I believe it is almost time for me to go.
Things have recently been accumulating to my current circumstances, and I feel it's the universe pushing me to the end.
I grew up poor and have never made it out from poverty. I live paycheck to paycheck. And now my car is totaled due to an accident with a semi. The amount I'm getting for my totaled vehicle won't even cover the loan I have for it with the bank. I have poor credit and no gap insurance. So I won't be able to get to work in a couple of weeks once the rental car reimbursement is over. Thus no money for no new car nor loan pay off. I have no money for a lawyer to even help in this situation.
Last year was my last year to try. I was fired from a job and decided to go after my dream and got certified in a bunch of fitness related fields. I found a dream job to help the elderly remain mobile and live happier lives. And I finally felt stable and finally, for the first time, felt hope. But now that is all going away.
I had courage to move away from my abusive ex and found courage to ask for help and for a place to stay. I was helped. And now, all of that will go away too. I can't afford to live there if I don't get paid. And I don't want to be a bother to someone who has been so gracious and kind to me. I don't want to put more stress on them with this situation. They have already been so amazing to me.
My job is an hour away drive. So I can't just take another way of transport there. And all the jobs related near me pay so little in comparison that it wouldn't benefit to even do them. I didn't realize getting a better education would put me in a field where I would actually make less money doing something I was genuinely passionate about. I fail even when I try to succeed and better my situation.
I was just born bad, I think. I was born to fail. I was born to never get ahead or improve my circumstances. I was born with constant bad luck that has followed me all my life. This is the final straw. I can't keep going anymore. It's really not worth it.
People say to never give up hope and it will get better. I'm almost 40. It doesn't get better. It will always be one rug pull away from being destitute. Not being able to afford a way to live. To afford the things people say to get, like a therapist or drugs to help something wrong mentally. Not being able to improve life even when you try. Life is against most of us, I believe. I don't want to live in hardship anymore.
I'm unsure how I'm gonna do it. I'm currently in the state of mind of acceptance and trying to quiet the fear of any pain before the end or what happens after. Maybe eternity will be worse? Hopefully it will just be nothing. I can't afford to do much; I might just have to get creative in my way of CTB.
Even though life isn't for me, I still wish everyone who reads this less pain and I do wish nothing but the best for all of you. I hope things do get better for you. I hope life gets brighter and easier and filled with more success and satisfaction. My hope is only for all of you. I'm done placing that on myself.
Things have recently been accumulating to my current circumstances, and I feel it's the universe pushing me to the end.
I grew up poor and have never made it out from poverty. I live paycheck to paycheck. And now my car is totaled due to an accident with a semi. The amount I'm getting for my totaled vehicle won't even cover the loan I have for it with the bank. I have poor credit and no gap insurance. So I won't be able to get to work in a couple of weeks once the rental car reimbursement is over. Thus no money for no new car nor loan pay off. I have no money for a lawyer to even help in this situation.
Last year was my last year to try. I was fired from a job and decided to go after my dream and got certified in a bunch of fitness related fields. I found a dream job to help the elderly remain mobile and live happier lives. And I finally felt stable and finally, for the first time, felt hope. But now that is all going away.
I had courage to move away from my abusive ex and found courage to ask for help and for a place to stay. I was helped. And now, all of that will go away too. I can't afford to live there if I don't get paid. And I don't want to be a bother to someone who has been so gracious and kind to me. I don't want to put more stress on them with this situation. They have already been so amazing to me.
My job is an hour away drive. So I can't just take another way of transport there. And all the jobs related near me pay so little in comparison that it wouldn't benefit to even do them. I didn't realize getting a better education would put me in a field where I would actually make less money doing something I was genuinely passionate about. I fail even when I try to succeed and better my situation.
I was just born bad, I think. I was born to fail. I was born to never get ahead or improve my circumstances. I was born with constant bad luck that has followed me all my life. This is the final straw. I can't keep going anymore. It's really not worth it.
People say to never give up hope and it will get better. I'm almost 40. It doesn't get better. It will always be one rug pull away from being destitute. Not being able to afford a way to live. To afford the things people say to get, like a therapist or drugs to help something wrong mentally. Not being able to improve life even when you try. Life is against most of us, I believe. I don't want to live in hardship anymore.
I'm unsure how I'm gonna do it. I'm currently in the state of mind of acceptance and trying to quiet the fear of any pain before the end or what happens after. Maybe eternity will be worse? Hopefully it will just be nothing. I can't afford to do much; I might just have to get creative in my way of CTB.
Even though life isn't for me, I still wish everyone who reads this less pain and I do wish nothing but the best for all of you. I hope things do get better for you. I hope life gets brighter and easier and filled with more success and satisfaction. My hope is only for all of you. I'm done placing that on myself.
