Venting I think part of me isn't letting me get better

[iw2begone]

I've caught myself a few times looking for problems in an otherwise normal day for me to loop back to despair/depression. For example sometimes, from a logical lense, I know someone cares for me and wouldn't wish me harm, and yet I'm always analysing their every action in my head and looking for ones that are bad. I also know this is a habit I've picked up from how I grew up, but despite recognising that and sometimes recognising the pattern, I still allow it to make me feel sad and unloved.

Sometimes I'll be having a normal day and my mind will think, isn't there something you should be sad about? And then I go back to thinking about everything that makes me sad until I can't move anymore and waste another day away.

I've tried most coping mechanisms, methods, ways of thinking, to try and break out of this cycle. I've tried finding some things in the future to look forward to (incredibly hard and few and far between) but not only is it challenging, it just doesn't work. I don't care enough. I find it incredibly hard to want to really do anything. I can kind of stall these feelings a bit if I focus on a game or work or something, but they just come right back. They're always there.

I have lots of reasons to be sad, but ultimately, the thing keeping me there is I see no reason not to stay there. I don't care for money, kids, property, or any materialistic things. I never asked to be here, and I don't really want to stay, yet I can't find the strength to go yet either. I want to learn how to live, because there must be something to it all, but I just can't work it out, nothing clicks. And because nothing clicks, I end up back where I started.

I try and find hobbies, and yeah there's a few things I like, yet the ultimate meaninglessness of it all sinks back in once the distraction that it is ends. Is that all life is? Jumping from distraction to distraction to minimise the thoughts of wanting to die?

I hate my body so much. I've tried to fix it, but I still hate it, and as I age there only appears to be more issues that will arrive, as some already have. I hate how I'm perceived, I hate how my brain works, I hate that I keep getting stuck here. I hate that I keep coming back to this site. I hate that I have methods in mind and that they make me feel somehow more secure. I hate how I've isolated myself. I hate how I treat other people. I hate our world and the rich people in it. I hate people in general, well, most of them anyway.

 

[iw2begone]

I feel like the universe interferes with my life sometimes. There's like coincidences that happen that seem to line up almost too perfectly, both good and bad. It feels like it's trying to look out for me, in a way. Yet if that's true how do I keep ending up here?

I made a decision about something I was going to do the other day, and my partner was incredibly against it. It's like echoes of my past relationship. I want to do something and this person's words are like poison to my ecosystem, or the ecosystem I want to create, and yet I drink it anyway.

 

[iw2begone]

The "not letting myself get better" happened again today, was doing fine, but I just kept over analysing conversation until I broke down in bed again, unable to do anything else. Feels like my mind is on the edge sometimes, and choosing to jump off and freefall.

 

[thealleycat]

The "not letting myself get better" happened again today, was doing fine, but I just kept over analysing conversation until I broke down in bed again, unable to do anything else. Feels like my mind is on the edge sometimes, and choosing to jump off and freefall.

I definitely understand what you mean. In my own experience, I find that I often choose to make myself sad or upset because it's all I've known. There's comfort in knowing that the sadness can't disappoint you, it'll always be there. There's also the feeling that if I do some day get better, does it make all my trauma invalid?

It's a terrible loop to be stuck in and I am still currently in it. I've been trying, like you said, to cope with distractions and hobbies, but it's hard when your brain won't shut up.

I recommend reminding yourself of the times you haven't felt that way. Tell yourself that it's self destructive and that you know you are capable of not feeling this way. Sometimes you just have to gaslight yourself into believing things for it to come true yk?

 

[iw2begone]

I definitely understand what you mean. In my own experience, I find that I often choose to make myself sad or upset because it's all I've known. There's comfort in knowing that the sadness can't disappoint you, it'll always be there. There's also the feeling that if I do some day get better, does it make all my trauma invalid?

It's a terrible loop to be stuck in and I am still currently in it. I've been trying, like you said, to cope with distractions and hobbies, but it's hard when your brain won't shut up.

I recommend reminding yourself of the times you haven't felt that way. Tell yourself that it's self destructive and that you know you are capable of not feeling this way. Sometimes you just have to gaslight yourself into believing things for it to come true yk?

Thank you for your input. It sucks that you have to suffer through the same thing, I sympathise and hope you can get out of it. Your trauma is most definitely not invalid regardless of your current state of being. You're allowed to get better.

Yeah I'm aware there's been times I've been fairly happy or okay, there's been other times that I've been able to keep myself distracted. I often don't get the thoughts as bad on short holidays for example because I'm just letting the distraction take over then when I get back I'm immediately back to those thoughts. They still happen on holidays sometimes though. Recently I was able to distract myself with a video game for a few weeks, until I finished/burned through it and I'm back to my default state.

I know it's self destructive, and when it happens round my partner I start feeling like a wreck/burden even though they will insist I am not. I try to let myself just feel and ride through it, like my therapist suggested in the past. It just doesn't really work.

I had another horrible loop as well as this until recently as well where I kept crushing on this person even though I was in a relationship. I didn't want to be crushing on them, and I knew the feelings were painful and self destructive. I didn't want to act on them and so I never did. The only thing that eventually broke me out of that painful cycle was seeing the person I crush on doing things that made me feel disgust (like how they treated other people, and eventually, me). It took several of those events and then an argument for me to finally move on from that person. The feelings were excruciatingly painful until I moved on.

Unfortunately I don't know how to apply how I moved on from that loop to the one I've been in for even longer, if there is a way. The only approach I have in my current toolkit is to try and distract myself until a solution presents itself, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. If my partner leaves me at some point there will be no one left who would significantly care about my departure.

 

[iw2begone]

The world's in on it too to be honest. I've been getting intense eye headaches or tension headaches (possibly?) the last couple days that seems to be associated to screen time and eye strain. One of my few coping mechanisms rendered harder and maybe over time impossible to use. I was already annoyed enough by RSI that would crop up if I play some of the games I enjoy most (which I play a lot less as a result).

If I actually lose the ability to use a computer consistently I have no other outlet. That's it.

 

[iw2begone]

I broke down last night over people I cut out of my life. They were still bad people, and not good for me in the slightest, with a fundamental incompatibility between us both that prevented anything positive. Yet I miss them, and the pain is intense. I know they're gone but I still miss them and want them back, yet logic stops me from doing that because I know it's futile.

If logic can stop me doing the action, why can it not stop me doing the thought as well? How fucking inefficient is my body that I can't connect the two? I hate this biological shell of limitations and failure, that actively fights itself for some reason. I am not the enemy, so why is there infighting in my own body? I should be working together, harmoniously, and yet I keep ending up back here.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Learning how to live life is impossible if you're not rich and powerful. Because otherwise life is spending everyday just surviving and scraping by. Slaving away to the people that don't have to. Worrying about everything they don't have to.

That's not life.

 

[iw2begone]

Learning how to live life is impossible if you're not rich and powerful. Because otherwise life is spending everyday just surviving and scraping by. Slaving away to the people that don't have to. Worrying about everything they don't have to.

That's not life.

They have the ability to cease suffering and actively choose not to. In fact there's multiple studies that prove some acts will not only benefit the population but make them even more money (e.g. housing homeless people) and yet they ignore and refute fact to purposely and intentionally create more suffering. They are evil, evil people and I refuse to listen to anyone who worships them.

 

[Average Joe]

I wish I had something insightful or helpful to say but I don't.
I feel for you so much.

 

[iw2begone]

I logged off this site and didn't touch it for just over a week. I tried various things. Every small thing my partner does makes me crumble back to square one. He shouts and I crumble. His tone goes off and I crumble. I had a breakdown and I ended up comforting him. He saw that I made myself bleed, acted shocked and then left anyway. Then he has the nerve to ask if I'm okay, from the safety of his own home.

I said to myself that this guy will be the last. It either works or I die trying, there is no other out because I don't think I can continue this. There's nothing for me here, really. Everything hurts so much. What people do to other people, what people do to me, what I have done in the past to others. Our isolating society. My past haunts me, my present scars me for later, and my future is full of sticks and stones.

They added more suicide prevention words/phones to the bridge near me. Thing is, I wouldn't have thought the bridge was even high enough to kill yourself from if it wasn't plastered with those messages. I guess it is, and should all the peaceful options fail in the future, I guess it's also a definite way out. It's just high traffic so I must not hesitate if I do.

I don't understand why people fear death so much and want to control others from seeking it. Death is vibrant and enticing, fueled by bright pink and green, and yet all people ever seem to see is grey.

 

[iw2begone]

I suppose if I am to succeed I need to not rely on anyone else to feel better. It needs to somehow come from me, and I need to some how manifest a will to live that doesn't depend on anyone or anything else. If it's purely down to me though then I don't really care to do that.

That said, it really sucks that I do rely on people for attention. When they don't respond to me for most of the day I feel a need to withdraw and stop talking so much, because of the fear of feeling rejected and disliked. I think this happens a lot with my partner, even though I know they love me, if I don't hold their attention I feel lost or hurt.

I've felt happier and more at peace the past couple of days, but I can feel myself slipping sometimes because of it. I'm working on reframing my thoughts and feelings, but it would be so much easier to just let go.

 

[sximii]

Wow it's honestly a relief to see that someone else feels the same way. It's like I've gotten so used to feeling this way my instinct is too scared to change. I've always found this feeling really hard to describe and now suddenly there's a person who feels just like me

 

[iw2begone]

I suppose if I am to succeed I need to not rely on anyone else to feel better. It needs to somehow come from me, and I need to some how manifest a will to live that doesn't depend on anyone or anything else. If it's purely down to me though then I don't really care to do that.

That said, it really sucks that I do rely on people for attention. When they don't respond to me for most of the day I feel a need to withdraw and stop talking so much, because of the fear of feeling rejected and disliked. I think this happens a lot with my partner, even though I know they love me, if I don't hold their attention I feel lost or hurt.

I've felt happier and more at peace the past couple of days, but I can feel myself slipping sometimes because of it. I'm working on reframing my thoughts and feelings, but it would be so much easier to just let go.

nevermind, they don't love me

 

[iw2begone]

I got incredibly drunk and had something not entirely unlike a seizure. I was convulsing for ages, unable to control my body or focus my mind. I was incredibly scared and confused, and the person who got me drunk fed me some kind of drugs when I was in that state and I don't know what they were. She then left me alone. If I didn't snap out of it long enough to text them in their process of going home they wouldn't have come back.

She squeezed my tits incredibly hard, I still feel that. I believe I remember consenting and maybe helped start it in my drunken state. I don't normally drink, so some of the people I know think it was sexual assault. There was like some kind of sex and stuff I think. She has a boyfriend too. I'm mainly mad that she left me when I thought I was dying. I think I could have died. I wouldn't entirely not want to die, I wouldn't have been very mad if I did, but I think if someone is to be a friend they would stay there right? Apparently she felt guilty or something?

It's distracted me from my own break up but I'm not sure in hindsight I wanted that to happen. Why couldn't she just have stayed and been there for me? Why did she try to push me to do cocaine as well?

 

[iw2begone]

In a person's eyes are so many things, so many emotions. Ultimately all the feelings there are animalistic and driven by innate desire. It's why pretty people get more privilege. Like eyes are for studying, assessing. Predicting what will happen, and what you're going to do, daring you to do something.

Eyes are used for checking if something was okay, for being defensive, they convey so much emotion in tiny glints or flexes. They're used for joking. You can tell if someone is crazy if their eyes don't work right, because they convey so much information you can easily tell when that isn't there.

Most people have a good heart, their eyes are for play, interaction, life. There's nothing inherently offensive about someone's eyes, they just are. Behind everyone's eyes are just a thought process hoping it gets by, studying how to process the next thing.

 

[qwert3948]

I've caught myself a few times looking for problems in an otherwise normal day for me to loop back to despair/depression. For example sometimes, from a logical lense, I know someone cares for me and wouldn't wish me harm, and yet I'm always analysing their every action in my head and looking for ones that are bad. I also know this is a habit I've picked up from how I grew up, but despite recognising that and sometimes recognising the pattern, I still allow it to make me feel sad and unloved.

Sometimes I'll be having a normal day and my mind will think, isn't there something you should be sad about? And then I go back to thinking about everything that makes me sad until I can't move anymore and waste another day away.

I've tried most coping mechanisms, methods, ways of thinking, to try and break out of this cycle. I've tried finding some things in the future to look forward to (incredibly hard and few and far between) but not only is it challenging, it just doesn't work. I don't care enough. I find it incredibly hard to want to really do anything. I can kind of stall these feelings a bit if I focus on a game or work or something, but they just come right back. They're always there.

I have lots of reasons to be sad, but ultimately, the thing keeping me there is I see no reason not to stay there. I don't care for money, kids, property, or any materialistic things. I never asked to be here, and I don't really want to stay, yet I can't find the strength to go yet either. I want to learn how to live, because there must be something to it all, but I just can't work it out, nothing clicks. And because nothing clicks, I end up back where I started.

I try and find hobbies, and yeah there's a few things I like, yet the ultimate meaninglessness of it all sinks back in once the distraction that it is ends. Is that all life is? Jumping from distraction to distraction to minimise the thoughts of wanting to die?

I hate my body so much. I've tried to fix it, but I still hate it, and as I age there only appears to be more issues that will arrive, as some already have. I hate how I'm perceived, I hate how my brain works, I hate that I keep getting stuck here. I hate that I keep coming back to this site. I hate that I have methods in mind and that they make me feel somehow more secure. I hate how I've isolated myself. I hate how I treat other people. I hate our world and the rich people in it. I hate people in general, well, most of them anyway.

i feel like part of me can't honestly believe in healing, and it's because the thought of failing even after i genuinely try haunts me.

 

[iw2begone]

i feel like part of me can't honestly believe in healing, and it's because the thought of failing even after i genuinely try haunts me.

I'm starting to think that even if I can, it doesn't matter in the end anyway. Caring about legacy and how far you make it is purely a thing of ego. I'm not sure I'm willing to see some arbitrary length of time to the end. I don't know why so many people have pushed me to try.

 

[Average Joe]

I got incredibly drunk and had something not entirely unlike a seizure. I was convulsing for ages, unable to control my body or focus my mind. I was incredibly scared and confused, and the person who got me drunk fed me some kind of drugs when I was in that state and I don't know what they were. She then left me alone. If I didn't snap out of it long enough to text them in their process of going home they wouldn't have come back.

She squeezed my tits incredibly hard, I still feel that. I believe I remember consenting and maybe helped start it in my drunken state. I don't normally drink, so some of the people I know think it was sexual assault. There was like some kind of sex and stuff I think. She has a boyfriend too. I'm mainly mad that she left me when I thought I was dying. I think I could have died. I wouldn't entirely not want to die, I wouldn't have been very mad if I did, but I think if someone is to be a friend they would stay there right? Apparently she felt guilty or something?

It's distracted me from my own break up but I'm not sure in hindsight I wanted that to happen. Why couldn't she just have stayed and been there for me? Why did she try to push me to do cocaine as well?

That sounds like a seizure, i think there's different types. i know my brother has those convulsing ones. I would echo what others have told you and say it was s.a, consenting and alcohol is a grey area. You've every right to be mad about it, I'm glad she felt guilt for it.

Hindsight can be a bitch, I hope you didn't touch the coke.
Sending hugs <3

 

[iw2begone]

That sounds like a seizure, i think there's different types. i know my brother has those convulsing ones. I would echo what others have told you and say it was s.a, consenting and alcohol is a grey area. You've every right to be mad about it, I'm glad she felt guilt for it.

Hindsight can be a bitch, I hope you didn't touch the coke.
Sending hugs <3

I didn't touch the coke. She's now blocked me on everything and I've lost another friend. She was asking why I made people hate her but I did no such thing. I only told them the events of what happened and I tried to put her in a positive light. I don't know what I did wrong. They aren't even her friends that were the ones hating her, I didn't tell them anything, I only told one of my friends and that was too far apparently.

She's also a hypocrite in that even though I didn't share anything private of hers she shared a private text conversation of mine. Just fucking ugh. She just fucking fucked me, left me to die, and then blocked me on everything. Used and done.

It's made me realise how futile everything is, how fickle people are. Everything is temporary so why am I persisting? I don't have anything, and in the past few weeks, anyone, to persist for. I'm kind of just done. There's nothing here.

 

[Average Joe]

I didn't touch the coke. She's now blocked me on everything and I've lost another friend. She was asking why I made people hate her but I did no such thing. I only told them the events of what happened and I tried to put her in a positive light. I don't know what I did wrong. They aren't even her friends that were the ones hating her, I didn't tell them anything, I only told one of my friends and that was too far apparently.

She's also a hypocrite in that even though I didn't share anything private of hers she shared a private text conversation of mine. Just fucking ugh. She just fucking fucked me, left me to die, and then blocked me on everything. Used and done.

It's made me realise how futile everything is, how fickle people are. Everything is temporary so why am I persisting? I don't have anything, and in the past few weeks, anyone, to persist for. I'm kind of just done. There's nothing here.

From an outside perspective, because i dont know you and I can't pretend to understand how tough things are for you but in an outside perspective it seems as though you haven't lost a friend, but rather you've found out that she wasn't a friend and more of an obstacle. All you can do is speak the truth, if people don't like that then that's on them. But the fact you even tried to put her in a positive light shows that you cared.

That's a difficult part of life, getting fucked over by people you thought were your friends.

I'll stop interfering in your vent thread but I hope you find something to live for

 

[iw2begone]

From an outside perspective, because i dont know you and I can't pretend to understand how tough things are for you but in an outside perspective it seems as though you haven't lost a friend, but rather you've found out that she wasn't a friend and more of an obstacle. All you can do is speak the truth, if people don't like that then that's on them. But the fact you even tried to put her in a positive light shows that you cared.

That's a difficult part of life, getting fucked over by people you thought were your friends.

I'll stop interfering in your vent thread but I hope you find something to live for

I don't like to think she was an obstacle though. That just doesn't sound pleasant. A lot of humans are nice and don't intend harm, and they have reasons for the things that they do. If you reframe the situation from her perspective, she went down to help a friend and got too drunk for her own good. She probably got a bit scared, confused, and guilty. She didn't know how to cope.

Then when in this state someone called her out for her behaviour. She probably felt both guilty and upset, and lashed out. Tried to work out why. She never intended to do anything bad, and so it must be other people who are wrong right? I can definitely see how someone might fall into that trap, especially when self reflection is hard. You never want to be the bad person, nobody does. You're always the hero of your own story.

I genuinely hope she's okay and finds peace with whatever it is she's struggling through. I guess I won't be a part of that, and that does hurt.

 

[iw2begone]

My gut instinct is normally right, I always seem to prove it time and time again to myself. People are strange, but predictable. You can say what you're thinking and suddenly boundaries break and walls fall down. This works with complete strangers, their face can change instantly with a few words.

I sometimes see these boundaries as a button. It's like when you have a new dialogue option appear in a game, sometimes you have to press it because it's interesting rather than something you actually want. I think I do that sometimes with intimacy, I see the prompt appear, and I follow it, even if it's not really what I want. I don't even know what's happened to my sexuality, it used to feel so simple, and now it's this puzzle piece that never quite fits.

It just feels kind of hollow I guess. I don't know what I'm doing here. They say keep going, life says keep going, be careful, find purpose, meaning, anything. Just keep going. For what though? Like genuinely.

 

[iw2begone]

People suck as usual. Being used to fulfil what someone else wants, regardless of how I feel. Everyone seems pretty selfish, if they aren't imposing things they want me to do they're trying to tell me how I should think and how I should live. Being hypocritical about it too. One of the biggest advocates for me staying alive I suspect has killed themselves the other day. They kept telling me that if I went I would be selfish and letting them down. Lol. Lmao even.

I've calmed down enough to think through things rationally. I genuinely have nothing I look forward to, no hobbies, absolutely nothing. I don't see any perceivable way out of this. I've tried so much and don't seem to be getting anywhere. I've tried therapy, helplines, etc. I don't connect with people that see life in such a simplistic way. A lot of people seem to be suicidal for what seem like fixable reasons like living situation, money, boredom, or doing something they don't like. There's a huge difference between doing something I don't like and having nothing I really like a whole lot.

I've looked into getting an antiemetic since that seems harder to get than getting a nitrite substance. I should be able to get one by lying about it. If this method fails I will likely lean towards jumping off a bridge when extremely drunk or jumping in front of a train sober (I don't want to because of bystanders but when I'm kept away from all painless ways to die...).

I've done a lot of research. Besides a nitrite w/ an antiemetic a train seems the most painless while still being very effective.

I'm not in a rush to do so, but I've done most of the research I need to do. I'm not going to go out my way to do it just yet, there's still things to try.