locketofroses
Member
- Feb 22, 2025
- 18
Back in 2023 I knew a girl who kept calling me codependent and at the time I took a lot of insult to that. She left and that sent me on a suicide mission. She was my will to live, quite frankly I don't think I've ever had one alone. She was right. No matter how much I thought I could change after she left, I can't. I will always be hopping from one person to the next, latching onto them hoping they can save me, and nobody can.
Eventually I met a guy who made me happy again after spending as much time as I possibly could searching for somebody to give me what she once had. I was beyond happy. I couldn't stop smiling every time he texted me. I was spending every second of every day glued to my phone just to keep talking to him longer. Then he got a bit more distant. It wasn't a big deal at first. He switched jobs and it wasn't exactly the craziest thing on earth that he was busier after that. He's not just busy though. Not anymore.
It's been a long time since then. At first he was still texting me every day or two, just a bit less quickly. Then every few days. Then it was more like once a week, sometimes a bit more.
He hasn't said a single word to me since the start of this month now.
The only explanations I can think of are he's either dead or he fucking hates me, and the latter seems a whole lot more likely (not that I'd be any less depressed about the first, but you get my point).
I don't have anything else. Nothing else that matters, anyway. I stayed alive because I met him. I was supposed to be dead 3 years ago, and I stayed because of him the same way I stayed for that girl in 2021 and the same way before that I stayed for a different guy and so on. It never ends. I'm sick and tired of being like this and of these people leaving without ANY explanation.
ESPECIALLY since I told this guy what happened with that girl and he swore up and down he would never randomly leave me and if he wanted out we would have a real conversation about it where he would tell me WHY. Yet now he's gone with zero explanation and I want to kill myself. I honestly think he remembered how badly I reacted with her and thought just disappearing would be better, but it's not. Because now I'm fucking googling him to make sure he's not dead, and crying at 7am when I should be asleep. I only went to bed two hours ago, but I woke up, started crying, every time I close my eyes I just think about how easy it would be to end all of this right now.
It's not fair. I warned him, and I didn't even do anything wrong this time. After last time I have been BEYOND careful what I tell him. I haven't said a word to him about how much I rely on him because I knew it would freak him out and be way too much pressure. At least last time it was my fault, this time it isn't, and I have no clue why he left. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I love him so fucking much and he hates me. I don't get it. I really REALLY don't get it. I've tried to convince myself that's not true but there's no denying it. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. If he did he would have talks to me at some point in the last 20 days.
And IF he does come back he's gonna be all "I'm so sorry, I was so busy" No. That's not good enough of an excuse. Nobody doesn't contact somebody they supposedly care about for OVER TWENTY DAYS because they're "busy" unless they're in the military and don't have their phone. Even guys at war write letters home. But wanting a text more than once every new moon is too much to ask for?
Worst part is if he shows up again I know I'll forgive him. I'll be all stupid and happy again. Then I'll feel like this in a few weeks when he disappears again. It goes on forever, I don't want to do this anymore.
I've been doing this my whole life, as long as I can remember. I'm tired. I hate it. The people I'm dragging into it hate it. I just want it to all be over. To never have to worry about this stuff again. And as long as I'm alive, that can never happen.
Eventually I met a guy who made me happy again after spending as much time as I possibly could searching for somebody to give me what she once had. I was beyond happy. I couldn't stop smiling every time he texted me. I was spending every second of every day glued to my phone just to keep talking to him longer. Then he got a bit more distant. It wasn't a big deal at first. He switched jobs and it wasn't exactly the craziest thing on earth that he was busier after that. He's not just busy though. Not anymore.
It's been a long time since then. At first he was still texting me every day or two, just a bit less quickly. Then every few days. Then it was more like once a week, sometimes a bit more.
He hasn't said a single word to me since the start of this month now.
The only explanations I can think of are he's either dead or he fucking hates me, and the latter seems a whole lot more likely (not that I'd be any less depressed about the first, but you get my point).
I don't have anything else. Nothing else that matters, anyway. I stayed alive because I met him. I was supposed to be dead 3 years ago, and I stayed because of him the same way I stayed for that girl in 2021 and the same way before that I stayed for a different guy and so on. It never ends. I'm sick and tired of being like this and of these people leaving without ANY explanation.
ESPECIALLY since I told this guy what happened with that girl and he swore up and down he would never randomly leave me and if he wanted out we would have a real conversation about it where he would tell me WHY. Yet now he's gone with zero explanation and I want to kill myself. I honestly think he remembered how badly I reacted with her and thought just disappearing would be better, but it's not. Because now I'm fucking googling him to make sure he's not dead, and crying at 7am when I should be asleep. I only went to bed two hours ago, but I woke up, started crying, every time I close my eyes I just think about how easy it would be to end all of this right now.
It's not fair. I warned him, and I didn't even do anything wrong this time. After last time I have been BEYOND careful what I tell him. I haven't said a word to him about how much I rely on him because I knew it would freak him out and be way too much pressure. At least last time it was my fault, this time it isn't, and I have no clue why he left. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I love him so fucking much and he hates me. I don't get it. I really REALLY don't get it. I've tried to convince myself that's not true but there's no denying it. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. If he did he would have talks to me at some point in the last 20 days.
And IF he does come back he's gonna be all "I'm so sorry, I was so busy" No. That's not good enough of an excuse. Nobody doesn't contact somebody they supposedly care about for OVER TWENTY DAYS because they're "busy" unless they're in the military and don't have their phone. Even guys at war write letters home. But wanting a text more than once every new moon is too much to ask for?
Worst part is if he shows up again I know I'll forgive him. I'll be all stupid and happy again. Then I'll feel like this in a few weeks when he disappears again. It goes on forever, I don't want to do this anymore.
I've been doing this my whole life, as long as I can remember. I'm tired. I hate it. The people I'm dragging into it hate it. I just want it to all be over. To never have to worry about this stuff again. And as long as I'm alive, that can never happen.
