This is probably not even the best place to post but lest go, It was yesterday in the morning, i tried partial hanging, i wasan't sad or anything, i just wanted to know what it would be like, trying actually to end me, not that i havent done before but it felt kinda fake, like just justifying not doing nothing cause im sad or anything, so i actually took a rope.
It was in the bathroom i was there looking at it, thinking at everything, thinking i would ruin my moms life, make my boyfriend depressed and everything, i didnt care, i dont feel good saying this but whatever compassion or anything i should have felt in that moment, i just didn't, i felt apathetic , the only thing that made me kinda scared was the pain and the idea of not existing anymore, but then i thought if im not gonna be there in the other side, it doent make a difference, so i begun.
I was there for probably half hour, tried everything to pass out, and at some point i was very close but no, the pain/pressure was a lot, my arms reacheed for the rope to easy the pain, and i vomited some times, afther some time i just stoped.
The idea behind this was to know if i had this in me, this will of ending me,or if at some point something would happen a thought or anything that would change how i feel, i didn't.
Whats scares me is that i know i didn't finished cause of a will to live or because i didn't want to hurt anyone, it was simple because it hurted, at some point, i was forcing the rope with my hand to try pass out already, i was trying to achive it, if i had something that could end me instantly, i would end it.
Today i feel weird, like when you actually try to end it, things feel distant, and right now i dont know what to do, i have told my psychologist about this, and i may try a friend, and i know i need tell my boyfriend we will not work out, i cant love him like this.
In other posts ive talked about my internal conflict between him and another person im thinking about, the problem is my boyfrind is long didtance and im probably never gonna see him in real life, and this other person, is more idealization, is the hope that this person will fix me, make me happy, but no.
I dont know what to do, and i feel like i would try again, and i cant see myself getting into my 40, damn if nothing chances i dont even want to get into my 30's.
It was in the bathroom i was there looking at it, thinking at everything, thinking i would ruin my moms life, make my boyfriend depressed and everything, i didnt care, i dont feel good saying this but whatever compassion or anything i should have felt in that moment, i just didn't, i felt apathetic , the only thing that made me kinda scared was the pain and the idea of not existing anymore, but then i thought if im not gonna be there in the other side, it doent make a difference, so i begun.
I was there for probably half hour, tried everything to pass out, and at some point i was very close but no, the pain/pressure was a lot, my arms reacheed for the rope to easy the pain, and i vomited some times, afther some time i just stoped.
The idea behind this was to know if i had this in me, this will of ending me,or if at some point something would happen a thought or anything that would change how i feel, i didn't.
Whats scares me is that i know i didn't finished cause of a will to live or because i didn't want to hurt anyone, it was simple because it hurted, at some point, i was forcing the rope with my hand to try pass out already, i was trying to achive it, if i had something that could end me instantly, i would end it.
Today i feel weird, like when you actually try to end it, things feel distant, and right now i dont know what to do, i have told my psychologist about this, and i may try a friend, and i know i need tell my boyfriend we will not work out, i cant love him like this.
In other posts ive talked about my internal conflict between him and another person im thinking about, the problem is my boyfrind is long didtance and im probably never gonna see him in real life, and this other person, is more idealization, is the hope that this person will fix me, make me happy, but no.
I dont know what to do, and i feel like i would try again, and i cant see myself getting into my 40, damn if nothing chances i dont even want to get into my 30's.
