If you're talking about SI, I understand. I want to ctb because it means I'm not going to exist and I'll just be gone forever, but for some reason, even though that's the reason I want to ctb, that's also what scares me about death. Just the thought of nothingness and me not existing is scary even though I know there's no reason for me to be scared of it, since I can't regret it or anything since I won't exist. Me having SI doesn't make sense since I don't have much to live for but I still have SI for some reason. I understand how frustrating it is to think ctb is the perfect solution to everything but then SI ruins everything. I hope you don't have to be miserable anymore, whether it's by your life getting better or through ctb. I'm sorry you're going through this ):