Venting i want someone to notice

[nowizard]

ah this might be counterproductive, given the fact im halfway done with planning my way to go, though i cant help but look away from my screen and want someone to notice how deep im stuck in this hole. i want someone to see how many hours i spend on this site, reading through methods, researching, fact checking, how desperate i've become - and actually care. i know it won't happen, and if someone would notice i'd just end up in a ward. it's just silly wishful thinking of me wanting someone to care for once. i hope ill get rid of these thoughts soon, i'm worried they'll disrupt the process of properly ctb.. anyways yeah i just felt like sharing that, thank you for reading if you did :)

 

[monetpompo]

though i cant help but look away from my screen and want someone to notice how deep im stuck in this hole. i want someone to see how many hours i spend on this site, reading through methods, researching, fact checking, how desperate i've become - and actually care. i know it won't happen, and if someone would notice i'd just end up in a ward. it's just silly wishful thinking of me wanting someone to care for once.

i relate heavy, you're not alone. i stopped having anything to research since all i have is hanging, jumping, or drowning, so i just browse and read posts because i feel anxious. i can always compare myself to others and see myself as better off than other people because i'm not addicted to self harm or drugs yet, but i think the purpose of the site is to be able to universally relate and empathize with people that are also struggling.

i've told people irl about my thoughts before, mostly because i'm spiraling right now and want to be able to tell anyone even though it does me no good. the people i'm close to know the reasons why i'm suicidal and still want to believe in me, but i want to push myself away from them because i feel like i'm just going to keep giving them details on my suicide until they call the cops on me. i hate the ward and i don't feel like a human when i go there, but i get sent there with good intentions. it sucks that people think the only way they can help is by locking you up.