I woke up today wanting to die more than ever

[bluesleep]

I woke up at noon after a fight with my mother. I thought about my father and my only sister, who died a few years back (she hanged herself), and about how I don't have any friends and my financial future might be at jeopardy. I'm thinking of partial hanging now, but I can't do it sober. However since I've been getting drunk every day for about 4 months it's harder and harder to do it. Antidepressants didn't work at all for me. I just wish I could reach a state where SI wouldn't kick it but I don't know how yet.

Hell I've explicitly told my mother that I want to kill myself and she doesn't react, maybe she doesn't know what to do, but at least she won't be surprised when it happens. She won't be able to say she didn't see it coming.

I needed to vent. I'm so desperate. I just wish I knew of a sure, as painless as possible way out. I think I've suffered enough and I deserve to die.

EDIT: I feel less hunger everyday. I wish I could starve to death but I know that takes weeks, sadly. I don't want to do anything that keeps me alive.

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

EDIT: I feel less hunger everyday. I wish I could starve to death but I know that takes weeks, sadly. I don't want to do anything that keeps me alive.

I understand that feeling. I haven't been eating much this past week either. Hopefully we both find peace soon.

 

[Lara Francis]

I woke up at noon after a fight with my mother. I thought about my father and my only sister, who died a few years back (she hanged herself), and about how I don't have any friends and my financial future might be at jeopardy. I'm thinking of partial hanging now, but I can't do it sober. However since I've been getting drunk every day for about 4 months it's harder and harder to do it. Antidepressants didn't work at all for me. I just wish I could reach a state where SI wouldn't kick it but I don't know how yet.

Hell I've explicitly told my mother that I want to kill myself and she doesn't react, maybe she doesn't know what to do, but at least she won't be surprised when it happens. She won't be able to say she didn't see it coming.

I needed to vent. I'm so desperate. I just wish I knew of a sure, as painless as possible way out. I think I've suffered enough and I deserve to die.

EDIT: I feel less hunger everyday. I wish I could starve to death but I know that takes weeks, sadly. I don't want to do anything that keeps me alive.

I am so sorry for your pain x

 

[CornerE]

I got used to that feeling when I first wake up .
Now I can't even seem to get a good night sleep due to too much thinking and frustration.
There is no clear sure way that 100% leads to death unfortunately , all ways have a big possibility of a worse painful life at the end of it - specially if interrupted .

Maybe death well only come along if we fear/reject it .

If we - all of the sudden - loved life , it will come like : "time to leave , man . Sorry" .
Just like what happens to many around us who actually enjoy life .

 

[lastNamePicked]

IF you are determined to die and do not seek help, do not tell people around you (like your mother) so occasionally about it. she may act as if she simply ignores your intent but actually prepares some measure of prevention.
it can be very hard to keep your feelings in check but it is all the more important to do so right now. if you act impulsively, you only increase the chance of a failed attempt. calm down for now.