Venting improvement and intrinsic traits

[teapartyparticipant]

hello all. i've been suicidal since i was 8 years old. i'm 21 now. i have an amazing opportunity to get a glimpse of freedom. i have the financial resources, finally, to get my own place and leave my abusive home environment.

the thing is, i think that due to inherent, ingrained habits and personality traits, i will never contribute meaningfully to society, achieve peace, or be truly happy. i've experienced freedom briefly, recently, when i went to a crisis respite center. this is basically a 28 day home-like environment to stabilize. i went when my parents became physically abusive towards each other and i realized my father is emotionally abusive and i just couldn't handle it anymore.

anyway, my point being, i was outside of my home and continued my habits and tendencies that hinder my success. psychosomatic symptoms such as what i suspect to be ibs preventing me from going to school and therapy consistently. ghosting people or responding inconsistently. procrastinating schoolwork and inconsistent communication. over-reliance on llms and ai chatbots. pms and depressive symptoms. other habits i won't mention here. sure, my baseline was much calmer and happier. but the things holding me back were still there.

my question is, whats the likelihood of improvement and change? are people even capable of change? how much of my own impediments are lifelong? i've dropped out of high school, failed multiple college semesters, and lost multiple jobs. i've lost many potential friendships. i've burned bridges. all due to my inconsistency. i've been in therapy and medicated for 10 years. i'm so tired.

i don't know how to improve. if i will improve. at this point, this opportunity doesn't even seem like a way out, it seems like a temporary restoration of hope. one that'll soon be crushed and ruined by my own hand.

if i can't improve here, will i ever improve? how much is it my environment and how much of it is me? thats even if my environment is toxic, which i question constantly. maybe i'm just too sensitive. it doesn't feel worth the plunge. i'll just blow through my savings for a hopeless dream.

thank y'all for reading. hope you have a lovely rest of your day.

 

[timf]

We are all on a trajectory in life. While not set in stone, our early developmental lives greatly set us in a certain direction. However, change is possible. Most people do not exercise direct control over their lives as it is said, "chance and circumstance happen to us all".

Those who come through greater difficulty often find they can exercise greater manual control of their lives usually incrementally. There is a permanent difference in that those who have survived the darker elements of life do not easily find they can plunge into social activities with the careless abandon of most.

People like cops, emergency room nurses, ex-cons, and abuse victims can find that they will always feel a disconnection with those unaware of the more severe elements of human existence. You can make changes and chart your own course, but you will likely find more satisfaction with others who also have had difficulties.