Venting I want to CTB

[kittymeow:3]

Hello, I finally got my acc approved. I turned 18 about a week ago but I've been wanting to CTB for a while now. I'm quite nervous, I have a plan and date set. But I feel conflicted? (Sorry if this comes off as insensitive) I feel as if the main reason for me wanting to do this is childish. I struggle with bipolar disorder and I've made it quite difficult for my boyfriend and I to coexist, because of that we decided to take a break. I heavily depend on him, and I've isolated myself from everyone else who i used to hang out with. And it doesn't help that I switched to online school for my junior and senior year. I get very upset when he goes out without me or when he says he doesn't want to come over. He's made it very clear to me he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. He's asked me in public settings "why do you have to ruin everything" and he's relentlessly asked me to leave him alone forever; all while he tells me he loves me and does intimate things with me.. I'm so confused. I want to disappear, I don't want to burden anyone with my presence anymore. I want a reason to live, I want to be someone's first choice.

 

[SASU-KE]

You actually have a very strong reason.It's not childish. There are many people here who suffer from bipolar and it's hell for them. I feel for people with this particular issue. While I don't suffer from it myself. I have a decent idea of what you're going through.

Have you tried therapy?

Also, it's very obvious that your boyfriend is using you. The relationship is done.

It's not your fault. It's not a personality trait but a mental disorder that you have nothing to do with. It gets in the way of everything. Gets in the way of your relationships.It's just bad luck.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu

 

[kittymeow:3]

You actually have a very strong reason.It's not childish. There are many people here who suffer from bipolar and it's hell for them. I feel for people with this particular issue. While I don't suffer from it myself. I have a decent idea of what you're going through.

Have you tried therapy?

Also, it's very obvious that your boyfriend is using you. The relationship is done.

It's not your fault. It's not a personality trait but a mental disorder that you have nothing to do with. It gets in the way of everything. Gets in the way of your relationships.It's just bad luck.

I've thought about therapy, but I'm quite scared I'll be thrown into the loony bin. Though I have brought it up to my mother but I don't think she understands how severely I need it. I also don't think we have insurance or the funds to cover it.

 

[SASU-KE]

I've thought about therapy, but I'm quite scared I'll be thrown into the loony bin. Though I have brought it up to my mother but I don't think she understands how severely I need it. I also don't think we have insurance or the funds to cover it.

Same here. I just don't want to pay for things like that. That being said, I've heard of people recovering through therapy. So it can definitely help. Also, you won't be held anywhere against your will if you don't tell your therapist that you're actually planning to catch the bus. So yeah, its better to avoid that topic IRL.

 

[iwkmsssb]

your reasons are not childish at all. i've had similar issues with my now ex, i understand how hard it is to be dependent on your partner but by that point, you are only making yourself suffer more by staying. you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and not someone who makes you feel like this. but before that, working on yourself will be beneficial so the same issues don't happen again. and therapy may be a good help, schools often have counseling services so it's something worth looking into. wishing you the best