I’m exhausted

[ghostwithnoequal]

I've been preoccupied with ctb.. It's been persistent, almost daily, but more at night, in the quiet when I'm alone. I've been through an unimaginable amount of trauma over the last three years. I'm transgender and I survived the hate crime and SA. Two separate events, one a stranger and the other a close friend. But both happened right after I lost my best friend who took his life and my grandmother, who was the mother that raised me. All of this caused me to relapse. At this point I'm about 600 days sober my life appears to be back together. I'm in therapy. I moved to a new city and built new community and friends. But the emptiness I feel when those ghosts creep up in the quiet of the night leave me feeling exhausted. The result of all of those things happening I lost my business. I lost my wife. I lost everything and even though I've rebuilt and life appears to be normal and I appear to be thriving. I'm exhausted. I thought really seriously today about ctb. I fear the impact it would have on my child, but I don't know if he's enough to stop me from doing it or if there's any value in me being around when I'm still feeling this profound emptiness and exhaustion. I ask myself if I'm actually showing up for him or anyone else for that matter? Or is it all an act so people don't know how profoundly sad I am? I definitely would do it by hanging because I'm too scared to do it any way else and it not succeeding. Both the rope and the bar in my closet, calling to me more and more.

 

[gottacheckout]

I went through several months of the same thing. Couldn't get to sleep at night because my mind would just spin around ctb. Finally I was at my doctor's for another reason and had a talk about it with him. He is in family medicine but has done a lot of studying to work with me. He has also assured, and proven, that he will not intervene with my choices. Anyway, he made a seemingly minor change to my medication protocol that has made all the difference. He took an antipsycotic and change it from pm to am. I thought he was crazy but it really made a difference.

I know medication isn't for everybody but sometimes it does work

 

[ghostwithnoequal]

I went through several months of the same thing. Couldn't get to sleep at night because my mind would just spin around ctb. Finally I was at my doctor's for another reason and had a talk about it with him. He is in family medicine but has done a lot of studying to work with me. He has also assured, and proven, that he will not intervene with my choices. Anyway, he made a seemingly minor change to my medication protocol that has made all the difference. He took an antipsycotic and change it from pm to am. I thought he was crazy but it really made a difference.

I know medication isn't for everybody but sometimes it does work

I'm on medication too and can't help but wonder if something needs to be adjusted. I feel like I was doing ok and just lately the last few months I'm just so aggravated, tired and at times preoccupied with ctb

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm on medication too and can't help but wonder if something needs to be adjusted. I feel like I was doing ok and just lately the last few months I'm just so aggravated, tired and at times preoccupied with ctb

That is what happened to me. It got so bad I became sleep deprived. The change he made took effect quickly. You will be able to receive conversations soon and I'll reach out more about my medications.