Help Intrusive thought logistics

[Kadaver]

I've been so absolutely hopelessly depressed lately. All I want is to transition and I can't. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me. It feels like a prison I'm stuck in and unable to escape. I kintin ep having the intrusive thought to cut my middle finger off on one of my hands and the more I think about it the more "appealing" the idea becomes. It feels like a test of courage but it would also be a way of reclaiming my body. Altering it because I wanted to. Proving to myself that is is mine.

If I did it I would probably use sharpened scissors and try to do it in one swift cut. I'm just worried that I'll fuck up and it won't come off in the first cut and then I'll end up panicking because things didn't go to plan. How much force would it take? Is there something that needs a similar amount of force to cut through that I could test on first (like the dumb carrot rumor or a branch or something) I feel like every day that goes by the idea becomes my only way of reclaiming my body

I would love to hear if anyone else has a similar intrusive thought or just anything that you feel like sharing

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What are the barriers to transitioning?

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts.

I know the urge is strong but please don't cut off your finger. It may seen like an act of agency but you know you will regret having done if if you succeed at it. Focus on that aspect.

 

[Kadaver]

What are the barriers to transitioning?

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts.

I know the urge is strong but please don't cut off your finger. It may seen like an act of agency but you know you will regret having done if if you succeed at it. Focus on that aspect.

Financial. I don't have the money for T or top surgery. My dysphoria has crippled my life to the point where I can't work and I don't really go outside anymore.

I've thought a lot about it and the biggest barrier for me is the consequences. Even if I'm able to clean up the after math I live with family and it's a finger so I would only be able to hide it for so long. It's the middle finger on my left (nondominant) hand so idk how much losing it would impact me. I do know that once I got found out I would probably be forcefully committed to a mental hospital again and this time I don't even know how long they would lock me up for since cutting off my own finger would be seen as a pretty extreme thing

I just want to feel like I have some control

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Financial. I don't have the money for T or top surgery. My dysphoria has crippled my life to the point where I can't work and I don't really go outside anymore.

I've thought a lot about it and the biggest barrier for me is the consequences. Even if I'm able to clean up the after math I live with family and it's a finger so I would only be able to hide it for so long. It's the middle finger on my left (nondominant) hand so idk how much losing it would impact me. I do know that once I got found out I would probably be forcefully committed to a mental hospital again and this time I don't even know how long they would lock me up for since cutting off my own finger would be seen as a pretty extreme thing

I just want to feel like I have some control

I'm sorry. That can't be easy at all. I would suggest making being able to afford transitioning as goal to strive forward but it seems like a catch-22 if your dysphoria prevents you from engaging with society such that you could do that one day. That issue would have to be dealt with somehow to reach that goal. How does your family feel about this?

Wanting to feel control is understandable and is why a lot of people harm themselves. But it really isn't worth it or in your interest. Funnily you want to feel control but cutting off your finger but you can also exercise control by resisting that urge. So giving in to an intrusive thought would maybe not feel as much like having control over your life.

 

[Kadaver]

I'm sorry. That can't be easy at all. I would suggest making being able to afford transitioning as goal to strive forward but it seems like a catch-22 if your dysphoria prevents you from engaging with society such that you could do that one day. That issue would have to be dealt with somehow to reach that goal. How does your family feel about this?

Wanting to feel control is understandable and is why a lot of people harm themselves. But it really isn't worth it or in your interest. Funnily you want to feel control but cutting off your finger but you can also exercise control by resisting that urge. So giving in to an intrusive thought would maybe not feel as much like having control over your life.

Yeah I've tried starting a gofundme but it got no traction so I've kinda just abandoned it. I've told my dad but he didn't really seem to care or understand

The finger thing in my mind would be a change I can make to my body. I can't get rid of my chest but I can get rid of a finger. I can make something go away. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how my mind rationalizes it

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah I've tried starting a gofundme but it got no traction so I've kinda just abandoned it. I've told my dad but he didn't really seem to care or understand

The finger thing in my mind would be a change I can make to my body. I can't get rid of my chest but I can get rid of a finger. I can make something go away. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how my mind rationalizes it

It makes sense but it is not worth it and probably would lead to a bad balance in the end, that is, you'll be more regretful than relieved or empowered. Just an illusion of the genuine control you're yearning for. I'm sorry, it's clear how overwhelming your dysphoria is if it is giving you this urge. I hope you can find a way to finance your transition at some point.

Intrusive thoughts are a common problem so you can find resources online if you want other techniques.

 

[fedup1982]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard for me to imagine.

Unfortunately I really dont think cutting off your finger would give you a lasting sense of ownership. It would be temporary. Then not only will you have had to deal with emergency treatment and hospital, but you'd be missing a finger.

There are ways to take a step towards transitioning. Pronouns, clothing, body language, finding safe people who affirm you, planning ways of getting transitioning treatment.

I think you need a trans affirming therapist who understands body dysphoria and self destructive urges. This is now moving beyond intrusive thoughts, you have a plan, and you need help to not carry it out.

I hope this helps

 

[telekon]

Financial. I don't have the money for T or top surgery. My dysphoria has crippled my life to the point where I can't work and I don't really go outside anymore.

I've thought a lot about it and the biggest barrier for me is the consequences. Even if I'm able to clean up the after math I live with family and it's a finger so I would only be able to hide it for so long. It's the middle finger on my left (nondominant) hand so idk how much losing it would impact me. I do know that once I got found out I would probably be forcefully committed to a mental hospital again and this time I don't even know how long they would lock me up for since cutting off my own finger would be seen as a pretty extreme thing

I just want to feel like I have some control

It IS a pretty extreme thing. Cutting off your finger is extremely painful and something only a terrorist would think to do... to someone else. But the fact that you are thinking of doing that to yourself indicates something is extremely wrong. This has way more to do than just agency.

You need to talk to somebody... and I don't think it's ethical to say that unless you mean to be that person so if you want to PM about your issues I'm here.

 

[Kadaver]

It makes sense but it is not worth it and probably would lead to a bad balance in the end, that is, you'll be more regretful than relieved or empowered. Just an illusion of the genuine control you're yearning for. I'm sorry, it's clear how overwhelming your dysphoria is if it is giving you this urge. I hope you can find a way to finance your transition at some point.

Intrusive thoughts are a common problem so you can find resources online if you want other techniques.

Logically I know that you're right but this urge is anything but logical. It's just always there in the back of my mind ever since it first popped into my head a few weeks ago

There are ways to take a step towards transitioning. Pronouns, clothing, body language, finding safe people who affirm you, planning ways of getting transitioning treatment.

i've done all the things I can do rn. I'm stuck at a dead end now because I have no income

I think you need a trans affirming therapist who understands body dysphoria and self destructive urges. This is now moving beyond intrusive thoughts, you have a plan, and you need help to not carry it out.

i wish I could have one but my dad can't afford it so I'm not going to ask. He has so much on his plate and I don't want to add to it. I don't think I need help yet. Probably. Idk anymore

But the fact that you are thinking of doing that to yourself indicates something is extremely wrong. This has way more to do than just agency.

i guess for me I always downplay things. I know I have a plan and that I've researched how to care for to wound and logically if someone else said that I think I would see it the same way you do but since it's me it feels like it doesn't matter unless/until I do it. Idk if that makes sense. Part of me thinks maybe if I do this people will take my feelings seriously, but that would just be a bonus if you can even call it that.

if you want to PM about your issues I'm here.

I appreciate that but my issues are largely cyclical and it's always the same things. No one wants to hear about the same problem over and over again :/

 

[Ilovemycats]

I'm not trans myself so I can't exactly say anything about that aspect, I can only wish that you'll find a way to be happy and finally achieve your goal! But I think that cutting your finger off wouldn't benifit you in any way:<

like someone here already said- it's would be painful and personally i'm not sure if you would be able to fully cut it. Bones can be quite sturdy after all, no matter how sharp the scissors would be, you'll probably only end up giving yourself a serious wound which could lead up to amputation i guess.. but the pain would be probably unbearable. Not to forget the fact that you'll probably hesitate in the last second before actually doing it which would still end up with nasty wound and you panicking.

And even if you did succeed, you'll probably lose a lot of blood, and I can imagine that seeing the result wouldn't be exactly enjoyable..

 

[Kadaver]

I'm not trans myself so I can't exactly say anything about that aspect, I can only wish that you'll find a way to be happy and finally achieve your goal! But I think that cutting your finger off wouldn't benifit you in any way:<

like someone here already said- it's would be painful and personally i'm not sure if you would be able to fully cut it. Bones can be quite sturdy after all, no matter how sharp the scissors would be, you'll probably only end up giving yourself a serious wound which could lead up to amputation i guess.. but the pain would be probably unbearable. Not to forget the fact that you'll probably hesitate in the last second before actually doing it which would still end up with nasty wound and you panicking.

And even if you did succeed, you'll probably lose a lot of blood, and I can imagine that seeing the result wouldn't be exactly enjoyable..

The way I have it planned I would use my weight as leverage so most likely, I would be able to cut through the bone. My bones probably aren't as strong as a normal persons anyways due to me having a vitamin D deficiency. I've always been bad with looking at gore but I've never minded my own wounds before, though they were never this bad. I don't have any serious plans to do it and if I do it'll probably be during a spiral just on impulse

 

[telekon]

i guess for me I always downplay things. I know I have a plan and that I've researched how to care for to wound and logically if someone else said that I think I would see it the same way you do but since it's me it feels like it doesn't matter unless/until I do it. Idk if that makes sense. Part of me thinks maybe if I do this people will take my feelings seriously, but that would just be a bonus if you can even call it that.


I appreciate that but my issues are largely cyclical and it's always the same things. No one wants to hear about the same problem over and over again :/

I'm definitely open to it... Seriously think this through.

I know better than anyone that it sucks to be without income. It's largely why I'm on this website. But if you cut your finger off, it will be really hard to explain to employers, to anyone really. People won't take your feelings seriously if you do it either — they will just write you off as crazy.