Erin Inari
Member
- Sep 9, 2019
- 72
Been wanting to give it another go but I think that I will be trying to CTB on Sunday. I have to still try a bit more to overcome the SI but besides that I'm ready to go. I have a local park nearby me with a pull up bar so that will work. Probably do it like one or two in the morning so I won't be interrupted.
I've remembered just recently that every year since during and since highschool at some point in another I promised myself that I won't live past the year; and promptly broke those promises , though not from lack of trying (I've had 6 attempts and many more close shaves). I haven't really progressed at all since highschool, my issues only have gotten worse as time got on especially in college. I feel as though I am a dead end, useless, and have no real future to look forwards to. I've been out of college for three years now with a couple of attempts to start back up again only to be met with failure on my part. I hate my body and mind not being right and sabotaging me at every turn. I've started to burn again. And I've isolated past the point of return but for two friends who I haven't spoken to in months. I only now live for my two friends and family but somewhat recently my friends have gone dark and I can't get a response from either of them. Either they have stopped responding when after I told them that I was trans, or they have CTB themselves. They were both having issues of their own but I don't really know which option is worse at this time. Family wise I've been growing apart for a while now and I think that I can try to go one more time, hopefully for the last, without much issue. Or as much as there once could have been.
i still need to wrap up some final things before Sunday but baring that i'm ready to go. Just waiting for the opportunity to slip away. Till then I'll still be here and posting up until the end at which point i'll either have succeeded, not been able to overcome my SI, or been sent to the hospital, again. Hopefully not those last two.
I've remembered just recently that every year since during and since highschool at some point in another I promised myself that I won't live past the year; and promptly broke those promises , though not from lack of trying (I've had 6 attempts and many more close shaves). I haven't really progressed at all since highschool, my issues only have gotten worse as time got on especially in college. I feel as though I am a dead end, useless, and have no real future to look forwards to. I've been out of college for three years now with a couple of attempts to start back up again only to be met with failure on my part. I hate my body and mind not being right and sabotaging me at every turn. I've started to burn again. And I've isolated past the point of return but for two friends who I haven't spoken to in months. I only now live for my two friends and family but somewhat recently my friends have gone dark and I can't get a response from either of them. Either they have stopped responding when after I told them that I was trans, or they have CTB themselves. They were both having issues of their own but I don't really know which option is worse at this time. Family wise I've been growing apart for a while now and I think that I can try to go one more time, hopefully for the last, without much issue. Or as much as there once could have been.
i still need to wrap up some final things before Sunday but baring that i'm ready to go. Just waiting for the opportunity to slip away. Till then I'll still be here and posting up until the end at which point i'll either have succeeded, not been able to overcome my SI, or been sent to the hospital, again. Hopefully not those last two.
