Venting I really hate having to make effort to live.

[Hi_I_am_Dead_Weight]

I wrote the text below during a day of "mental pain wave", halfway I started using it more as a distraction from the ache than a vent, so that's why it is childish, very long and boring.

I don't want to work, I don't want to make effort, I don't want to do anything I don't wanna do. And
no amount of therapy will change that because the truth is that nobody wants to do these things,
but people still do them because they are sensible human beings that don't expect the world
to bend to their will and they are willing to fight for their passions like ego, platonic, romantic and sexual
relationships, hobbies, hopes and dreams, or even greed and consumerism. But I don't have any
ambitions, there really isn't anything I would endure discomfort for, I always think "dying would be
so much easier", whenever I try doing an activity like drawing, piano, skating, friendships, sometimes
even videogames, I end up thinking "I wish I didn't have to do these to begin with" since most hobbies
require you to have the minimal discipline of doing them even when it's not fun so you keep
the habit and, achievements never brought me much joy, so even when I make progress it just
makes me feel empty right after.

For most of my childhood I thought that if I always behaved, if I was always obedient and if my grades
were always good I would never have to suffer again, that my life would be much easier than whatever
the other option was since those things were always easy for me back then. Then, the time came
where I had to make effort in order to progress, effort I didn't like to make. Child me felt so betrayed,
"I did everything they wanted, there is still more?" I unconsciously thought. Needless to say, I failed to
apply myself, from that point on and during all of my high school years, I relied only my "talent" and
conformed mediocre grades.

Three years ago I secretly dropped out of my online degree course after the first semester, I hated studying,
I couldn't do it, every time I opened the site and looked at the tens of hours of content I had to slowly
process and organize in my head made me want to to die. I tried to study, I really tried, then one day I really didn't
want to try, then another day passed, then another, then another, then the anxiety started eating me from the
inside, I didn't want to tell my mother that I couldn't study because she obviously would ask me why, and then
I would have to say "because I hate it", then she would be furious and I didn't want that, so, I remained
silent. For two years I pretended everything was going well until she inevitably found out and started to,
understandably, freak out. And now, here I am. There's an important exam coming in November that I need
to "pass" in order to get into a public university. I promised myself I would start studying for real on May first, I didn't.

Lately I realized that I never really knew what life was, I didn't really understand that life is a struggle and
that not struggling is impossible and refusing to struggle and suffer leads to situations like mine. I never
learned to like life, to value this effortful existence enough to be willing to fight for it. I wish I was never born
in the first place, I didn't ask for this responsibility. I just really want this to end.

I don't want to keep disappointing my family anymore, yet, even if I asked for help the only thing they
would be able to do is tell me to try to get back onto the (not literal) running track tell me to suck it up
and start grinding, every time I hear their hypothetical voices in my head telling me this I become more
tired and certain that I really want to just go on and hang myself, as it is the only method I have.

I Hate existing now, I hate that no matter what I do it will never get easier and I am too weak to
handle any hardship, I look at my mother and I can see her dying a little bit everyday when she comes
back from work exhausted, I do everything I can to help her and make her feel better. I love her very much
but I can't see myself doing what she does every day, I really don't want to have to do what she has
to do every single fucking day.

Half a month ago she took me to schedule an appointment with a psychologist, I doubt the doctor will
be able to accomplish anything, getting better it is up only to me after all.

Thank you for reading.

 

[miq2k]

I'm not sure what to say other than that I relate. Speaking, engaging, being alive, it takes so much energy, so much effort. And what for.. it doesn't pay back. This was really nice to read, I like how you write and tell the story. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry for not being able to say much more.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

"I don't want to do anything I don't wanna do" could be the recap of my entire life. Yeah, I relate.

 

[lemonandcapers]

I can imagine how much confusion and hurt you must have felt when you transitioned from not having to put effort into studying to fully needing to. It sounds as if life is aimless and bleak right now. I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through all of this, and I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[Namelesa]

Yea I hate this too so much. I hate how I was forced here and have to now put up with all this pain for others and to not suffer as much. I hated how I was forced to go through school which was very traumatic for me and now forced by family to recover and live and not be able to die when I deal with so many mental issues. Your feelings are totally valid and non of us should of had to be in this world full of so much work. I don't know how most people deal with the amount of work they do and think this is normal.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

It's less about wanting to do things and more to do with the reason to do things. We do things because there is a reward. To me, much of what there is in the world to enjoy does not do it for me. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer, and wish for things beyond reality, but that's how it is for me.

The few things I do enjoy are crucial to letting me cling to life. The good news is, some of them are basically endless, so unless these dopamine sources get cut from my life, I probably won't CTB.

Still, the emptiness is palpable, and oh so close to me, that I fear it actually engulfing me into a darkness that I won't be able to escape without some kind of sacrifice.

 

[korin]

Yeah, similar for me. I'm living life for no reason. All I'm doing is make things harder for everyone else. Always messing up at everything I do. I tried, a lot I did try. But nothing's changing. And now I have an important exam coming up which I know I will fail. Once again bringing more struggle to my parents because I basically wasted thousands of dollars to study for a test I won't pass. Sure, I can do it next year. Sure I'm young. Sure there's a lot to do in life. But why should I? Just so people around me doesn't feel bad? And why is it terms so damned negatively, literally nothing will change. I guess the only thing will is my family, the pain that they will receive instead. And really the biggest reason I didn't do anything yet. I don't want my death to bring pain, but there's nothing I can do about that.