Help Intrusive thoughts

[lainsito]

Almost everyday I have intrusive thoughts. They are always graphic, sexual, violent and stuff related. These are always out of nowhere. I hate this so much, but at the same time I don't want this to disappear at all, I don't want to stop being like this I don't want to, I don't want to recover I don't know what to do.
I don't want to take meds for this reason what do I do I seriously don't know whenever I am feeling "happy" I just want that to disappear But I have not felt something in months i been in an state of apathy