I worry about who finds me

[amnotreal]

Something that always complicates my plans is fear of who will find my body after and not wanting to traumatize them. I have a method that seems ok to me but will take a while to have all materials but now I don't know where to do it. Sometimes I think I could go backpacking someplace pretty rural and go away from the trails so that maybe no one finds me for a long time or ever. I don't know. I always try and think it through to every last detail and it stops me. I'm afraid of failure though.

 

[noctiva]

It's very kind of you to consider others and not wanting to traumatize anyone. I appreciate that you're so concerned for other's well being. Can you tell us a bit about your method and your living situation so maybe people can help you better? Do you live alone, do you live with parents/ roommates/ spouse, how much time do you get to yourself in this situation?
Have you thought about what you would do when backpacking?
If you die abroad, it will be very expensive for your family to get your body home, so going too far is also not a good idea.
Another issue is also if no one finds you for a while. It will prohibit your family members to say their farewells. Your body is an important reminder of you, it helps the grieving process to see the body, to be able to say goodbye face to face. If you aren't found for a while, this is not possible for your family.
If you're not being found for a while or at all, it will also be hard for your family because they do not even know that you are dead. They can hold on to the hope that you are still alive somewhere on good days or think that you have been murdered in barbaric ways suffering immensely on bad days.
Personally, I think it would be best for your family if you died peacefully in a place they would discover within a day or two, so they know instantly that you are no more, that they can say their goodbyes and that they have a grave (aka a place to remember you and mourn your loss) to move on.

 

[amnotreal]

I have a husband and two children. It is better for my children if I stay alive but when the mental health gets bad I wonder if it is better for them to be free of me. I live in an area where thereis a lot of backpacking places and there is illegal backpacking that isnt in places it is allowed but mamy acres of dence forest. my dog would probably be most harmed by it. i dont know how my kids would be but it could traumatise them so much. i dont want to hurt anyone else with my pain.

 

[noctiva]

This sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed with your mental health, it can be really tough sometimes. I will not tell you to reconsider for your children or to go through with your plans. It is your choice, only you can decide this based on your mental suffering. If you want to talk, please feel free to PM me, I'm always happy to listen to you.

To answer your question, I personally would use a peaceful method I can do at home/ in a hotel close by to make sure that my body is found within a short time (2 days max). You have children, the death of a parent is devastating and as such they need closure, they need to fully understand that you will not come home anymore. For that, it would be helpful if they are allowed to see your body and say goodbye, be part of a funeral and have a grave where they can go to remember you. It might be really hard for them to understand if you just never come home again.

 

[amnotreal]

that makes sense. the reason i never act on it is for my kids. when i get so depressed i can hardly move and cry all the time it seems better for them if i wasn't here. i cause everyone so much stress.

 

[noctiva]

I know, it's tough to have these waves of depression, I have them too. Some days, it's all okay, I feel like a normal human being who is able to connect and contribute. Other days, I barely know my name, can't stop crying and am just draining everyones energy around me. I feel very bad on these days and try to withdraw to not bother anyone. This can be really tough, especially if you have small kids that need you to function anyway, to be responsive. But I am quite sure that also on bad days, your children love you and care for you deeply. Is it possible for you to get some help and support to deal with your situation?
Whatever you decide to do, be gentle with yourself and treat yourself kindly. <3

 

[amnotreal]

I have good therapy and went to an out patient place for the depression and c-ptsd and stuff last year. i did get ketamine assisted therapy which helped so much and made me not suicidal at all for a while but it is very expensive and I can't get it right now. my therapist is trying to find it for me again.

 

[noctiva]

It is not easy, living with depression and ptsd, I'm sorry that you're suffering. But you are receiving treatment and you have found something that you are responding to, which sounds great. Your therapist seems to be very supportive as well. Please feel hugged and know that you are supported here, however you decide and that no one judges you. If you can, cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. <3

 

[amnotreal]

thank you. i guess i am just having an extra bad day. your very kind.

 

[fightingsioux]

Many years ago I knew a young girl whose mother hung herself in the basement. When the girl came home from school, she found her mother.

Don't do something like that.

 

[amnotreal]

yeah I for sure don't want my kids to find me. I worry even about a stranger finding me if it is in a hotel. this is something that has always stopped me. i for sure wont where my kids find me.

 

[Rising Phoenix]

Just as long as people don't find you bloodied then I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[amnotreal]

they would find my like i was sleeping probably. nothing violent.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I appreciate the fact that you are compassionate enough to care about who ends up finding you after you pass on. However, at the same time, only you get to decide if you want to continue living or not, regardless of what moral obligations you have at this time. Is your husband aware of your bad mental health?

 

[amnotreal]

my husband is somewhat aware. if he gets too aware he would want me to go to a psych ward and they make me much more suicidal. he is helping me get treatment. ketamine therapy helped me so much last spring and we are working so i can get that again. he has his own mental health issues and we have to be careful not to trigger each others stuff. he is very supportive but also overwhelmed.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Do you believe there is any hope of your condition getting better? If not, how would you choose to CTB?

 

[amnotreal]

for ctb I ponder combining opium with other things. not totally decided yet as i would grow flowers and do extraction and things myself so it wouldnt be for sometime. i think my symptoms can be manageable but not curable. I have chronic pain and the doctors don't know a cause. i have a new doctor trying new ways to treat it. i have some hope it is just if everything keeps happening. i keep having the mental health issues with flashbacks and if medications don't manage well i get very hopeless. I have DID and C-PTSD along with physical health issues and I have had 20 years of therapy and tried many medications and nothing ha shelped much besides the ketamine assisted therapy.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I am sorry to hear that you have been suffering for a very long time.

Anyway, I would not recommend opium. It's not listed in the Peaceful Pill Handbook, and since I have not researched it, I would not know if it's a peaceful way to pass away if you were to overdose with opium. I also don't know about the legality of acquiring opium poppy. If you're really looking to CTB, I would recommend sodium nitrite, instead.

 

[EndItQuickly]

Have you thought about doing it at a hotel? I'll be doing that, and taping a little note stating that I am deceased and to call the police to the little door locking latch thing. That way, the people who see me will be prepared and probably accustomed to the sight of dead bodies.

 

[amnotreal]

I have also been looking into sn. was pondering mixing. sn does seem easy to get.
EndItQuickly the note idea really eases my mind. I would worry that someone would see the note in time to call an ambulance but I would have no problem if it was the police who found me. I always worry it would be a maid in the hotel and that seems awful for the maid.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I have also been looking into sn. was pondering mixing. sn does seem easy to get.

What do you mean, "mixing"?

 

[amnotreal]

I was thinking of combing different things to try and make it be faster and more fatal and less painful. something like laudanum and sn and maybe foxgloves maybe whatever i can get from my psychiatrist to save up all combined. antiemetics.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I was thinking of combing different things to try and make it be faster and more fatal and less painful. something like laudanum and sn and maybe foxgloves maybe whatever i can get from my psychiatrist to save up all combined. antiemetics.

I would recommend against that. SN is a relatively peaceful way to CTB. Once you faint, you'll be gone within 4 hours, assuming that you don't vomit and nobody tries to save you. Mixing multiple elements might lead to undesirable results. Try to keep it simple if you really want to CTB.

 

[amnotreal]

well that sure makes it easier.

 

[Stan]

The most compassionate way I see you achieving minimal damage is doing it in a hotel. Do it in the bathroom with the door closed with a note stuck on the outside of it warning the housekeeping staff not to open the door, why and to say call the police etc.

 

[amnotreal]

Stan that really is the best I have ever heard and eases my mind a lot. thank you.

 

[Morphinekiss]

This is one of my biggest hindrances, maybe the biggest besides SI. I found my brother's body after he ctb, and it was a fairly "clean" scene but still the trauma and his dead face keep me up at night. I can't do that to my parents again. So I'm just biding my time until I can't anymore

 

[CrushedHopes]

OP, we are here to support you regardless of what your choice is. We are pro-choice, and you shan't be stigmatized in this compassionate environment.

 

[amnotreal]

it is nice to have a safe place to talk about it without people freaking out. friends and family get so upset when they know I am like this and then I hide it and it gets even worse.

 

[Stan]

@Stan that really is the best I have ever heard and eases my mind a lot. thank you.

You are welcome. Not sure where in the world you are but I am in the UK so for me the note is in English. If you live in a country where the housekeeping staff may speak predominantly another language, consider doing the note in the two languages as well as a big 'do not enter' sign that would be visual rather than written word. You have then covered all bases.