Venting I understand hatred now.

[cylus46]

As I dive further into this mental hell rabbit hole, the more I feel hatred...pure hatred for everyone and everything. Before I could never understand why people become bitter and hateful, why they would hurt people or take their anger out on the world. Now disclaimer I would NEVER hurt others. I grew up learning martial arts,boxing, and I'm a firefighter as well as a volunteer and dsp worker for special needs individuals. I could never see myself doing anyone but myself harm, all I wanted to do growing up is uplift people

Now as my mental health has deteriorated the less sad I feel and the more anger I feel. I feel angry at everyone, my mother, my friends, my siblings, my dad, my step dad, my ex. I feel so lonely....so looked over...so disrespected...so unheard...
All I wanted was someone to hug and hold me and tell me it's ok...tell me they'll be there for me with no strings attach...nothing in return...just like how I'm always there for others. But yet I suffer alone...I feel alone...I feel worthless...unwanted...unseen...unloved....
And once upon a time that made me sad but now...I'm sick of feeling sad and now I just feel angry...angry at everyone for really no reason...angry at myself for not having the balls to Ctb....sad that I'm even still alive.

But that anger just blows back on me. I take the anger I have for others and use it to hurt myself. I can never hurt others...I don't know why but it's just not who I am no matter how sad or hateful I become I always wanna lift someone else up that's not me. And once upon a time I didn't understand why people become hateful, and hurt others, and I still don't see how they could hurt others. I think that's a bitch move but I get that hatred and anger...I guess I can understand it needing a place to go but I can never justify it.

I'm so angry and full of hatred...and all I can find to outlet that pain is myself. Hopefully one day I'll be manly enough to end myself permanently.

 

[Pale_Rider]

When I was at the height of my suicidal I was always seething. It really did give me away, or at least get me noticed, I mean I went down for the count at one point.

 

[Csmith8827]

I think that's a bitch move

That right there is the realest shit I've read all day. The shit I'm dealing with right now...with like my mental health etc....IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG BITCH MOVE HONESTLY. LIKE THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP WHAT IT IS. IT'S A TOTAL BITCH MOVE. Like....some hoe shit forreal...no joke. And like honestly...some shit that happened in the past even looking back...like back then maybe it wasn't seen that way...BUT NOW? TOTAL AND COMPLETE BITCH MOVE TO TRY AND LIKE FUCK PEOPLE LATER DOWN THE ROAD. It's just Jealousy....but had to comment about this. Like...read your post...I understand Hatred Entirely....I hope I'll be manly enough to end myself at some point to. But to me it's not even about manliness...it's about being like smooth enough to where I can pull it off and I myself don't get harmed or hurt in the process. Like...If I can get out of this painlessly...I mean....I dunno...I'm not down with the whole trying to Use people and trash them. It's almost like when they threw Denji in the trashcan in Chainsaw man. Like fuck all of that. Nobody uses me and gets to throw me away. If you think that's what this is you've got another thing coming. But if I can get out of here like smoothly...I dunno...maybe...at the same time I want my 60years because that's honestly what I'm owed and what i deserve. Mad props on using the term BITCH MOVE THOUGH. THAT"S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SHIT IS THAT I'M GOING THROUGH. TOTAL AND COMPLETE BITCH MOVE.

I'm right there with you. I understand hatred as well...

 

[cylus46]

That right there is the realest shit I've read all day. The shit I'm dealing with right now...with like my mental health etc....IT'S ALL JUST ONE BIG BITCH MOVE HONESTLY. LIKE THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP WHAT IT IS. IT'S A TOTAL BITCH MOVE. Like....some hoe shit forreal...no joke. And like honestly...some shit that happened in the past even looking back...like back then maybe it wasn't seen that way...BUT NOW? TOTAL AND COMPLETE BITCH MOVE TO TRY AND LIKE FUCK PEOPLE LATER DOWN THE ROAD. It's just Jealousy....but had to comment about this. Like...read your post...I understand Hatred Entirely....I hope I'll be manly enough to end myself at some point to. But to me it's not even about manliness...it's about being like smooth enough to where I can pull it off and I myself don't get harmed or hurt in the process. Like...If I can get out of this painlessly...I mean....I dunno...I'm not down with the whole trying to Use people and trash them. It's almost like when they threw Denji in the trashcan in Chainsaw man. Like fuck all of that. Nobody uses me and gets to throw me away. If you think that's what this is you've got another thing coming. But if I can get out of here like smoothly...I dunno...maybe...at the same time I want my 60years because that's honestly what I'm owed and what i deserve. Mad props on using the term BITCH MOVE THOUGH. THAT"S EXACTLY WHAT THIS SHIT IS THAT I'M GOING THROUGH. TOTAL AND COMPLETE BITCH MOVE.

I'm right there with you. I understand hatred as well...

Fr i just cannot see how ppl take their hatred on innocent people like...do you not feel like a bitch for that? Hell I'd feel fucking embarrassed LMAO. Like trust me I'm fucking miserable, angry, sad, the whole 9 yards yet I'm not taking it out on people? Is it like a lack of emotional maturity? Intelligence? I always try to understand those people and I never can.

 

[Moroze]

There comes a point where depression turns into anger. When you're depressed, people say it's a pain to look at you, or it's just my subjective ass and my mother who said that to me. But when you're angry, you're automatically the bad guy. I'm not angry because I'm a bad guy, I'm angry because I'm depressed beyond my field of understanding. You're depressed? You're a loser. You're angry? You're the bad guy. You're too numb to show positive emotions? You're loveless. You try to open up? You trauma dump. Of course, this is just the impression I get from people that I used to be friends with long time ago. I'm lucky to have three friends that are there for me. I'm so sorry. Breaking and breaking is a sensation I experience as well. Every day I open my eyes from sleep, it feels like they're breaking.

 

[Wolf Girl]

My sadness turned to rage last year. This wasn't good for my reputation because I'm a cutesy woman. It really pissed other people off that I was getting mad over the things that had been done to me. I just wanna be angry in peace at this point.

 

[matchalavendercake]

same here, nowadays everything pisses me the fuck off so much but also makes me so fucking scared at the same time. i even have thoughts of wishing this universe perishes for good, because life in this universe is so fucking cruel and unfair. i'm just so utterly full of hate that it makes me even more desperate to ctb

 

[divinemistress36]

My sadness turned to rage last year. This wasn't good for my reputation because I'm a cutesy woman. It really pissed other people off that I was getting mad over the things that had been done to me. I just wanna be angry in peace at this point.

Ya women arent suppose to show anger its dumb. So I just have my temper tantrums in private