I'm scared

[G000pie]

I've been putting it off for so long, always saying "I'll do it this weekend" but I'm running out of time and need to get it done whie I still can... but I guess it just has dawned on me how real it all is. I don't want to keep living, to keep suffering, and my suffering will only increase if I keep waiting. But I'm scared. I'm scared of the pain, the loss of conciousness, the black void or whatever is beyond... I was at peace about it back in January and February, I should've gone back then but I had to go and give myself hope again. But I can see it was just me coping. There is no hope. And I don't know how to get that peace back.
I can't talk to anyone about this irl cause they'd freak out and get angry or try to convince me to stay- or just throw me in a psych ward so I can get even more trauma. I need to leave. I need to die. But I'm just scared. Really, really scared.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Yes it is very very scary. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I'm here. I understand it's frustrating not being able to talk about this with most people outside of this place.
I feel the same knowing my suffering will just increase the longer I wait, and it makes me so scared too. And I also had peace about dying once and it's gone now. I really wish you can get it back.