NSFW I'm too asexual for my relationship, and NPD is not helping

[venerated-vader]

Deeply personal and incredibly embarrassing shit incoming, but oh-the-fuck-well.

It occurred to me yesterday that i don't understand why people feel the need to have sex. So, people get horny. I have a libido, I UNDERSTAND THAT. but I don't get why people can't masturbate and feel satisfied. Why does there need to be this unexpressed expectation that sex must go from 0-100 or it doesn't count? God forbid someone is uncomfortable but feels obligated to do the whole thing because i mean they 'already started' right?

My partner hasn't forced me into anything, to be clear; I come off as incredibly enthusiastic. I match their energy completely, and I make sure I'm always enthusiastic about it regardless of how I feel, because that's what they want and I will be what they want. But that doesn't change the way I feel deeper down (who would have guessed), and dealing with their ensuing irritation in the event I'm not interested in 100%ing this quick time event sure feels like I'm being punished for not participating.

So I'm usually trying to dissociate while we do this shit, or I try to focus on all the fun they're having, because their satisfaction has been gratifying enough to me, and I tell myself that's enough. But it seems like that's all I'm there to do. But lo and behold, I've been betraying myself time and time again because I'm an NPD ridden bastard who is desperate for my partner to believe I'm The Best and exactly who they want, so they won't want to leave. That's so fucking pathetic, oh my GOD. I cannot possibly put into words how angry it makes me that I've fallen into this trap... you know, the trap i set for myself out of sheer malignant ignorance. Childhood trauma go brr.

Narcissistic personality disorder has me aiming to not just satisfy my partner, but to do it perfectly. If they're not happy, I feel like I'm fucking up. They must believe I'm the best at having sex, and I must do it right, otherwise I have to re-evaluate what I'm doing and study what it is they enjoy so it'll be better next time. You ever ruminate over conversations? That's me, but with sex. This haunts me for hours. Days. And it's because I just want them to be happy. I'm not out here trying to deceive them, but I have been deceiving myself so the result is the same. I've found ways to make myself believe I enjoy the process, and I've been happy to do it. Except I'm not happy, actually, because I see all this effort I'm putting in, and I don't see that from my partner (which, obviously I don't. they don't see this from ME, right? They don't know. so how would I know?), so I start to think I'm doing more than they are. And bam, all of a sudden I'm irritated and angry and feeling neglected, when at the end of the day I'm the one sitting here coming up with all this shit and then not understanding why I'm miserable. That, too, is pathetic. I'm like a chameleon trying to become what people expect of me instead of trying to stay true to myself-- except, there's no one to stay true TO because there's no unified sense of self, here. But i've been so terrified of admitting it to myself (which, at this point my partner is aware of this, but i don't know how much they understand, given how little I understand.)

I wish I would have known about NPD when i met my partner, because otherwise I wouldn't have put us in this situation. I just thought I was doing the right thing by them, because I got it in my head that when you're in a relationship, sex comes as part of the deal or there is no relationship. But as it turns out, I'm just a liar, and I believed myself 100,000%. Whoopdeedo, NPD fucking sucks, 0/10.

 

[Forveleth]

I get where you are coming from about wanting to please your partner and do the best for them and not be a disappointment to them or have them be disappointed.

This sounds like a conversation you need to have with your partner. Either things were not stated clearly at the beginning of the relationship or things have changed and were not communicated. Take it from someone who did not communicate clearly with their partner to avoid hurting their feelings. It sucks. It really sucks. You just have to keep pretending and faking it, and it slowly kills your soul. You really should sit down and talk with your partner.

It also sounds like you are familiar with your own disorder and know what is going on there. I am not quite familiar with the vulnerable version of NPD, so I can not sy much on that front. Do you have access to any resources that could help you with adapting to living with NPD? Have you tried implementing any changes to attempt to redirect your thinking?

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Hope things can turn around for you.

 

[thaelyana]

Oh my god be my partner if you're that good. Jokes aside, you're not obligated to anything, really. And if your partner knows how you feel, why is it always you who has to manage the boundaries? It's super important to have them, it's not your dad, but they should still help you set them, especially if you can't do it alone. Also, I don't agree on one thing: personally, I don't really care about masturbation, because what I love is being with my boyfriend. For me, it's not just sex that matters, it's the connection, being together (you know what I mean). But have you ever heard that sex is the most narcissistic place? Like, it's literally the moment where you think the most about yourself, your pleasure, your image, how you're perceived. It's kind of selfish by nature, and it's not necessarily bad, but I find it really interesting that you have almost the opposite approach, where you mostly think about the other person :) stay strong

 

[webb&flow]

desperate for my partner to believe I'm The Best and exactly who they want, so they won't want to leave. That's so fucking pathetic, oh my GOD. I cannot possibly put into words how angry it makes me that I've fallen into this trap... you know, the trap i set for myself

it's not your fault friend <3 your trauma & psychological conditions, are not your fault :) you didn't choose to have them, you just want to feel better in the midst of your pain, that's all :)

And bam, all of a sudden I'm irritated and angry and feeling neglected, when at the end of the day I'm the one sitting here coming up with all this shit and then not understanding why I'm miserable. That, too, is pathetic.

i completely understand why you feel pathetic when you're going through so much, having been put through so much, by the weird thing that is the human psyche, especially when it just decides to miscalibrate on us. But I want you to know that, even in this confusion, when things are going haywire and you don't know what to do, and you're fucking everything up—then, to be in such difficulty, doesn't necessarily mean you're pathetic <3.

Etymology

From Middle French pathétique, from Latin patheticus, from Ancient Greek παθητικός (pathētikós, "subject to feeling, capable of feeling, impassioned"), from παθητός (pathētós, "one who has suffered, subject to suffering"), from πάσχω (páskhō, "to suffer").

Adjective

pathetic (comparative more pathetic, superlative most pathetic)

1. Arousing pity, sympathy, or compassion; exciting pathos.

The child's pathetic pleas for forgiveness stirred the young man's heart.​

It seems 'pathetic' merely means someone in pain, someone who might naturally connect with the natural human desire to help one another, through their own pain being seen. Or, simply to be in pain, to be feeling. And so, everyone is pathetic. I be pathetic, everyone in their life be pathetic (in some time), and so, it need not be a stranger thing, to be in pain, to feel out of your mind, deep in depths of pathos and emotion. It happens to us all; and if we are to blame any other person for their own emotion, we only blame our own selves: for when we indict emotion, we are not able to merely convict just one other, but we unknowingly charge ourselves, as well.

From "pathetic", comes sympathetic. To feel· with one another. I would rather be pathetic than to distance myself from my fellow human; for to me, pain is not a shameful thing: but, to forgive ourselves, to attain that favourable light for ourselves in our own mind—through the finest of compassion and care, tendered and crafted by the exacting frames of Reason itself—to me, this is as important as "being pathetic". Because how can we be sympathetic with ourselves, if we are not pathetic first?

Indeed it is a serious struggle, it is terrifying to experience it by yourself, let alone expose this tender pain to your own partner. I cannot command you in what secrets you hold—but, I feel that, ideally, your partner would sympathize with your pain, and do what best they can, to soothe your psyche and body, through tender understanding.

But indeed you did not choose to give yourself the struggle of NPD, rather, the neurology you were born with or had developed through whay you have experienced (nature and nurture, respectively) caused whichever struggle you are working through right now. Rather, you are sincerely writing your honest heart out, seeking catharsis, seeking understanding, seeking wisdom. Such candidness, I cannot in good conscience even consider as pathetic :).

Your fellow human,
Webb.

 

[venerated-vader]

I read everyone's reply but haven't replied because #embarrassment.

I realized i've been out here refusing to admit that this shit is over. I'm scared to leave, but i can't go have more sex with someone who gets instantly overwhelmed by my emotional needs. So yeah anyway i'm probably going to have to move out and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. Alas. Hopefully I have the gumption.