I'm too stupid and uninteresting to live

[Blue_]

Seriously, I don't know what to do anymore apart from killing me. I have suffered from depression and severe isolation since childhood, so I have never been able to develop the necessary cognitive skills to have normal conversations and engage with others.

It's as if I felt a lot of things but was unable to express anything in writing or speaking. My brain is in a total fog and all I can do in front of someone is to say something completely flat and without any interest, I am unable to make humor and feel a lot of envy for those who are naturally able to.

I tried everything to improve things, I fought to no longer be a depressive and suicidal rag, I tried more than 10 years of therapy, lots of anti-depressants (which made my stupidity worse) , to force myself to expose myself to the world...All I managed to accomplish was to exhaust myself more.

I just want to be loved but it's impossible and seeing people I love walk away from me because of how a bad person I am is the most painful thing ever and I'm too tired of it.

I can't even find a job or being a proper adult, everything has become a source of disappointment and frustration, which doesn't help the current situation. So I've been thinking about it for several months now, and the most judicious and logical solution in my case is to limit future suffering by completely removing the source of the problem. I want to stop everything.

I don't like the idea of dying and would have loved to be able to live a normal and happy life. It must be amazing to discover the world, to eat good things, I love nature and animals and would have liked to continue to see the colors change with the seasons...
But with my current condition It's impossible.

Me and all of you on this forum, we don't deserve to suffer so much, it's not fair

 

[Gangrel]

You're not a bad person for struggling like this, and you don't deserve this level of pain. The fact that you can articulate this depth of feeling, even here in writing, shows clarity and self-awareness that contradicts the "stupidity". The isolation and cognitive fog you describe are classic, debilitating symptoms of long-term depression, not character flaws. Yes it is unfair, i'm really sorry life sucks.

 

[Blue_]

You're not a bad person for struggling like this, and you don't deserve this level of pain. The fact that you can articulate this depth of feeling, even here in writing, shows clarity and self-awareness that contradicts the "stupidity". The isolation and cognitive fog you describe are classic, debilitating symptoms of long-term depression, not character flaws. Yes it is unfair, i'm really sorry life sucks.

Thank you for your warm words and for taking the time to answer me . I dream of a solution to this cognitive fog, can't stand being a shadow of my former self anymore.

There are also the problems of my co-dependency that ruin my life. I met someone Incredible recently, who accepts me despite my fragility and emotional instability. But I can't help but be terrified. This person holds the pieces in my life, the day they are gone I will collapse.