Venting I'm tired of being borderline.

[ireallylikedyou]

It is agonizing to wake up everyday and feel like a shell of a person. I'm so empty and almost nothing feels fulfilling enough to make me forget how miserable I really am. It constantly feels like a battle with myself, convinced that my friends and those close to me dislike me and my presence even when that isn't the case simply because I cannot comprehend the fact that they truly care for me and want me around. I just constantly feel unwanted and out of place, even around groups of people I've known for my whole life. I tend to self isolate because of these feelings, which further distances me from everyone I care about and intensifying the feelings of loneliness. I can't deal with this constantly anymore. I just miss when my friends would put in more of an effort. It feels like if I didn't reach out, we'd never speak again. It's like my absence doesn't bother anyone. I can't be alone and I can't regulate how I feel and I am exhausted.

 

[liskuntreat]

i dont know what could solve it. its always gonna be an issue for me, theres no limit to needing to be wanted with no compromise or conditions. if that cant be met ( with the unrealistic standards ive illogically generated in my mind) im in a rush to cut off all contact and preserve whatever peace of mind i have in a secluded state. kind of like all or nothing for every social bond i ever develop

 

[ireallylikedyou]

i dont know what could solve it. its always gonna be an issue for me, theres no limit to needing to be wanted with no compromise or conditions. if that cant be met ( with the unrealistic standards ive illogically generated in my mind) im in a rush to cut off all contact and preserve whatever peace of mind i have in a secluded state. kind of like all or nothing for every social bond i ever develop

Yes!! Exactly, it's like restraining myself from making such rash impulsive decisions to all these bonds I create, even new ones that don't owe me anything. Even toward people who show me they like me, It's incomprehensible.

 

[mrselfdestruct]

Completely get it. It's absolutely hard. Even when things are at the best they can be, I end up self-sabotaging and ruining it all.
(Welcome to SaSu btw, OP.)

 

[sadtrumpet]

People's actions speak louder than words.

 

[encore]

and i hate how the main goal this world set for us is to just "learn how to deal with it". that's one of the main reasons why i want to ctb. i don't want to learn how to cope alone, how to become independent. it feels like all the advice and "help" is aimed at making us fit in more, hide better, do less damage to others, not actually FEEL better about ourselves and this world, and our past trauma. it's not healing. none of it is. it's so deeply unfair, that i don't even want to participate anymore. i don't want to be held to the same standards everyone else is, because that's the opposite of fair, it assumes everyone started with the same resources, had equally non-traumatizing past etc. this world sickens me.

 

[ireallylikedyou]

and i hate how the main goal this world set for us is to just "learn how to deal with it". that's one of the main reasons why i want to ctb. i don't want to learn how to cope alone, how to become independent. it feels like all the advice and "help" is aimed at making us fit in more, hide better, do less damage to others, not actually FEEL better about ourselves and this world, and our past trauma. it's not healing. none of it is. it's so deeply unfair, that i don't even want to participate anymore. i don't want to be held to the same standards everyone else is, because that's the opposite of fair, it assumes everyone started with the same resources, had equally non-traumatizing past etc. this world sickens me.

It's like they see us as another problem to get rid of.

 

[liskuntreat]

it feels like all the advice and "help" is aimed at making us fit in more, hide better, do less damage to others, not actually FEEL better about ourselves and this world, and our past trauma. it's not healing. none of it is.

i personally dont think it can heal, an issue this central to your outlook on human connection is way too intimate and genuine, making it atleast REALLY hard to heal. the vulnerability always resets progress and the same longing for care is apparent in the end. this issue is fundamental to my existence i think

 

[ireallylikedyou]

Completely get it. It's absolutely hard. Even when things are at the best they can be, I end up self-sabotaging and ruining it all.
(Welcome to SaSu btw, OP.)

Self sabotaging is frustrating me because I do it unknowingly. Also, thank you!

 

[monetpompo]

It constantly feels like a battle with myself, convinced that my friends and those close to me dislike me and my presence even when that isn't the case simply because I cannot comprehend the fact that they truly care for me and want me around. I just constantly feel unwanted and out of place, even around groups of people I've known for my whole life. I tend to self isolate because of these feelings, which further distances me from everyone I care about and intensifying the feelings of loneliness.

and i hate how the main goal this world set for us is to just "learn how to deal with it". that's one of the main reasons why i want to ctb. i don't want to learn how to cope alone

ue ue ue (sound of crying)...

this post is exactly how i feel and exactly why i want to kill myself. i'm sorry that you feel like this. it hurts so much to hate myself and not trust anyone around me. it hurts so much. i want to die because i just want to be a normal human being but i can't be one. i self-isolate and self harm and beg my best friend to tell me that they secretly hate me because i can't take how much i think about them hating me. i feel like this every single day and the counselors i've to see just tell me to love myself. they don't understand. i don't know who understands besides other borderlines. i feel like i'm just some crazy loser people are only pretending to be friends with even if i am funny or i am someone people want to talk to. i think this with everyone i like and it makes me scared that i think that no one is capable of loving me as much as i hate myself. this is my favorite thread since it feels like such a specific issue. i feel like i've wrapped my entire being around how much i hate myself that other people must be happy when they don't hear from me. my brain feels all fucked up and stupid. i cry because i think of people leaving me and i want to send them texts saying not to leave me when they're probably just doing something normal and not thinking of me. i feel like i have a sickness i need to hide from people or they'll think i'm pathetic and needy.

also welcome to sasu!!!!!!!!! ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩‧₊
we love new people!!

 

[encore]

i personally dont think it can heal, an issue this central to your outlook on human connection is way too intimate and genuine, making it atleast REALLY hard to heal. the vulnerability always resets progress and the same longing for care is apparent in the end. this issue is fundamental to my existence i think

this is exactly how i feel. you put it into words perfectly. the wound is endless, because it was inflicted during the time we were most tender and defenseless. we practically have no inner resource to fall back on, because no one cared to provide it for us, to build it up and prepare us for adulthood. and when we finally reach it, we learn that the "real world" is even more cruel, that parental love and the security of our home was supposed to be a safe shelter, not the other way round. with this world full of betrayal, pain, deception, what do we need to pull from when things get bad? we never had anything in the first place.

 

[ireallylikedyou]

View attachment 167275
ue ue ue (sound of crying)...

this post is exactly how i feel and exactly why i want to kill myself. i'm sorry that you feel like this. it hurts so much to hate myself and not trust anyone around me. it hurts so much. i want to die because i just want to be a normal human being but i can't be one. i self-isolate and self harm and beg my best friend to tell me that they secretly hate me because i can't take how much i think about them hating me. i feel like this every single day and the counselors i've to see just tell me to love myself. they don't understand. i don't know who understands besides other borderlines. i feel like i'm just some crazy loser people are only pretending to be friends with even if i am funny or i am someone people want to talk to. i think this with everyone i like and it makes me scared that i think that no one is capable of loving me as much as i hate myself. this is my favorite thread since it feels like such a specific issue. i feel like i've wrapped my entire being around how much i hate myself that other people must be happy when they don't hear from me. my brain feels all fucked up and stupid. i cry because i think of people leaving me and i want to send them texts saying not to leave me when they're probably just doing something normal and not thinking of me. i feel like i have a sickness i need to hide from people or they'll think i'm pathetic and needy.

also welcome to sasu!!!!!!!!! ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩‧₊
we love new people!!

I'm happy to make you feel seen and heard! I relate to everything you described. It's the irrational fear of abandonment and needing to have people around you for me personally. You aren't ever pathetic, good things come your way. Also thank you!

 

[Manic Panic]

It's hard because someday everything in my life is going well but inside my head it's as if the world is ending.
People don't have anything to do with me anymore and I'm both understanding and furious that the people who I once called friends would do something so shitty to me.

 

[iplayedmyself]

take some niacin(nicotinic acid) whenever you start to freak out, its vitamin b3 and get the type that produces a flush effect on your skin, it'll chill you out instantly you could take it daily and be perfectly fine.

 

[ireallylikedyou]

take some niacin(nicotinic acid) whenever you start to freak out, its vitamin b3 and get the type that produces a flush effect on your skin, it'll chill you out instantly you could take it daily and be perfectly fine.

Thank you!

 

[monetpompo]

take some niacin(nicotinic acid) whenever you start to freak out, its vitamin b3 and get the type that produces a flush effect on your skin, it'll chill you out instantly you could take it daily and be perfectly fine.

does it really work????? i've heard about this before but didn't try it out. do you have a specific one you buy?

 

[iplayedmyself]

does it really work????? i've heard about this before but didn't try it out. do you have a specific one you buy?

I get nicotinic acid (thats the name of niacin that produces the flush effect) without any extended release off amazon, the one I use is called Horbäach Niacin and the label on the bottle is silver. I take one which has 500mg and that seems to work well for me, it kicks in quick and dampens down my emotions for the rest of the day.