Story I want to be seen as a bad person

[LostZombie]

I am a bad person, and I have emotionally abused my friends, took advantage of others for my own gain, and have (not now obviously) been extremely homo/transphobic to others. I keep getting told that I was just in a bad place, or that it's not my fault; at what point will I be held accountable for my actions, everyone else excuses my actions even if I confess to doing truly diabolical things.

For example I knew a trans kid, and I emotionally manipulated him in to try to love me, even though he didn't like me back, and I even blackmailed him one time. I tried to get "favors" too, thankfully I was never able to get him to do any. I also have also been very self absorbed too, and just an overall dick, like I would not tip. I know I am a terrible person for just putting a 0$ tip, like I have no excuse that was just a terrible thing to do, nowadays I tip 30% to try and make up for it, but I was told it was okay, it's just 5$; yeah 5$ that someone depends on to make ends meat. I could afford it too, my I got handed a bone when my both my parents earned 6 figures, I just would not tip to see people's reactions. I would also bully gay kids, just for no other reason than they are different, I would scream at people if they even mentioned pronouns. My worst offense, I almost killed a drunk guy by splashing water on him to try and get him to "sober up", yeah no it caused him to almost freeze to death.

I take full responsibility for my actions, yet my family claims it's not my fault. They still see as a good person who was "just in a bad place". I hate that since if they would see how awful I was they would not care about me, then I would be able to CTB, and they would not care. However they still care about my "mental health" so, if I were to CTB they would be distraught all because I could never do anything wrong.

Tell me are these choices I have made excusable to you?

 

[tragicfanatic]

you aren't a good person. that's true and i agree. the things you did are awful and hurt many people.

you seem to understand that and admit it, which is a lot more than i can say for some people. this might not help, but if i was in your position, i would simply take it as a second chance to redeem yourself and make up for all the wrong you did. go ahead and be better from here on out. apologize to the people you hurt. try not to hurt more people in the future, and if you do, it should not be to the extent that you did in the past.

the choices you made are not excusable but how you act now determines who you are.

<3

 

[Rockman]

I think in this case it doesn't matter whether you're seen in a bad light or a good one. It's still about begging for attention.

I think a Buddhist approach might help you. Don't be seen at all, be alone mentally and see what happens.