pomie
♡
- Sep 14, 2025
- 4
Last week during online classes (here in germany, I am doing an apprenticeship consisting of fulltime work and school), we used a non-login anonymous site where you had to write notes. The teacher said to add your name to them manually. Someone used my name to write very NSFW and disgusting things. I feel so unsafe as one of the only 2 women in the class. I was already terrified of men and their intentions before, but i proceeded to give this class the benefit of the doubt because i didnt want paranoia to dictate my life.
Yeah, well, disaster still happened. And it was our first real lesson too. The thought of someone already having set me as their sexual target makes me want to throw up.
I was talking to a social worker from the school, and i told her how ive been harrassed and touched before as well. Ive never told anyone before this, and i think speaking it out loud opened the floodgates to supressed memories, because all day long im reminded of everything that happened and how i will never be seen as a person.
My mom once said she regrets having children. I think something cosmic is trying to punish me for existing by giving me increasingly worse situations.
Today i had another meeting with someone at work to talk about it, and the lady drove me home afterwards because as is, i cant concentrate on work. Before that, i messaged my mom telling her i want to die and that im carrying a lot of pain and bad memories and that things happened to me.
I knew it turned bad the second she mentioned she felt bad too.
She always does this.
Anytime i want to vent, and that one time i even took her to therapy (dont go anymore because my therapist got was specialized in autism and shes not working anymore) she made it all about herself. woe is me.
when i came home, she was CRYING, YELLING at me, telling me i should consider how SHE is feeling. She kept saying horrible things. She made it all about herself again, guilt tripping me, telling me i lost my one chance at living (i already quit one job before, and shes convinced i will lose my apprenticeship for causing a scene so early on) and that she is going to die soon from overworking (nobody died due to having a telephone job, bruh.) and a lot more stuff and threats of throwing me out. She already threw my brother out years ago. This woman will not help you, and then throw you out and cry online about how her kids are everything to her and that they should have talked to her. Well, i tried talking, and look where that got me. Worse off than before.
I already wanted to not exist so i couldnt be seen or harrassed anymore, but the fact that i tried to tell my own mother, only to get yelled at and told im making it all about myself, and that its never about her, just broke me. I just want everything to end, at this point not experiencing anything at all in life anymore is better than to live the rest of my life with these memories and to know nobody gives a shit. They just all want me to keep working. I wish there was a way to kill myself quickly, without the chances of leaving me badly injured but hanging onto life. Im already autistic, i dont need to be physically disabled on top of that.
Yeah, well, disaster still happened. And it was our first real lesson too. The thought of someone already having set me as their sexual target makes me want to throw up.
I was talking to a social worker from the school, and i told her how ive been harrassed and touched before as well. Ive never told anyone before this, and i think speaking it out loud opened the floodgates to supressed memories, because all day long im reminded of everything that happened and how i will never be seen as a person.
My mom once said she regrets having children. I think something cosmic is trying to punish me for existing by giving me increasingly worse situations.
Today i had another meeting with someone at work to talk about it, and the lady drove me home afterwards because as is, i cant concentrate on work. Before that, i messaged my mom telling her i want to die and that im carrying a lot of pain and bad memories and that things happened to me.
I knew it turned bad the second she mentioned she felt bad too.
She always does this.
Anytime i want to vent, and that one time i even took her to therapy (dont go anymore because my therapist got was specialized in autism and shes not working anymore) she made it all about herself. woe is me.
when i came home, she was CRYING, YELLING at me, telling me i should consider how SHE is feeling. She kept saying horrible things. She made it all about herself again, guilt tripping me, telling me i lost my one chance at living (i already quit one job before, and shes convinced i will lose my apprenticeship for causing a scene so early on) and that she is going to die soon from overworking (nobody died due to having a telephone job, bruh.) and a lot more stuff and threats of throwing me out. She already threw my brother out years ago. This woman will not help you, and then throw you out and cry online about how her kids are everything to her and that they should have talked to her. Well, i tried talking, and look where that got me. Worse off than before.
I already wanted to not exist so i couldnt be seen or harrassed anymore, but the fact that i tried to tell my own mother, only to get yelled at and told im making it all about myself, and that its never about her, just broke me. I just want everything to end, at this point not experiencing anything at all in life anymore is better than to live the rest of my life with these memories and to know nobody gives a shit. They just all want me to keep working. I wish there was a way to kill myself quickly, without the chances of leaving me badly injured but hanging onto life. Im already autistic, i dont need to be physically disabled on top of that.
