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F

finalis in pectore

New Member
Apr 1, 2019
1
Long time lurker, first time poster. Suicidal ideation since I was a kid, before I even fully grasped the concepts of death and dying. 22+ years since my first thoughts. Ever since, it's always been in my plans, at least as an ever-present "panic button" that served as a soothing reminder that I had the control to escape when necessary.

Everything came to a head over the winter months, when I found this forum and put some real research and planning into effect. Figured "night night" would be an innocuous enough process to override any lingering SI. Worked on carotid locations tirelessly, trial and error with materials, ultimately constructed my ratchet modeled after a poster who (allegedly) completed.

First tried last month. Ready. Good timing, succinct note, paperwork for anatomical donation for education and research. But as I cranked, I was looking in the mirror and I couldn't complete. Partly out of fear of failure, truly. But also surely some SI. Kept trudging. Back at it a few weeks later. Same approach, no dice.

I'm beyond fucked now so I thought today would be it for SURE. This time I laid down on the floor, no mirror bullshit. My head tilted back so I was looking at the bathroom window. Lost my nerve as it started to fade out of sight so I pulled the ratchet release. Again.

Why the fuck. Can't I. Do this. It's the only thing I've ever believed in my life, that I could do it. Can I not? Ever? I surely won't stop trying but I'm really fucked up over this and feeling more lost and trapped than I ever have before.
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,121
Give yourself all the time you need.
 
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Kikoo Loool

Kikoo Loool

Enlightened
Feb 25, 2019
1,128
You may not be ready or not be really sure of your decision. That's why you should just take time and talk here to make your ideas clears. Welcome amongst us!
 
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SinisterKid

SinisterKid

Visionary
Jun 1, 2019
2,113
I had never heard of SI until I came here and even now I am not convinced of its authenticity. But I guess it does appear to affect a lot of people. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, which may not be apparent right now.

I can only say to you, keep researching until you maybe find another method. I am looking at various ways and slowly narrowing down the options because as not a robot points out, time is something we have plenty of.
 
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