i want to be comforted but i don't really deserve it

[monetpompo]

i want to be loved by others
.
.
.​

i set up my noose after waking up in the middle of the night and stared at it from my bed. i already tried to hang myself in the afternoon but i was too afraid. i looked down at my phone sitting on top of my blanket. no one was awake and i never receive texts from anyone anymore, besides a kind friend i made here. in the morning, i don't think i'll feel any better. i might just wait for when the night comes again so i can hang myself again. the thought of that makes me feel pathetic. when i talk about suicide to people i always kind of want a coddling response, something that my mom would give me if she actually cared about me and didn't see me as a loser for being depressed. i want to eat a meal someone's made for me and be told that they don't see me as a burden.

i've been holed up in my room all day and haven't eaten. a part of me wishes that i was depressed because of some bigger, grander reason like a loss in my family or i got beaten in the street or whatever, but i just feel really lonely. and i can't get any better if i feel so lonely, because no one wants to have to comfort a lonely person over and over again. i just want to die to save people the trouble of caring about me, but i also want people to tell me not to die because they really do want me around. but it's been such a long time since i've felt wanted by anyone. since i've looked at anyone's face or received a text from someone and felt like they really did care about me and aren't tired of me.

i am in pain tonight, but my pain is anonymized and something that doesn't affect most people, since they don't know me well enough or at all. it's really hard for me to believe that people seriously, really, really mean it when they say that they would be sad if i ever died. because i don't think that my existence matters enough when i'm alive for people to care when i'm dead. when i'm dead, they can grieve but i won't be around to make them concerned anymore. i don't have anyone i can rely on right now and there's no one i can reach out to for comfort without embarrassing myself.

i can cry every night of this month but i don't think that it'll matter because there's no one that believes i'm going to get better. even if i'm gone, my slot as a person can be filled. i feel so inconsequential to other people's lives that it almost hurts to breathe. i don't know why i care so much. i don't know why i consider it so important to matter to people when i don't even matter to myself. if someone in my life cared about me, i would wonder why, since they must have other people in their life that aren't depressed and can talk to instead to me. i often feel like the worst person in people's lives at any given moment. i feel like a failure. i feel like a loser. and i feel incredibly embarrassed that i have such a strong desire to be in anyone's lives at all, because i'm ultimately someone that you replace.

i don't want to keep sitting with this feeling. i feel so guilty that i can't repress the way i feel and pretend i'm a normal person. i want to switch bodies with someone that desperately wants to live and have my soul be put into someone that's dying in a house fire or a car crash. i'm so afraid that every day is going to be the exact same as the next one. i'm worried that all i am is a melodramatic loser that needs to get a grip or no one is going to want to care about me in the first place. being suicidal doesn't make me deserving of being loved. i already know that i can't be loved by someone just because i'm suicidal. i'm not suicidal enough unless i'm already dead. you can love a dead person more than me. it'd be better if i was dead.

 

[Kari0499]

Me too

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Even if you feel like you don't deserve compassion, even though I am a random person on the internet, I want to tell you that I really wish you the relief from all the pain. I hear you are in so much despair you never deserve. No matter what is waiting at the end of your journey, I hope it brings you the peace you are looking for. Much love

EDIT: broken English fixed

 

[58Alice85]

Why wouldn't you deserve it? I doubt you really are such an awful person

 

[CandyCane]

I'd love to comfort you and I wouldn't think a thing about if you deserved it or not. You are valuable no matter what your head is telling you.

 

[amomentspeace]

i want to be loved by others

chiikawa !!


I think you got stuck on donward spiral of loneliness and isolation which I identify with. The lonelier you are, the harder it is to try to escape it and then you get even more lonely. You are not replaceable, no one is. When you lower your self worth making friends becomes even harder and the cycle will keep repeating itself. If you still have hope in your beautiful soul you could try the Make a friend megathread, not a great solution but it's a start, I hope to see you around !! much love from me

 

[kuj00]

I am really sorry you feel this way, loneliness is a terrible way to end up on and even more when you feel this way. I hope you can get through things fast and sooner than you expect. You are loved.

There are a lot of communities of friends to keep you company around places like discord, Have you tried any of those? Lmk!

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey, just so you know, we do care. or hell I do. I'd be very sad if one day I find out you've hanged yourself, that I can tell you, remember I'm here whenever if you wanna vent or just chat about whatever, glad you have at least some people too, they make a whole world of difference, for me also, try to remember that, rely on those u have <3

If you want some comfort, I think you are cool, i love the way you type, u are silly and kind in spite of your suffering, and you are not a burden despite what shitty people might try to make you believe or the shitty brain might say, you are a kind and sweet dude and soul that deserves and can get a lot more than your current.
loneliness, lack of freedom, abysmal shitty family, and loneliness again are more than big reasons to be depressed af, as you are, don't underestimate them. you are VERY suicidal mind you, considering it on a daily. neither of us would want that for anyone(welike) so be kind to yourself whenever you are able, which I know it can't be always, but take the chances that pop up for it, people might make that easier too..

I always like seeing you around, a lot. I don't know you, which sucks, geography sucks some times. But know I mean it. Know you play that part in this rando's girl life of just making her a lil happier when u post, even if its of your pains, which I'm sorry for, I'm just glad each time to see u here :3
I mean that when I say it. So yeah, I want to still see u around and that you'd feel any better :)
I don't think that's out the question, but you'd need people to support u, even if it feels guilty, I so get that, I just don't think your brain is telling you much truth most days. Which sucks terribly, I can't feel what you are feeling I can only empathize a lot, but you've suffered more than what you might think others have. Which is a Lot.
If you can believe that. You deserve love regardless of what your shitty brain has to say about it. I don't think its playing on your side usually...

so, I guess this is all to say I care about you. trust my words there. I mean them. and if that helps any bit, any bit is worth it. i'll be annoying each time. You'll be a lot better alive, for others too, and once you get out of this shitstorm you have to deal with each day in and out your head. You are worth that. take that truth for however long the flame lasts, and I or I know a lot of other ppl here will give you another each time u need it. we need and have eachother here.
u take it easy ok, for today at least if you can. The biggest hugs your way <3<3<3