Story I want to be seen as a bad person

[LostZombie]

I am a bad person, and I have emotionally abused my friends, took advantage of others for my own gain, and have (not now obviously) been extremely homo/transphobic to others. I keep getting told that I was just in a bad place, or that it's not my fault; at what point will I be held accountable for my actions, everyone else excuses my actions even if I confess to doing truly diabolical things.

For example I knew a trans kid, and I emotionally manipulated him in to try to love me, even though he didn't like me back, and I even blackmailed him one time. I tried to get "favors" too, thankfully I was never able to get him to do any. I also have also been very self absorbed too, and just an overall dick, like I would not tip. I know I am a terrible person for just putting a 0$ tip, like I have no excuse that was just a terrible thing to do, nowadays I tip 30% to try and make up for it, but I was told it was okay, it's just 5$; yeah 5$ that someone depends on to make ends meat. I could afford it too, my I got handed a bone when my both my parents earned 6 figures, I just would not tip to see people's reactions. I would also bully gay kids, just for no other reason than they are different, I would scream at people if they even mentioned pronouns. My worst offense, I almost killed a drunk guy by splashing water on him to try and get him to "sober up", yeah no it caused him to almost freeze to death.

I take full responsibility for my actions, yet my family claims it's not my fault. They still see as a good person who was "just in a bad place". I hate that since if they would see how awful I was they would not care about me, then I would be able to CTB, and they would not care. However they still care about my "mental health" so, if I were to CTB they would be distraught all because I could never do anything wrong.

Tell me are these choices I have made excusable to you?

 

[tragicfanatic]

you aren't a good person. that's true and i agree. the things you did are awful and hurt many people.

you seem to understand that and admit it, which is a lot more than i can say for some people. this might not help, but if i was in your position, i would simply take it as a second chance to redeem yourself and make up for all the wrong you did. go ahead and be better from here on out. apologize to the people you hurt. try not to hurt more people in the future, and if you do, it should not be to the extent that you did in the past.

the choices you made are not excusable but how you act now determines who you are.

<3

 

[Rockman]

I think in this case it doesn't matter whether you're seen in a bad light or a good one. It's still about begging for attention.

I think a Buddhist approach might help you. Don't be seen at all, be alone mentally and see what happens.

 

[Metro]

What do you mean by "favours"?

 

[LostZombie]

What do you mean by "favours"?

sexual favors

 

[Forever Sleep]

I expect families see the best in us because, to see the reality may reflect poorly on them. I've done less deliberately hurtful things- although I'm by no means a saint but, I live like a slob. My environment is disgusting. My Dad will criticize his neighbours for letting their houses and gardens go. When I tell him I'm the same, he'll often make excuses for me.

Have you ever considered you may have sadistic tendencies? I'm not sure it's exactly a person's choice to enjoy certain questionable behaviours but obviously- if we know they're unkind/ cruel- we can try to reign it in. Do you make more effort now to stop certain behaviours?

Tipping is complicated. I don't always tip and sometimes, I'll not tip generously. I work really hard though. It's my choice but I fully suspect that- if my hours were tallied up- it's very likely I'd be earning less than them! It's pretty strange in a way- the culture of tipping. We're expected to tip drivers and restaraunt workers but, not shop assistants and nurses. They are all on the lower rungs of income. So, the culture itself and expectation is weird. But sure- to enjoy the uncomfortable/ disappointed reaction points to enjoying watching distress I suppose.

I suppose the question is- Why don't your family blame you? What do they suspect you have? If anything specific. Or, do they just see it as random reactions to a bad situation at the time?

To be on the receiving end of bullying, it's hard to sympathise with the bully. I suspect I was raised with a narcissist. It was because of them I developed ideation to begin with. It took years before it occured to me to research narcissism but, their traits were all there. Obviously, it's still not an official diagnosis but, it weirdly gave me so much validation.

From there- I suppose the mature thing would be to forgive them their (nasty, obnoxious) behaviour because it was in their nature to be like that. I struggle to do that though- if I'm honest.

In your case, you are aware of your past behaviour and tendancies. You can't change what's already happened- asides from apologise where possible. But, you can make decisions now. You can pause and check yourself before you do something questionable. In a way, from now on is the real test because- now you're aware of it all.

 

[lunar02102009]

I am a bad person, and I have emotionally abused my friends, took advantage of others for my own gain, and have (not now obviously) been extremely homo/transphobic to others. I keep getting told that I was just in a bad place, or that it's not my fault; at what point will I be held accountable for my actions, everyone else excuses my actions even if I confess to doing truly diabolical things.

For example I knew a trans kid, and I emotionally manipulated him in to try to love me, even though he didn't like me back, and I even blackmailed him one time. I tried to get "favors" too, thankfully I was never able to get him to do any. I also have also been very self absorbed too, and just an overall dick, like I would not tip. I know I am a terrible person for just putting a 0$ tip, like I have no excuse that was just a terrible thing to do, nowadays I tip 30% to try and make up for it, but I was told it was okay, it's just 5$; yeah 5$ that someone depends on to make ends meat. I could afford it too, my I got handed a bone when my both my parents earned 6 figures, I just would not tip to see people's reactions. I would also bully gay kids, just for no other reason than they are different, I would scream at people if they even mentioned pronouns. My worst offense, I almost killed a drunk guy by splashing water on him to try and get him to "sober up", yeah no it caused him to almost freeze to death.

I take full responsibility for my actions, yet my family claims it's not my fault. They still see as a good person who was "just in a bad place". I hate that since if they would see how awful I was they would not care about me, then I would be able to CTB, and they would not care. However they still care about my "mental health" so, if I were to CTB they would be distraught all because I could never do anything wrong.

Tell me are these choices I have made excusable to you?

All im gonna say is , you arent the only one i regret doing the same.

 

[Sadbanana]

Nobody is a good or a bad person. It's just a stupid label. What even made you care about it?

I know that it's the feeling of guilt, I guess I feel guilty about all the stupid things I did too. I'm autistic and after diagnosis I realized that nothing really did was my fault, even though many people hated me for it. For example my teacher hated me for my need to fidget with a pen, but I had no control over it so it wasn't my fault. And it wasn't even her fault that she reacted inappropriately. Her stupidity and lack of empathy was because of her conditioning, just like mine is because of my autism.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I am a bad person, and I have emotionally abused my friends, took advantage of others for my own gain, and have (not now obviously) been extremely homo/transphobic to others. I keep getting told that I was just in a bad place, or that it's not my fault; at what point will I be held accountable for my actions, everyone else excuses my actions even if I confess to doing truly diabolical things.

For example I knew a trans kid, and I emotionally manipulated him in to try to love me, even though he didn't like me back, and I even blackmailed him one time. I tried to get "favors" too, thankfully I was never able to get him to do any. I also have also been very self absorbed too, and just an overall dick, like I would not tip. I know I am a terrible person for just putting a 0$ tip, like I have no excuse that was just a terrible thing to do, nowadays I tip 30% to try and make up for it, but I was told it was okay, it's just 5$; yeah 5$ that someone depends on to make ends meat. I could afford it too, my I got handed a bone when my both my parents earned 6 figures, I just would not tip to see people's reactions. I would also bully gay kids, just for no other reason than they are different, I would scream at people if they even mentioned pronouns. My worst offense, I almost killed a drunk guy by splashing water on him to try and get him to "sober up", yeah no it caused him to almost freeze to death.

I take full responsibility for my actions, yet my family claims it's not my fault. They still see as a good person who was "just in a bad place". I hate that since if they would see how awful I was they would not care about me, then I would be able to CTB, and they would not care. However they still care about my "mental health" so, if I were to CTB they would be distraught all because I could never do anything wrong.

Tell me are these choices I have made excusable to you?

Nah, these are not excusable however I see that you have the description of trans girl chemist so if it makes you any happier, you will get treated the same way you did others from the day you come out until the day you die, in your case I think it's deserved and a fitting punishment but I digress. (since it's merely a coincidence, you can still make up in whatever wish you want)