I'm confused and desperate, I don't know what to do

[iwantitalltoend]

I can't take this life much longer, it's too much. The thing I want most is to die and be free from this hell and from this shitty and miserable world. I'm tired of living like this, this isn't life anyway, it's a burden, I should have never been born in the first place, I should have never come here in this hellish world. I'm trapped in this prison and many times it feels like there's no way out. It's so frustrating because I have money, I live with my parents and they have enough money, they help me with this and I can afford to buy things for many methods that can be fast and painless such as the inert gas, carbon monoxide, sn but I'm not smart enough to know everything that I have to do because of my mental ilnesses and cognitive problems, I'm also tired a lot because of chronique fatigue. I never used drugs and I don't know any dealer, otherwise I could buy fentanyl or heroin. I could go to Peru to get nembutal but what worries me is that it's not guaranteed that I'll get what I want. Flights to Peru aren't usually direct flights, they have one stop or even more than that and it could be difficult for me because I never travelled alone to other countries that have more stops, I travelled with my parents, relatives and some friends before on holidays to other countries. The fact that I never travelled alone shouldn't stop me, I can travel but it would be more difficult to go to other continents if the flights have more stops, that's another thing that makes me uncertain about going to Peru. I wish I could go there and get what I want, and I could but there are some uncertain things about it. I don't know spanish either so that's another problem. I could afford to pay for assisted death programs at clinics in Europe, such as clinics from Switzerland or other countries, but I don't know if I could be accepted there. I read about many methods from here, it's not like I didn't do research, I know what they're about overall and what they imply, but it's hard for me to know everything that I have to do correctly. I want a fast and painless death, or if it's a bit uncomfortable then at least I want it to be fast and know that I don't survive, but many methods have risks of failure and surviving. They could work as well, just because there are risks doesn't mean they won't work, but the risks are what I'm afraid of. That's why I'm afraid of jumping for example. It's true that in most cases jumping from big heights can be lethal, but there's still a small chance that you could survive and if you do you could end up like a vegetable for life and the pain would be horrifying. I did think about hanging and if I knew exactly how to do it correctly so that I have a very fast death then I would seriously consider it, I know that you have to put pressure on the carotid arteries, there are certain types of ropes that are more recommended for this and that you need a strong anchor point, but I'm not sure how to do it correctly. It could be risky if it's not done correctly, if you survive you could have disabilities for life. I thought about sn as well, I read about it and know overall what it's about but I'm not smart enough to know everything that I have to do such as the whole process or protocol of it, at what time to take the required pills, I don't know what pills are necessary and what other pills aren't necessary, how to test the type and purity of sn. Another problem that I have is that I overthink a lot, I think about a lot of details, of what could go right or wrong. It's important to think about details and risks but I think too much and I find it very difficult to decide what to do. I know that I shouldn't think that much and just do it, if I keep thinking about all the details then I might never kill myself. It's hard because there are so many informations about many methods and there are a lot of possibilities, that's why it's hard for me to make a choice

 

[rozeske]

In the current anti-suicidal world we live in today its a slim pickings of peaceful and reliable methods out there to bigin with but it might be less overwhelming for you if you could let go of methods that you can never get to work for accessibility or technical issues or whatever and try and focus only on the ones you can make work.

 

[stackers]

I feel your pain . If only there was a button we could press and it would all be over. Now wouldn't that be bliss. Sending hugs to you .

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so trapped in this existence, it's so incredibly cruel and unacceptable how one cannot have the option to just easily die in peace even know existing truly is nothing more than meaningless suffering, I also feel so tired of it all. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[errorsinmypast]

I feel every word you say here, it's almost like I wrote this! You have exactly the same anxieties as me. I think in an ideal world we'd go to sleep and never wake up. Hell id be happy if someone would just come up behind me when I'm walking I'm the street and just shoot me in the back of the head. That's how desperate I feel