NSFW i miss my rapist

[supersigmagoregirl]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

 

[peacebenow]

it is not bad as you feel how you feel. however, he harmed and violeted you. he is not a kind man. you are in major trauma now and trying to make sense out of something awful. it sounds like your family cares about you. if they can set you up to talk to someone about the trauma that you just endured it would be the best thing for you if they have not already. I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

[bluupup]

two days ago, I went to a rave with my friend and we met these two guys. one of them approached my friend and the other went to me. i thought the guy was really handsome but we were both awkward. I didn't know how to talk to him because I don't go out much and have little social interaction, and I don't even know him. he asked for my number and let me hit his vape and I started coughing and he laughed at me. then we danced a little before he grabbed my face and started kissing me aggressively, and his hand went to touch me and wrap around my throat. i froze up and just let him, i think he was high

he told me let's go to the bathroom, and I don't know why but I followed him. maybe it was because he's older and bigger, probably smarter than me. he raped me there and i let him. it was like a crazy out of body experience and I don't remember the fine details. I told him it hurts but he didn't stop. i could tell he wasn't enjoying himself because he said he needed more stimulation. the entire time i was wondering when it would be over because he was very rough. i was too out of it to satisfy him so he just finished himself off and helped me put my pants back on. he then gave me a kiss on the lips and jaw, that was kinda nice of him

me and my friend had to leave after that and later when i got home i told my family and they were very upset. i was mostly worried about what if i got pregnant and what if my mom kicked me out of the house because im only 18. we went to the hospital to make sure I wasn't injured and law enforcement had to get involved. it turns out i have a tear and some light bleeding, my lower body is very achy, but I don't want to get the guy into any legal trouble

so basically for the people of sanctionedsuicide, I wanted to ask if it's bad that I want to talk to the guy again? what does he think of what happened? did he know that he was taking advantage of me? he seemed very comfortable touching a stranger so he's probably done this before. im not mad at him, every guy in my life has only paid attention to me to look for some sexual favor so im used to it. it felt good to be wanted even if it was just for 30 minutes. he gave me a bracelet and I've been wearing it ever since. he has my number, I wish he would text me or something but I don't blame him since we didn't really have any chemistry and the sex was bad. i kinda latch onto any guy that shows me any kind of affection lol… is my way of thinking just a coping mechanism?

no, as a victim of rape, I think about my rapist every day. it is just a coping mechanism, and you should not go back with him. I understand somewhat how you feel though, and SaSu is here for you.

 

[groovygoober]

There is no way I can relate to your experience but it feels like you are just trying to cope through it one way or another thats just how the brain works , but there is no world where it is a good decision to get back with someone who took advantage of you in such a manner .

I hope you realize the value of your existence irrespective of whether other people want you or not , that realization will never come from the outside .

 

[judestfrancis]

its a coping mechanism. no one ever wants to believe someone could really do that, and so you assume best intentions. its not as serious as stockholm syndrome, but its pretty close. women are conditioned to view assault as some sort of validation, a barometer of being wanted and needed, when its just a person removing power from him.
its not wrong to want to talk to him again, but it is incredibly dangerous to. if he was willing to do that to you upon first meeting him, he is willing to do much worse if you got more serious