So I posted on here a few months ago after getting out of a mental hospital. I decided to try and live my life and improve my lot. Unfortunately that hasn't worked out at all. Life as someone with a criminal record is awful. I can't find a job, I'm living in a halfway house with other criminals and former mental patients, my friends have left me. I just can't take the shame of being an ex-con. That's not the life that I want. Every morning I dread getting out of bed. It's like I've been living the same day over and over again. I'm 29. I should be getting up for work every day, and spending time with friends at the weekends. I have made one or two friends the past few months but once they try and get to know me better they sense something is wrong, they sense I'm hiding something. I've been doing drugs to try and escape but I stopped a few months ago because it was just making things worse. Before my arrest I was a teacher, a respected member of my community, with a small but wonderful circle of friends around me. Now I have nothing. I AM nothing. The scars of the past few years will be with me forever, the things that have been done to me, the people I've met. I simply can't face the guilt and the shame of this any more. I've decided to CTB. I know how much this will hurt my family but at least this way no one we know will find out I've been to prison. I haven't decided on my method yet. I can't even remember what method I chose the last time I was considering this. But I do plan on recording a video message for my family explaining my decision and asking their forgiveness.
