Small room, getting smaller. Feeling smaller. Taking more and more damage. Considering cardiac drugs to a lethal dose, mixed with something like xanax or diazepam. Have a number of things stockpiled. Could be ready to go soon. I keep talking, typing, thinking, though I can't really put it into words. I had it all going for me and I wrecked it, now I am shrinking inside myself. Life is insignificant, life goes on, life is irrelevant. I guess I just can't shake myself away from my pain, I can't come to terms with things and how I destroyed myself, threw myself underneath a bus. Don't know how to feel strong enough to act, I feel caught between things, conflicted, humiliated, my head is too far in the oven and I can't stop my face and head from burning bright red, I never stop burning up. Feel paralysed and too indecisive, I keep rushing headfirst but not really doing anything, everything is just one big rush but I do nothing. How do I get off the fence? It's too hard for me to calm down, I'm hurting too much to stay calm. Starting meds as an attempt to calm down but I want to die
