Discussion Imagining a Beautiful Future

[midnight.moon]

I need help. How do we like, umm, numb the desire of seeing what the future holds?

When you have loving family and friends and everyone around u loves u, and you love them, and each day is full of hundreds of small happy moments, but if they find out that u screwed up they wont love u anymore. All those happy moments will turn into blaming and hating and just misery for everyone who will be so disappointed. so no point in living, but we always like happily talk about "oh in a few yrs ____ or, " I cant wait to ____" or things like that and my future could hv been beautiful if I hadn't screwed up but too late now.

How do you, I guess, numb that thought , even if it cant go away fully? So that you can not mourn what could have been?

Like I know logically once I die I can't miss anything...I know that in my brain. I also know that even if I don't CTB, the future everyone expected for me won't happen, because I screwed things up. But I keep imagining what could have been a beautiful future and it hurts so damn much.

Sorry for the lack of grammar, I'm usually decently coherent but I can't even get myself to back read what I wrote because its so painful , knowing what will never be.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Sorry you are feeling so hopeless about the future. I don't know your situation but it sounds like you have a lot to live for and there's no guarantee you can't have the life you want and dream of just because you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, even huge ones. If you can face what happened and work to make amends then there is always a chance. All the best to you either way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is my personal opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt. However, I feel- as long as the individual still has some fight left in them, then there isn't so much a thing as 'entirely screwing things up.' Obviously, I don't know your situation. So, maybe things really are that bad. I'm not meaning to belittle your experience here. Just that, sometimes we make the wrong decisions in life and, end up on the wrong path.

I've had to do a lot of 'course correcting' in my life. I did a second degree in my late twenties, early thirties because I felt so lost and unhappy in life. I've moved 100's of miles for a job and eventually, quit that job! Realising we're not happy and we maybe made the wrong decision is really just a prompt to make a different decision and, see how that works out.

The time I feel like it's kind of over is when you don't have anymore hope or curiosity about your possible futures and/ or, you've run out of energy to try. The courage to try and potentially fail again can also be a hinderance. As can the feeling that nothing will end up being worth the effort.

That's the stage I'm at really. I'm 44, so I feel like I've already tried a lot of things to turn my life around. For me, it's all just been finding the better out of a bunch of bad options and, it just doesn't feel enough anymore. I suppose I feel like realistically, I don't think even my best case scenario will make me all that happy and I don't even have the energy left to even try for it. So, for me, it's experience of knowing myself. What I want, what I'm likely to get with my limited talent, lack of confidence and social skills and, whether I think it's even worth the effort- I don't!

 

[Apathy79]

I'm trying to think what sort of act could cause that level of transition in feeling towards you from everyone. All I can think of is really severe criminal things like murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, something along those lines. Anything short of that and it seems like the effect is probably exaggerated. The fear of the reaction is likely worse than the reaction itself (even if the reaction is still very bad).

I mean I've done some pretty awful stuff in my time and have lost respect of some loved ones at various times, but never all of them and never in a way that was irreconcilable forever. Time heals a lot of this stuff, especially with a whole life of good memories to buffer it.
I'm trying to think what sort of act could cause that level of transition in feeling towards you from everyone. All I can think of is really severe criminal things like murder, rape, torture, paedophilia, something along those lines. Anything short of that and it seems like the effect is probably exaggerated. The fear of the reaction is likely worse than the reaction itself (even if the reaction is still very bad).

I mean I've done some pretty awful stuff in my time and have lost respect of some loved ones at various times, but never all of them and never in a way that was irreconcilable forever. Time heals a lot of this stuff, especially with a whole life of good memories to buffer it.

 

[newstart2000]

my future is devastated. I try to seize everyday until the CTB day comes.

 

[midnight.moon]

It's like big obvious things (ie talking with family about future or whatever and they all think I'll end up successful) but also painfully small things . Like my family saying, "oh , we should go there next time" or my siblings talking about small things they wanna do next yr which I won't see, or even smth like playing a board game, or laughing at a joke. Cuz not only will I not get to do those things, I will also be taking that joy away from them forever.

This is my personal opinion, so you can take it with a grain of salt. However, I feel- as long as the individual still has some fight left in them, then there isn't so much a thing as 'entirely screwing things up.' Obviously, I don't know your situation. So, maybe things really are that bad. I'm not meaning to belittle your experience here. Just that, sometimes we make the wrong decisions in life and, end up on the wrong path.

I've had to do a lot of 'course correcting' in my life. I did a second degree in my late twenties, early thirties because I felt so lost and unhappy in life. I've moved 100's of miles for a job and eventually, quit that job! Realising we're not happy and we maybe made the wrong decision is really just a prompt to make a different decision and, see how that works out.

The time I feel like it's kind of over is when you don't have anymore hope or curiosity about your possible futures and/ or, you've run out of energy to try. The courage to try and potentially fail again can also be a hinderance. As can the feeling that nothing will end up being worth the effort.

That's the stage I'm at really. I'm 44, so I feel like I've already tried a lot of things to turn my life around. For me, it's all just been finding the better out of a bunch of bad options and, it just doesn't feel enough anymore. I suppose I feel like realistically, I don't think even my best case scenario will make me all that happy and I don't even have the energy left to even try for it. So, for me, it's experience of knowing myself. What I want, what I'm likely to get with my limited talent, lack of confidence and social skills and, whether I think it's even worth the effort- I don't!

I really appreciate that.....it does give me hope for a second. You sound very resilient, I really hope things turn around for you or some miracle happens. For me, I was always seen as perfect. My family was soooo proud of me for being ok at academics, it's all I was good at. but all of a sudden everything fell apart, (college, I can't even transfer to a reasonably good school, would hv to go to state) . My parents gave everything up for me to go to a good uni
and I've still been pretending everything is perfect. Lie after lie. And only a few months till it all falls apart. Like if I told them they would be so angry and disappointed and sad. And angry. And we wouldn't hv the small happy everyday moments. I don't wanna live a life where they know what a failure I am.

 

[GlassMoon]

It's like big obvious things (ie talking with family about future or whatever and they all think I'll end up successful) but also painfully small things . Like my family saying, "oh , we should go there next time" or my siblings talking about small things they wanna do next yr which I won't see, or even smth like playing a board game, or laughing at a joke. Cuz not only will I not get to do those things, I will also be taking that joy away from them forever.

I can feel how incredibly painful this must be for you, and I can also sense how much you're still longing to be part of that future even though you don't want to feel this way... is it possible for you to use your last sentence to feel through the conflict in a way? That maybe in spite of all the anger, they'd still be happy to have you?

I've also defined myself through academic success for quite some time, but then also fell into a hole when that option was gone.

 

[midnight.moon]

I can feel how incredibly painful this must be for you, and I can also sense how much you're still longing to be part of that future even though you don't want to feel this way... is it possible for you to use your last sentence to feel through the conflict in a way? That maybe in spite of all the anger, they'd still be happy to have you?

I've also defined myself through academic success for quite some time, but then also fell into a hole when that option was gone.

Sorry, I know this is late. Can you explain what you mean by using my last sentence?

I'm so sorry ur going through it tooo . It hurts so much. Especially when we do fun things like watch a movie or go on vacation. We're on vacation right now. Prolly my last with them. And like they love me so much. But that love is based on lies. And only small amount of time till the lies come out. I have to die before then.

 

[GlassMoon]

It's like big obvious things (ie talking with family about future or whatever and they all think I'll end up successful) but also painfully small things . Like my family saying, "oh , we should go there next time" or my siblings talking about small things they wanna do next yr which I won't see, or even smth like playing a board game, or laughing at a joke. Cuz not only will I not get to do those things, I will also be taking that joy away from them forever.

Sure, I'll try to express this more clearly: I understand that you're feeling that they'd be sad about losing you. I think that shows that you feel how important you are to them. Maybe if you imagined they had a choice in this matter, they'd rather have you still with them, even after you told them everything? Of course, they might be angry for a (long) while, especially if money for tuition is involved, and I'm sure it would hurt. And ask why you did not tell them earlier. Imagine if you told them the truth - that you were worried that they would not love you anymore. Maybe then they'd understand how much of a burden the expected academic success has been for you.
You've also mentioned all these small beautiful moments that you're enjoying together. Those moments are not based on your supposed academic success, are they? So they'd still be there after they found out, right? Maybe those moments are the real source of the feeling of love, but the academic success is just a source of pride, and not the source of the love that you're feeling.

I'm so sorry ur going through it tooo .

Thanks... but in my case, I initially blamed it all on external circumstances, like well-known issues in academia and a bad boss. Only recently I've started to open up about my own contributions in therapy sessions.

 

[outrider567]

'A beautiful future', I had that once and for a long time also.....her death destroyed it, now and forever

 

[midnight.moon]

Sure, I'll try to express this more clearly: I understand that you're feeling that they'd be sad about losing you. I think that shows that you feel how important you are to them. Maybe if you imagined they had a choice in this matter, they'd rather have you still with them, even after you told them everything? Of course, they might be angry for a (long) while, especially if money for tuition is involved, and I'm sure it would hurt. And ask why you did not tell them earlier. Imagine if you told them the truth - that you were worried that they would not love you anymore. Maybe then they'd understand how much of a burden the expected academic success has been for you.
You've also mentioned all these small beautiful moments that you're enjoying together. Those moments are not based on your supposed academic success, are they? So they'd still be there after they found out, right? Maybe those moments are the real source of the feeling of love, but the academic success is just a source of pride, and not the source of the love that you're feeling.



Thanks... but in my case, I initially blamed it all on external circumstances, like well-known issues in academia and a bad boss. Only recently I've started to open up about my own contributions in therapy sessions.

Ohhhhhh. That totally makes sense. They of coy would rather have me here restarting than ... be gone. And I know eventually in a few years things will be ok. But I'm being so selfish. It's about me not having to live with them knowing I screwed up. Like they think I'm perfect , they mention it like every day, and I wanna die before the truth comes out that iv been lying for years, if that makes sense? Like iv briefly considering telling them everything and dying if the reaction is unbearable. But I don't even wanna be alive to see their realization and reaction, you know?
Like I've literally done nothing this past year except sit around at home. Learned nothing , studied nothing. I do online college, I was supposed to transfer to a UC.
A few nights ago this week I had a long vivid dream where I told my dad everything, and then ran away and tried to can't but it didn't work and he was like mad but like u can restart, and they were trying to not show that they were mad cuz they were scared I would cbt, but I still wanted to die cuz I knew that they knew and nothing would be the same. I know it's not rational....and I'm just rambling pessimistic nonsense while you're trying to help, I'm so sorry.
As my time nears I'm unable to forget that imma cbt like I used to. That reality is always there. It's like a constant, never leaving, feeling of panic. The emotional pain has become physical, like a tightness in my chest and back to sore shoulders to tingling in my fingers and toes to tremoring and constant nausea and piercing headaches to random crying. I can't eat anything which is good for anorexia lol cuz the whole failing thing started when I lost like 15 pounds but I just want to leave behind good memories of the next few months. I wish I would get hit by a car or something. I don't look both ways before I cross a road, cuz I know the chances of actually getting hit or low.

Is therapy is helping you....

'A beautiful future', I had that once and for a long time also.....her death destroyed it, now and forever

I'm so sorry...