Venting i need it to get worse

[breadbaker1025]

im surely depressed, im definitely suicidal, traumatized, but i don't feel like i'm fully awake to ctb. i want it to get worse, and i don't know how to let the thoughts in. i have an eating disorder, restrictive, which i'm trying to slowly pass by, but i dont think ill ever make it that far. it prevents me from being able to ctb because im not at a good enough weight to do so yet and it's like the feelings of wanting to increase with every pound lost. i wish i could just end the suffering, instead of feeling like i have to keep living because i deserve how painful it is.