go find someone else. No second chances, one ask and move on if you don't get immediate acceptance, because you are "detached" from caring about the outcome. Women are told something similar... never chase a man, never show that you care too much.

This isn't really about attachment theory though because you are not in a relationship with the people you are asking out and attachment is about relationship.

 

[Dejected 55]

I think your understanding of attachment theory is a bit flawed tbh. It sounds like you have a very pop psychology understanding of it. Read more literature about it.


This isn't really about attachment theory though because you are not in a relationship with the people you are asking out and attachment is about relationship.

Most psychology seems like pop psychology, though... it seems to change with the buzzwords and trends and whatever psychologists are saying today they will switch to something different a year from now.

I realize, though I'm sure my post didn't read that way, that the "attachment style" is talking about the relationship connection... but I was intending to point out that having an "avoidant" style in a relationship is described as being a bad thing, BUT in order to get into that relationship in the first place, people are actually encouraged to be avoidant/detached... and it seems contradicting to me.

 

[ZMkxAVBQ]

Most psychology seems like pop psychology, though... it seems to change with the buzzwords and trends and whatever psychologists are saying today they will switch to something different a year from now.

I realize, though I'm sure my post didn't read that way, that the "attachment style" is talking about the relationship connection... but I was intending to point out that having an "avoidant" style in a relationship is described as being a bad thing, BUT in order to get into that relationship in the first place, people are actually encouraged to be avoidant/detached... and it seems contradicting to me.

I see the contradiction too, but that's not the fault of attachment theory or the psychologists who created/cite it. The contradiction is that our society (speaking US/Westcentric here) is so hyperindividualistic that it dehumanizes us. We're expected to have transactional relationships and shamed for needing each other, but that flies directly in the face of how being a human works. Attachment theory is pointing out the contradiction, not the contradiction itself.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Most psychology seems like pop psychology, though... it seems to change with the buzzwords and trends and whatever psychologists are saying today they will switch to something different a year from now.

I realize, though I'm sure my post didn't read that way, that the "attachment style" is talking about the relationship connection... but I was intending to point out that having an "avoidant" style in a relationship is described as being a bad thing, BUT in order to get into that relationship in the first place, people are actually encouraged to be avoidant/detached... and it seems contradicting to me.

I doubt they change every year - it's more what becomes well circulated across society via TikTok etc. It's not pop psychology - psychology is a discipline that has peer reviewed work at the center of it to help understand clinical experiences.

The important take away is anyone who identifies as avoidant should not be actively dating. They cause trauma and need to avoid spreading trauma in society.