lesserbohemian
Member
- Feb 14, 2020
- 21
Depression is in my bones. I don't believe in biological destiny, but it's hard not to. It's like those Greek myths where people trying to outrun fate the hardest slam right into it. I first remember self-harming at four years old; scratching open my skin until it bled on the playground. But my dad was punching through the doors, whipping me, screaming in the night. I was scratching the paint off the door first, watching them argue, so which came first? The chicken or the girl who wanted so badly not to be the chicken, she walked right into the slaughterhouse?
The rest of my childhood post-divorce was pretty boring, so I'll skim over that. We moved, my mother, my older brother and me. I tried to hang myself with my shoelaces at eight, because I read about it in the paper. At eleven I developed a severe form of a little known sleep disorder which disrupted my relationship to society. My mother dated a man who hit me and my younger brother. My dad got to hit me on the weekends. My mother ignored me, because I could no longer go to school. When I was fourteen, I finished most of my exams alone. I went crazier.
Since then I can summarise: more parental abuse, more neglect from my mother, two rapes and four serious sexual assaults. I have a degree and epilepsy now. I take meds that make me feel like a zombie every morning and every night. Sometimes I go off them and wake up on the floor half-dead with a mouth full of blood. Most of the time I take them, but that still happens occasionally anyway. I go to therapy and it does nothing. I still want it to be over. I have tried to hang myself so many times it isn't even funny anymore. I just want to rest.
The rest of my childhood post-divorce was pretty boring, so I'll skim over that. We moved, my mother, my older brother and me. I tried to hang myself with my shoelaces at eight, because I read about it in the paper. At eleven I developed a severe form of a little known sleep disorder which disrupted my relationship to society. My mother dated a man who hit me and my younger brother. My dad got to hit me on the weekends. My mother ignored me, because I could no longer go to school. When I was fourteen, I finished most of my exams alone. I went crazier.
Since then I can summarise: more parental abuse, more neglect from my mother, two rapes and four serious sexual assaults. I have a degree and epilepsy now. I take meds that make me feel like a zombie every morning and every night. Sometimes I go off them and wake up on the floor half-dead with a mouth full of blood. Most of the time I take them, but that still happens occasionally anyway. I go to therapy and it does nothing. I still want it to be over. I have tried to hang myself so many times it isn't even funny anymore. I just want to rest.
