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Blanc
nothingness drop
- Jun 12, 2025
- 25
Greetings,
Going by Blanc, I have enough of this cosmic garbage called existence.
Failed at committing suicide at 15 ( ingesting bleach tablets), deeply regretting it. Been worse and worse since. If only I succeeded then.
Seeking unexistence and mostly unbecoming to go back home in the nothingness.
Tired of being trapped in here and now, what's left of me ( as if there's such a thing like a "me" anyway) is anger and wrath most of the time. Disgusted by the corrupted state of being.
I plan to drown at sea, that's what is the closest to the abyss/chaos/tiamat in this simulation. The detailed idea of it is one of the only things that brings me a glimpse of relief and peace.
Currently finding myself in a situation where I can't leave as soon as I would like because of attachment and mistrust issues. It increases quite violently the amount of sadness and exhaustion.
It's quite a thing to have found such a place. Thanks to you people who made it happen. I'm used to be and feel very lonely but lately it became unbearable, it seems I need to have some space somewhere to share and vent so I can move on with whatever decision I will take.
Going by Blanc, I have enough of this cosmic garbage called existence.
Failed at committing suicide at 15 ( ingesting bleach tablets), deeply regretting it. Been worse and worse since. If only I succeeded then.
Seeking unexistence and mostly unbecoming to go back home in the nothingness.
Tired of being trapped in here and now, what's left of me ( as if there's such a thing like a "me" anyway) is anger and wrath most of the time. Disgusted by the corrupted state of being.
I plan to drown at sea, that's what is the closest to the abyss/chaos/tiamat in this simulation. The detailed idea of it is one of the only things that brings me a glimpse of relief and peace.
Currently finding myself in a situation where I can't leave as soon as I would like because of attachment and mistrust issues. It increases quite violently the amount of sadness and exhaustion.
It's quite a thing to have found such a place. Thanks to you people who made it happen. I'm used to be and feel very lonely but lately it became unbearable, it seems I need to have some space somewhere to share and vent so I can move on with whatever decision I will take.
Chuunibyou
ghost possessing this body
- Jun 11, 2025
- 12
hi there! you can call me Chuuni or Chuunibyou here.
I've been lurking here for a few years as a logged-out guest, but I've finally taken the plunge into making an account. I don't want to kill myself and don't think I will, but I appreciate having a safe space to connect with others with similar struggles as me and with similar pro-autonomy views. I've struggled with life as long as I can remember thanks to childhood abuse. and now in adulthood those experiences have resulted in DID, CPTSD, and OCD which make everything so unbearable even when my life is supposed to be "going well". autism and ADHD also make me less resilient than most other people. I wish it weren't this way, and that we lived in a society that could properly support and provide for people like me, but we don't and I don't expect we will within my lifetime. so I'll just continue to suffer, I guess.
I'm also an active cutter, and have pro-autonomy harm reduction views towards self harm as well. I'll also be glad to speak about that freely here. it's horrible that most places online have such strict censorship around self harm and suicide when these are real human experiences (and refusing to speak about them honestly only makes them worse...)
I've been lurking here for a few years as a logged-out guest, but I've finally taken the plunge into making an account. I don't want to kill myself and don't think I will, but I appreciate having a safe space to connect with others with similar struggles as me and with similar pro-autonomy views. I've struggled with life as long as I can remember thanks to childhood abuse. and now in adulthood those experiences have resulted in DID, CPTSD, and OCD which make everything so unbearable even when my life is supposed to be "going well". autism and ADHD also make me less resilient than most other people. I wish it weren't this way, and that we lived in a society that could properly support and provide for people like me, but we don't and I don't expect we will within my lifetime. so I'll just continue to suffer, I guess.
I'm also an active cutter, and have pro-autonomy harm reduction views towards self harm as well. I'll also be glad to speak about that freely here. it's horrible that most places online have such strict censorship around self harm and suicide when these are real human experiences (and refusing to speak about them honestly only makes them worse...)
hi friends, ( i hope you all dont mind me calling you that)
I've been lurking for quite some time.
Im 30, i dont do much day to day.. i live at home with my father. I think about 1000 ways to die every day. I havent seen the outside in months. Covid 19 lockdown never ended for me.
I always told myself "im either gonna make it or im not"
I did try prosac and some other sleeping meds nearing the end of covid (first time talking to a doctor since i was 15.
Those meds turned me into a zombie and further ruined the relationship that i was so desperately trying to save.
She lives in my head every single day. I know shes doing good without me. But she couldnt even tell me goodbye.. or let me see her to tell her goodbye..
i still dont know the truth to the end of my relationship.. but she claimed she was "afraid" of me.. She knew when we started i was suicidal... i told her again i was when i tried to get back on those damn pills...
Not even sure why i told you guys all that.. none of what im saying makes sense im sure. I just need a break in my head. sleep is the only place i dont think.. Im looking for my passage to sleep forever.
I play aton of runescape and other video games to try to occupy my mind everyday before i get upset and go to sleep.. i smoke weed nonstop however i am running out of funds as of lately.
Im not some degenerate whos just wasting his life away.. i feel crippled everyday... It's been almost 3 years since i lost her. I dont know what my first step is here. If anyone wants to reach out and try to ask the right questions by all means... I dont want to live through my dad dying.. I see it in his face everyday hes so broken over what i've become..
My life was set, i had a great union plumbing job... Getting more and more respect every day from the company i worked for... i lost everything... its been almost 3 years and i dont know where those 3 years have went.
My mind runs a mile a minute every single day thinking about the past.. im suprised i was able to type this much out. I've attempted twice and failed miserably.. I hopefully will find my way out on here :)
much love you all of you going through struggles of your own. I dont wish these feelings on my worst enemies. I just need it all to stop
I've been lurking for quite some time.
Im 30, i dont do much day to day.. i live at home with my father. I think about 1000 ways to die every day. I havent seen the outside in months. Covid 19 lockdown never ended for me.
I always told myself "im either gonna make it or im not"
I did try prosac and some other sleeping meds nearing the end of covid (first time talking to a doctor since i was 15.
Those meds turned me into a zombie and further ruined the relationship that i was so desperately trying to save.
She lives in my head every single day. I know shes doing good without me. But she couldnt even tell me goodbye.. or let me see her to tell her goodbye..
i still dont know the truth to the end of my relationship.. but she claimed she was "afraid" of me.. She knew when we started i was suicidal... i told her again i was when i tried to get back on those damn pills...
Not even sure why i told you guys all that.. none of what im saying makes sense im sure. I just need a break in my head. sleep is the only place i dont think.. Im looking for my passage to sleep forever.
I play aton of runescape and other video games to try to occupy my mind everyday before i get upset and go to sleep.. i smoke weed nonstop however i am running out of funds as of lately.
Im not some degenerate whos just wasting his life away.. i feel crippled everyday... It's been almost 3 years since i lost her. I dont know what my first step is here. If anyone wants to reach out and try to ask the right questions by all means... I dont want to live through my dad dying.. I see it in his face everyday hes so broken over what i've become..
My life was set, i had a great union plumbing job... Getting more and more respect every day from the company i worked for... i lost everything... its been almost 3 years and i dont know where those 3 years have went.
My mind runs a mile a minute every single day thinking about the past.. im suprised i was able to type this much out. I've attempted twice and failed miserably.. I hopefully will find my way out on here :)
much love you all of you going through struggles of your own. I dont wish these feelings on my worst enemies. I just need it all to stop
enough of this
Specialist
- Jun 4, 2023
- 399
suacide
angel
- Sep 13, 2023
- 27
Hey everyone! Feel free to call me Sua, Suacide or if you'd prefer a formal title, Suacidal Tendencies works too c:
You might notice I've been a lurker for a long while now, and that's because I had something to live for, my mom. But she's gone now, so my will to fight and deny my feelings have pretty much disappeared, and now I'm just biding my time and seeking comfort in people that understand me.
I'm 23, F, from the UK and I've lived with my mom pretty much my entire life with some short exceptions.
All that I really do all day is doom scroll, watch YouTube videos, maybe play a game, and sometimes hang out with people on VR. VR less and less though. I'm pretty much an adult hamster at this point, or at least I was. I'm with family right now as my mom's funeral was just a week ago, so I don't know what my life is gonna be like from this point out. I was never prepared to grow up, and I feel like a lot of people say that, but I really mean it with everything I have.
I'm a magnet for bad things, even bad dice luck. Sometimes I really wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life, or some kind of notorious evil figurehead to have deserved everything.
When I was small I went through three cases of CSA that I still remember vividly and grew up watching domestic abuse between my parents all the time, including one where my father grabbed a knife, yelled something and then stabbed into the birdcage where my two childhood pets, a pair of lovebirds were inside of. They weren't hurt, but he made these kinds of gestures a lot and had insane anger issues. My mother had mania and suffered from constant panic attacks, so it only ever made things worse. When we were separated from him, I suddenly had to deal with her explosions being directed towards me instead and she ended up hitting me a lot and saying really cruel things that I knew she didn't mean, it was just the cancer and mania, paranoid delusions like thinking people were after her to the point where she hid and a neighbour's house while I was at school and all kinds of other crazy things. Being autistic and ADHD, naturally I got bullied at school and ended up never getting a further education after that. I got worse and soon even going outside I kept having panic attacks so bad that I'd throw up on street corners or have to lay down on concrete with how my ears rung, everything turned white, my heart hurt and it felt like I was about to die. That and a mixed bad of things stating would make an already giant wall of text even bigger.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't want to be like this… I didn't choose to be useless. I want more than anything to be able to do the things that everyone else can. But I know I can't, I'm weak, and I'm even weaker without her, or just someone to be completely dependent on and forget everything with. I've tried over and over again, I tried to get back into education and instead I developed an ED while trying to cope with something as basic as routine. I ruined my body with it, going up and down and up and down in size. I tried to make the house nicer and really put in an effort with getting rid of items that she had hoarded, and guess what? Haha. Human waste flood. It's like the more I try, the more I get punished. I tried to move out at one point using a service for rehabilitation for people like me with mental issues, but my mom ended up getting lined up for another treatment and I couldn't help but stay at my mom's all the time as being away from her felt impossible. In retrospect, I'm really glad I did. We had some really nice memories during those months.
When I flip back to moments of loving life again, hoping for the best and being optimistic, I really love art. I love drawing, appreciating peoples work and writing stories and characters, making OCs. I have a lot of fun playing games with friends or just friendly strangers and I think I'm never happier than when I'm joking around with someone on call over a game or while we both draw. I've loved drawing since I was young, but I fall in and out of doing it a lot as I've grown up. I also love to sing. Music has done a lot for me in my life. I love getting to know people too, I really love people in general. I don't think everyone is bad, it's just my nervous system that reacts that way.
Sorry that I ended up rambling so much, it's something I'm really wary of but it's also the only way I can really get words out. I live in a constant brain fog and writing clears it as I'm actively doing it. I hope you don't mind, thank you for reading.
Best wishes and so much love to everyone here, thank you all for being something the most empathetic people I've talked to in years, if not my whole life.
You might notice I've been a lurker for a long while now, and that's because I had something to live for, my mom. But she's gone now, so my will to fight and deny my feelings have pretty much disappeared, and now I'm just biding my time and seeking comfort in people that understand me.
I'm 23, F, from the UK and I've lived with my mom pretty much my entire life with some short exceptions.
All that I really do all day is doom scroll, watch YouTube videos, maybe play a game, and sometimes hang out with people on VR. VR less and less though. I'm pretty much an adult hamster at this point, or at least I was. I'm with family right now as my mom's funeral was just a week ago, so I don't know what my life is gonna be like from this point out. I was never prepared to grow up, and I feel like a lot of people say that, but I really mean it with everything I have.
I'm a magnet for bad things, even bad dice luck. Sometimes I really wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life, or some kind of notorious evil figurehead to have deserved everything.
When I was small I went through three cases of CSA that I still remember vividly and grew up watching domestic abuse between my parents all the time, including one where my father grabbed a knife, yelled something and then stabbed into the birdcage where my two childhood pets, a pair of lovebirds were inside of. They weren't hurt, but he made these kinds of gestures a lot and had insane anger issues. My mother had mania and suffered from constant panic attacks, so it only ever made things worse. When we were separated from him, I suddenly had to deal with her explosions being directed towards me instead and she ended up hitting me a lot and saying really cruel things that I knew she didn't mean, it was just the cancer and mania, paranoid delusions like thinking people were after her to the point where she hid and a neighbour's house while I was at school and all kinds of other crazy things. Being autistic and ADHD, naturally I got bullied at school and ended up never getting a further education after that. I got worse and soon even going outside I kept having panic attacks so bad that I'd throw up on street corners or have to lay down on concrete with how my ears rung, everything turned white, my heart hurt and it felt like I was about to die. That and a mixed bad of things stating would make an already giant wall of text even bigger.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't want to be like this… I didn't choose to be useless. I want more than anything to be able to do the things that everyone else can. But I know I can't, I'm weak, and I'm even weaker without her, or just someone to be completely dependent on and forget everything with. I've tried over and over again, I tried to get back into education and instead I developed an ED while trying to cope with something as basic as routine. I ruined my body with it, going up and down and up and down in size. I tried to make the house nicer and really put in an effort with getting rid of items that she had hoarded, and guess what? Haha. Human waste flood. It's like the more I try, the more I get punished. I tried to move out at one point using a service for rehabilitation for people like me with mental issues, but my mom ended up getting lined up for another treatment and I couldn't help but stay at my mom's all the time as being away from her felt impossible. In retrospect, I'm really glad I did. We had some really nice memories during those months.
When I flip back to moments of loving life again, hoping for the best and being optimistic, I really love art. I love drawing, appreciating peoples work and writing stories and characters, making OCs. I have a lot of fun playing games with friends or just friendly strangers and I think I'm never happier than when I'm joking around with someone on call over a game or while we both draw. I've loved drawing since I was young, but I fall in and out of doing it a lot as I've grown up. I also love to sing. Music has done a lot for me in my life. I love getting to know people too, I really love people in general. I don't think everyone is bad, it's just my nervous system that reacts that way.
Sorry that I ended up rambling so much, it's something I'm really wary of but it's also the only way I can really get words out. I live in a constant brain fog and writing clears it as I'm actively doing it. I hope you don't mind, thank you for reading.
Best wishes and so much love to everyone here, thank you all for being something the most empathetic people I've talked to in years, if not my whole life.
5_5
~ :¨·.·¨: ₊˚
- Jun 15, 2025
- 22
hi all
19f communications student, i dj and i love fashion, alcohol, and clubbing
im here just to vent. always fantasized about ctb but im a pussy and i love the things i like more than i want to die
nice to meet u
19f communications student, i dj and i love fashion, alcohol, and clubbing
im here just to vent. always fantasized about ctb but im a pussy and i love the things i like more than i want to die
nice to meet u
SeafoamSkeleton
future ghost
- Jun 24, 2025
- 52
Hi. I'm Skeli. 38 years old. Nonbinary: they/them. I've been having severe major depression episodes since I was 14. I feel like my brain is trying to kill me, but I'm working on fighting back this time. I'm trying meds and therapy again for the first time in 20 years.
I have anhedonia right now, but when I'm not busy loosing my mind I enjoy anything spooky, hiking, camping, gardening, painting, travel, horror drag, spicy food, graveyards, and the occult. Yeah, the years of suicidal ideation have influenced my personality a little. I've worked some in design, but currently I'm mostly working on moving from the bed to the couch.
I've kicked opiates and nicotine, both of which I got into to passively try to die. I've obviously failed all my actual attempts, too. I've found it easier to try to live for others instead of for myself. I adopt disabled animals and have spent a lot of time caregiving my grandparents and my disabled life partner.
I am a ghost. I can't touch anything in this world, but I am trapped here.
I have anhedonia right now, but when I'm not busy loosing my mind I enjoy anything spooky, hiking, camping, gardening, painting, travel, horror drag, spicy food, graveyards, and the occult. Yeah, the years of suicidal ideation have influenced my personality a little. I've worked some in design, but currently I'm mostly working on moving from the bed to the couch.
I've kicked opiates and nicotine, both of which I got into to passively try to die. I've obviously failed all my actual attempts, too. I've found it easier to try to live for others instead of for myself. I adopt disabled animals and have spent a lot of time caregiving my grandparents and my disabled life partner.
I am a ghost. I can't touch anything in this world, but I am trapped here.
Hello. I'm new here and I feel kinda lost on this forum. I'm supposed to be using the search function but I can't seem to find it. There's no search window in the top right corner, no support tab in the left menu. What do I do?
darksouls
Warlock
- May 10, 2025
- 708
hello
you are welcome
you must write more messages to become member
the search function is only for members not for new members
no reason to feel lost
the community is very helpful
just ask anything
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gottacheckout
Specialist
- May 20, 2025
- 339
what darksouls said.
It's not just the number of posts that earns you member status but also quality of those posts. It doesn't take long.
It's not just the number of posts that earns you member status but also quality of those posts. It doesn't take long.
thaelyana
juste curieuse
- Jun 28, 2025
- 56
I'm Thay, I'm French. I don't know how to introduce myself on this forum.. haha. I love studying: I love the pressure. I love chemistry, especially physics and astrophysics. I'm not very interesting, but I'm very happy to be among you. Thank you.
Working on factory, study at night and developing several SaaS.
Survived war. Lost everything.
ADHD, Autism, PTSD, 5 years Depression.
Trader in past.
24/6 productive with 5h sleep. 1 day for recovery.
Goal: 1B inder 30.
I need a team to move together. DM if your lifestyle close to mine.
If you very broke, let's try 1 more time together.
Just imagine a group of people who lost everything trying to climb the hill.
Together we are unstoppable.
Survived war. Lost everything.
ADHD, Autism, PTSD, 5 years Depression.
Trader in past.
24/6 productive with 5h sleep. 1 day for recovery.
Goal: 1B inder 30.
I need a team to move together. DM if your lifestyle close to mine.
If you very broke, let's try 1 more time together.
Just imagine a group of people who lost everything trying to climb the hill.
Together we are unstoppable.
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I suppose if you are here its because you want to die, but you say you love the pressure. Why do you want to die? Im just curious.
thaelyana
juste curieuse
- Jun 28, 2025
- 56
I like the pressure of studying, I don't know why. I like this way of suffering. After all these years of pain, I've ended up finding a certain pleasure in suffering: a strange pleasure in unhappiness.
I find myself stupid on every level: nothing truly satisfies me. I feel worthless as long as I don't get excellent grades, as long as I'm not at the top of my class.
My main source of unhappiness is my studies, then my family.
I feel ashamed because, in reality, I have "nothing": I'm not sick, I haven't experienced any major tragedy—except for my friend's suicide three weeks ago.
I have no objective reason to be unwell, and yet I feel like my soul has been broken since I was 12.
My suicidal thoughts resurface from time to time, especially when I think I'm feeling better. But I don't have the courage to act on them. I'm afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of ending up handicapped.
Thanks for replying, but I still dont get it. How can you like suffering? But then you say it makes you unhappy... Not trying to get at you, Im just trying to understand.
thaelyana
juste curieuse
- Jun 28, 2025
- 56
Thank you for your reply and your willingness to understand; it's really important to me. I'll try to explain as best I can.
When I say I like suffering, it's not that I find it pleasant in the classic sense of the term. It's more complex... Over time, I think I've gotten used to it, to the point where I no longer know how to function any other way. It's become a kind of reference point.
For example, in my studies: the pressure, the anxiety, the fear of failure—well, these are very painful things, but they also give me a sense of existence, of fighting for something. I feel "alive" when I'm struggling, even if it's destroying me at the same time. It's like a vicious circle: suffering hurts me, but it anchors me, it keeps me moving.
So yes, it makes me unhappy, deeply. But paradoxically, I learned to survive in it, to the point where I no longer knew what a truly peaceful life would be. And in a way, there's almost a kind of addiction to this intense shit.
I'm not trying to be pitied by saying all this. I'm just trying to be honest: there's a mixture of lucidity, despair, and habit in this relationship with pain.
Haii!! Im Jazz Cat! Im 26F from Kansas!
Im honestly someone who just has too much love to give the world. I've lived much of my life being subject to abuse and toxicity from parents, friends, coworkers, teachers, strangers, relationships, relatives, etc. Ive battled depression and suicidal ideation since I was 5, and have struggled with autism and adhd my whole life.
For the longest time I always considered suicide to not be an option, but it always led to increased anxiety and eventually hastily attempting out of desperation. After the years ive lived I've realized that honestly suicide is just simply a choice one can make, and that one should only make with a clear mind and careful preparation. While im not ready now, I know my time only grows shorter, and I dont want to suffer anymore than I already have. I just hope that while im still here I can bring others comfort and joy.
In my free time I like to travel, play video games, meet new people, and experience new things. I hope while im here I can make a few friends and help people find the peace and comfort they deserve.
Im honestly someone who just has too much love to give the world. I've lived much of my life being subject to abuse and toxicity from parents, friends, coworkers, teachers, strangers, relationships, relatives, etc. Ive battled depression and suicidal ideation since I was 5, and have struggled with autism and adhd my whole life.
For the longest time I always considered suicide to not be an option, but it always led to increased anxiety and eventually hastily attempting out of desperation. After the years ive lived I've realized that honestly suicide is just simply a choice one can make, and that one should only make with a clear mind and careful preparation. While im not ready now, I know my time only grows shorter, and I dont want to suffer anymore than I already have. I just hope that while im still here I can bring others comfort and joy.
In my free time I like to travel, play video games, meet new people, and experience new things. I hope while im here I can make a few friends and help people find the peace and comfort they deserve.
zyprexa
New Member
- Aug 5, 2024
- 2
hellooo :3
it's weird seeing myself as a new member, considering i've been lurking for years. but i figured it was time to finally contribute like.. anything at all to this community :0
ok so let's start: I'm liesa, 23, she/her and i'm from germany so please excuse my mistakes, I know my english isn't too bad considering i've been chronically online for about 12 years, but my mind is a mess and i'm lazy so forming coherent thoughts is suuuper exhausting :,)
i've been mentally ill since i was a child, i don't know what it's like to be healthy and i don't know what it's like to not be suicidal. started therapy at 6, first time in the psych ward was when i was 12 and since then i've been in inpatient treatment every single year.
i had 2 official suicide attempts, one when i was 13 and the other one when i was 15. the second time i drank bleach which is actually hilarious, i was such an edgy teen and everyone was joking about drinking bleach at that time so i figured i'd try it (obviously didn't work) lmfao...
i'm starting to ramble I'm sorry, i don't talk to people irl but i have a lot to say lol
anyway, i'm almost 24, a high school drop out, i never even had a real relationship and this year I started going to this day centre for adults with disabilities and i'm pretty sure this is the end for me, my life is only getting more and more pathetic.
I hope i'll be able to ctb by the time I'm 25, but let's wait and see what'll happen until then.
wow i said more than i wanted to but alright, i'm here now and i hope i'll be able to connect to some nice people here and find/give some support that a lot of us aren't able to get in real life :3 <3
it's weird seeing myself as a new member, considering i've been lurking for years. but i figured it was time to finally contribute like.. anything at all to this community :0
ok so let's start: I'm liesa, 23, she/her and i'm from germany so please excuse my mistakes, I know my english isn't too bad considering i've been chronically online for about 12 years, but my mind is a mess and i'm lazy so forming coherent thoughts is suuuper exhausting :,)
i've been mentally ill since i was a child, i don't know what it's like to be healthy and i don't know what it's like to not be suicidal. started therapy at 6, first time in the psych ward was when i was 12 and since then i've been in inpatient treatment every single year.
i had 2 official suicide attempts, one when i was 13 and the other one when i was 15. the second time i drank bleach which is actually hilarious, i was such an edgy teen and everyone was joking about drinking bleach at that time so i figured i'd try it (obviously didn't work) lmfao...
i'm starting to ramble I'm sorry, i don't talk to people irl but i have a lot to say lol
anyway, i'm almost 24, a high school drop out, i never even had a real relationship and this year I started going to this day centre for adults with disabilities and i'm pretty sure this is the end for me, my life is only getting more and more pathetic.
I hope i'll be able to ctb by the time I'm 25, but let's wait and see what'll happen until then.
wow i said more than i wanted to but alright, i'm here now and i hope i'll be able to connect to some nice people here and find/give some support that a lot of us aren't able to get in real life :3 <3
