Venting Im tired.

[Freedombus'25]

Im not really.... capable of interacting in a way that goes beyond my suicidality sooooo im isolating. Which im fine with. That part of me that usually jumps out and assumes connection, effort, whatever else I do will change things or shift & I'll see the long term within this life has not kicked in.

I feel so fucking weird everytime I feel suicidal now. Fuzzy. Off. Just... ugh. Thennnn I just feel like I can tangibly make a plan for once. But I'm stuck on logistics again.


Would prefer to ctb at "home"(Im grateful to have a space to live but I don't feel... like I belong anywhere ig) would prefer overdose im kinda thinking of different things to combine likeeee maybe if I can get the right combo somehow I can?

Ig the dark web is an option. I used to be scared of it. Im not anymore. Im just.... here... I dunno.

Other option is jumping. Not much room to survive or back out so it makes me feel comfortable in a fucked up way but the whole process makes me feel really fucking uncomfortable for obv reasons.


Being tied to life or death out of fear is a shit way to go or stay.


Less fear based more fed up based but it all still ends up being hard. So im just contemplating. It makes me anxious & relieved to think about. The dissociation like rn... gets real.

Dunno why. That's all for now ig.

 

[Forveleth]

I know how this goes. I got to a semi-dissociative state on my ctb journey when thinking about suicide. I can't really give you any advice other than ride it out as that is what I do when I dissociate due to stress. It seems like you are thinking through your options which is a good place to start. I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide.