Help I need advice with dating

[whatishope]

This was initially written with the intention of looking for advice but it turned into a bit of a rant so now it's both.

Hello everyone. I have a pretty major issue I am facing in my recovery journey: dating.

I don't want to go into my full life-story here, but the TL;DR version is that I didn't date when I was younger. I had a 4 month "relationship" (if it can be called that) when I was 23 and that was about the only serious thing I've had in my whole life. I turned 30 last month, I'm a guy.

For the past few years, I've tried my hardest to get out there and date and it went pretty terrible. A few months ago I met a girl, and I thought things were going to be great but ... it was all ... boring. Unexciting. It didn't last long. I come to the realization that my worst fear has come true: I am too late. I don't have opportunities for exploration and excitement anymore, it's all, boring. People are mature and live stable lives. I don't find this attractive. I know it is healthy and I want to get to that point eventually, but I feel like the doors to start my journey are closed. Everyone I meet is settled down and wants to keep things that way. I don't feel like I have anything to settle down from. I find this problem completely unsolvable. I feel like I will be forced to CBT eventually due to remaining alone and left behind by everyone.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and got better? Is there even a way to solve this? I've spend 10+ hours looking for books and articles about this topic. I have found nothing. All people say is the bullshit positive encouragement that "there is someone out there for you", "it's never too late", which is nice, but it does nothing to address any of the core problems, of which there are many. In the news and on youtube, everyone talks about a growing crisis but there is no solution offered. None besides, "get out and date". Which I am doing. But, let me list a couple:

1. I don't have years of experience being in a relationship, I am not used to being with someone long term.
2. I don't know how to comunicate in an intimate relationship.
3. I don't know what I enjoy doing as a couple and what not.
4. i don't know how to respond to a partner's emotional needs.
etc.

These reasons guarantee that any relationship I get into fall apart, and it falls apart really quickly since any partner I manage to find has a lot more experience and a lot higher expectations. I always get asked questions, to which I don't know the answer due to a lack of experience. This always leads to the girl I'm dating deciding that I don't know what I want (which is true) and she better looks for someone who does. How is someone supposed to solve this? Cause to me, the answer is you're not. You can't. You're fucked.

Any advice is appreciated.

 

[monolog]

Please someone give me suicidal chick so we could ctb togetherr

 

[SissySteph]

It's kind of standard advice but have you considered joining groups or clubs for hobbies you like? For instance if you like hiking join the local hiking club. Or a gaming club? Or whatever. The 30s ate an interesting age as many have settled down. But not all. And huge numbers become available in their 40s as their marriages end. I have personal experience of this!

 

[TBONTB]

This was initially written with the intention of looking for advice but it turned into a bit of a rant so now it's both.

Hello everyone. I have a pretty major issue I am facing in my recovery journey: dating.

I don't want to go into my full life-story here, but the TL;DR version is that I didn't date when I was younger. I had a 4 month "relationship" (if it can be called that) when I was 23 and that was about the only serious thing I've had in my whole life. I turned 30 last month, I'm a guy.

For the past few years, I've tried my hardest to get out there and date and it went pretty terrible. A few months ago I met a girl, and I thought things were going to be great but ... it was all ... boring. Unexciting. It didn't last long. I come to the realization that my worst fear has come true: I am too late. I don't have opportunities for exploration and excitement anymore, it's all, boring. People are mature and live stable lives. I don't find this attractive. I know it is healthy and I want to get to that point eventually, but I feel like the doors to start my journey are closed. Everyone I meet is settled down and wants to keep things that way. I don't feel like I have anything to settle down from. I find this problem completely unsolvable. I feel like I will be forced to CBT eventually due to remaining alone and left behind by everyone.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and got better? Is there even a way to solve this? I've spend 10+ hours looking for books and articles about this topic. I have found nothing. All people say is the bullshit positive encouragement that "there is someone out there for you", "it's never too late", which is nice, but it does nothing to address any of the core problems, of which there are many. In the news and on youtube, everyone talks about a growing crisis but there is no solution offered. None besides, "get out and date". Which I am doing. But, let me list a couple:

1. I don't have years of experience being in a relationship, I am not used to being with someone long term.
2. I don't know how to comunicate in an intimate relationship.
3. I don't know what I enjoy doing as a couple and what not.
4. i don't know how to respond to a partner's emotional needs.
etc.

These reasons guarantee that any relationship I get into fall apart, and it falls apart really quickly since any partner I manage to find has a lot more experience and a lot higher expectations. I always get asked questions, to which I don't know the answer due to a lack of experience. This always leads to the girl I'm dating deciding that I don't know what I want (which is true) and she better looks for someone who does. How is someone supposed to solve this? Cause to me, the answer is you're not. You can't. You're fucked.

Any advice is appreciated.

Honestly, these are amazing questions. The fact that you are asking them means to me that you have the capacity for an intimate relationship. These are different than "how do I meet somebody questions" they are "how do I have a healthy relationship questions"

Oh, and now I tell you the answer. Dang, you are right, that is hard. One idea I have is thinking about a relationship you have that you think is solid...coworkers, siblings, a buddy..and just think about how you do those things in other relationships.

Another idea is to turn them into questions for the other person. "How do you like to communicate in a relationship?" Then you can learn as you go along.

Or...put a specific up here if you want free, bad therapy. Give an example and ask for input, you will get a ton of it!

I just don't think you are doomed at 30. It actually seems like the age where people are gaining the maturity to ask the questions you have here.

Hope this isn't too rah-rah. Wishing you the best.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I'm old than you, never had a relationship, never even got started.

I'd happily settle for something boring TBH. As long as the other person is loving and at least has an interesting personality or interests other than consuming goods and mainstream media content.

I don't really have any advice for you due to zero experience but I would have thought that compatibility, loyalty and love were more important than excitement

 

[whatishope]

It's kind of standard advice but have you considered joining groups or clubs for hobbies you like? For instance if you like hiking join the local hiking club. Or a gaming club? Or whatever. The 30s ate an interesting age as many have settled down. But not all. And huge numbers become available in their 40s as their marriages end. I have personal experience of this!

Why would someone out of a divorce date a person that's inexperienced? To me that seems like an even bigger gap then I have now.

Honestly, these are amazing questions. The fact that you are asking them means to me that you have the capacity for an intimate relationship. These are different than "how do I meet somebody questions" they are "how do I have a healthy relationship questions"

Oh, and now I tell you the answer. Dang, you are right, that is hard. One idea I have is thinking about a relationship you have that you think is solid...coworkers, siblings, a buddy..and just think about how you do those things in other relationships.

Another idea is to turn them into questions for the other person. "How do you like to communicate in a relationship?" Then you can learn as you go along.

Or...put a specific up here if you want free, bad therapy. Give an example and ask for input, you will get a ton of it!

I just don't think you are doomed at 30. It actually seems like the age where people are gaining the maturity to ask the questions you have here.

Hope this isn't too rah-rah. Wishing you the best.

Ha, it's not rah rah at all. It's really helpful. I appreciate your honesty about things being very difficult. That's already more then I got from 7 years of therapy and god knows how many people giving advice.

A follow up question. You say that 30 is the age that people are gaining the maturity to ask these questions. What use is asking the questions if I have no way of answering them?

I can put a really good parallel with my professional life here. I work in my profession for almost 10 years now. I know what I like, what I don't like, how I like to work, how I am productive, and where I want to take it. It took me a lot of trial and error to figure it out. Because of this, any professional decision is really straightforward for me. I know what I want to get out of it and I always move towards it.

That's how I imagine other people are with other areas (like dating) of their lives. They ask the questions, okay, and they think a bit and then they have the experience to answer them. I don't have the experience to answer them. To me, maturity here is a not a good thing, it only makes the situation worse.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

If you are not ready to "settle down" then what exactly are you looking for in a relationship?

 

[whatishope]

If you are not ready to "settle down" then what exactly are you looking for in a relationship?

Just being in a relationship I guess?