I think masocism has killed any chance of me getting a girlfriend

[Cauliflour]

Alright I've never dated anyone before and probably never will. I know it's a bit of a conclusion to jump to but god damn it, I'm 18 I should've had at least my first kiss by now.

So why don't I just start doing dates? (apart from the fact it seems all the hot girls are taken :( )

Because when you get that close to someone, it's harder to hide self harming tendencies. It's made me so god damn paranoid that the thought of a girl asking to sleep with my freaks me out because how the fuck would I explain all my scars? I'm not clean at all, I can't just say "oh they're old don't worry about it". No, they're gonna ask why, and then get freaked out when they find out I do this for fun. The only people who wouldn't mind are either just as insane as I am, or probably really toxic and would use my liking of pain to cross many boundaries. I hope I can find the former but let's be honest, that's never gonna happen.

I suppose I could lie but then I would have to keep up that lie and I'm a bit of a shit liar so yeah, not gonna happen.

Does make me wonder though, quite a few people here self harm, I've seen the posts. How do all you people go about dating when you have very obvious scars? Do you just smother on concealer and hope for the best? I don't want to have to hide them because I love these scars but if so then how would one prevent said concealer getting onto sheets, clothes, other skin etc? Please help me, this thought is really not helping my self esteem. I don't want to end up in therapy because of a lecture in a make out session.

 

[moribundwhispers]

i know there's laser treatment that can remove scars and there are collagen creams that reduce scarring.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Become a goth/emo. I've noticed people react wildly (and badly) if they see my emo scars when im dressed like a normal person, but kinda just have a ''yeah, i dont know what i expected'' one when i look like im about to go play in an MCR cover band.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I've have a bunch of scars on the inside of my arm from where I used to cut. Eventually they got very pale. I used to be very self conscious of them, but Eventually realized nobody else can see them they are so light. They look like neon signs to me though.

 

[Namelesa]

I would say it isn't impossible tho still hard to find someone who can at least accept you or maybe be like you and enjoy these things while not bypassing boundaries. I personally been in a relationship where cutting was involved in sex sometimes and no one bypassed boundaries from someone's masochism so this kind of thing in a healthy way is possible. Personally I wouldn't want to stop self harm or cutting for a partner so someone who doesn't accept these parts of me isn't worth dating and hiding scars for any time you spent with them sounds tiring so I would say find someone who at least accepts your scars.

 

[Manic Panic]

I've always been with people who also share addictions of some sort or who have a understanding of my mental illnesses.
It is possible to find someone when you have sh scars , I have them all over and I've been with plenty of people.

A lot of people don't look for what's outside they care more for what's inside.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm covered in scars and only one guy has ever mentioned it and he was an idiot. If they treat you weird for it, they're not compatible with you honestly.

 

[Don’tWakeMe]

Aight, so ima give you some blatant unsolicited advice. Get on FetLife, and use it to find local events. Don't bother with private messaging or any of that. Just use it like Eventbrite. Go to some events, meet some people, do your best to expect nothing. You'll find people with similar interests and experiences.

 

[lysergamide]

I mean my girlfriend has sh scars and told me the context and idgaf. I'm just concerned about her wellbeing but then again i'm here so i feel it's even worse. It's not because you're eighteen that you're never going to get one, people are always in a hurry to brand themselves as a lost cause like hey dude your lifespan's averaging 80 years old ish, you just started living... I think you're wildly underestimating people's ability to show empathy, they won't define you by your scars but by what you have to bring to the person you aim for.
Also you don't have to be honest, if that reason makes it uncomfortable for you to spell it out, say "yeah i have scars but it's a delicate story and i'm not ready to share it yet" and leave it at that.

 

[Cauliflour]

Damn there's some great advice here. I feel a bit like an idiot now as I feel like I'm the only one without this grand wisdom.

Become a goth/emo. I've noticed people react wildly (and badly) if they see my emo scars when im dressed like a normal person, but kinda just have a ''yeah, i dont know what i expected'' one when i look like im about to go play in an MCR cover band.

I'm already kinda emo with the swoopy hair so maybe that's enough to trigger the emo sensors.

 

[sweetcreep]

Damn there's some great advice here. I feel a bit like an idiot now as I feel like I'm the only one without this grand wisdom.

I'm already kinda emo with the swoopy hair so maybe that's enough to trigger the emo sensors.

you're 18, wisdom comes with age and time haha. i didn't kiss anyone until i was 20, you're doing okay. and yeah, most people won't mind the scars. if they care about you at all, they'll be understanding. best of luck

 

[Sweet Tart]

18 is still young, you have lots of time. I was that age when I had my first kiss. It was meaningless, but I was so relieved it finally happened. I was considered very pretty but was quiet & "weird", so people have always found me unapproachable. In my experience, self-confidence (or lack thereof) is a much bigger factor in finding relationships than looks.

Being pretty hasn't led to me having many relationships at all & I'm middle aged now. I wish I could have stopped focusing on what I saw as my deficits & just let myself be available to how others might see me. You can definitely find relationships if you can find ways to get out of your head about it. I'm saying this based on my direct experience, not out of any judgment or criticism of you. I'm still working on the negative internal voice in middle age, lol

 

[R. A.]

Aight, so ima give you some blatant unsolicited advice. Get on FetLife, and use it to find local events. Don't bother with private messaging or any of that. Just use it like Eventbrite. Go to some events, meet some people, do your best to expect nothing. You'll find people with similar interests and experiences.

I was going to basically say this. People are into this shit. It's probably for more strictly erotic reasons than life-cope type reasons but honestly, in a not-at-all kink shaming way, I think a good proportion of kink stuff is done because of fucked up personal histories.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Your response to questions is going to rely heavily on whether or not you're actively self-harming. If you're 'over it' and can frame it as a phase it can make you seem dark and mysterious yet stable enough that you take your mental heath seriously enough to have stopped. If you're active, it's a red flag for many. Most people recognize what SH scars are. Thinking you can lie your way through it during intimacy is a losing proposition.

You are right to want to be careful that your boundaries aren't stepped on. There's a vast difference between fantasy and reality.

Emo/goth cover-up:

 

[Cauliflour]

If you're active, it's a red flag for many. Most people recognize what SH scars are. Thinking you can lie your way through it during intimacy is a losing proposition.

Yeah that's why I made this post in the first place. The mesh top idea is cool though.

 

[9137890]

I am also a masochist and like pain but things like cutting and burning I am just doing in my fantasy. I reality I just use strokes and strangulation because this hurts also a lot and will vanish with time. Have thought about using methods which don't make evidence on the body?

 

[Cauliflour]

I am also a masochist and like pain but things like cutting and burning I am just doing in my fantasy. I reality I just use strokes and strangulation because this hurts also a lot and will vanish with time. Have thought about using methods which don't make evidence on the body?

I like how it leaves evidence though. I intentionally place my scars in a way that'll look aesthetically pleasing (spacing, density, area etc) so strangulation seems a bit counter productive and also I'm very paranoid about strangling myself because I did that to kill myself a couple months ago and I lost the woman in my head :(

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Damn there's some great advice here. I feel a bit like an idiot now as I feel like I'm the only one without this grand wisdom.

I'm already kinda emo with the swoopy hair so maybe that's enough to trigger the emo sensors.

One of us, One of us !
You can find that kind of jacket '''''''''''easily'''''''''''' if you wear at most a 42R, or very easily if you're proper smoll lol.