rayisnothereyet
Member
- May 9, 2023
- 11
there was this guy i met a few months ago online. (ugh i know) ..on the the first or second day we started talking, we had a phone call and it changed my life. okay maybe a bit overdramatic lol but still it sorta did ! i was so suicidal back then i was already sniffing around for methods ( well i had been for a bit then, but i was considering them more seriously), but that day we called changed everything. if it was fate or chance or whatever, i dont know. but I felt like it was meant to happen, that he was meant to come into my life, no matter how stupid it sounds. that day i woke up late and didn't go to school, i was bored at home and asked him to call and we ended up being on the phone for six hours. i barely remember it now, what we talked about, but he was so fuckikng funny my cheeks burned and hurt when we finished talking. i didn't eat and didn't even wanna get up to go to the bathroom that day because i didn't wanna stop talking with him.
the next day, we called after i went to school. he is in a different time zone than i am, so all day he was texting me, asking when i'd be home, and when i finally came home, we called again. and from that day on, we called nearly every single fucking day. we'd talk about anything and everything. he was so so so fucking funny, he made me laugh so hard so many times. he made my life so much better, and for a while, my brain was finally quiet. it felt like nothing could get to me for those few months. it was like he made my brain have a peace treaty with me. the thoughts would be around the edges like little whispers but i could chase them all away when he was around. i loved him. i love him still. i was so obsessed with him, i still am clearly seeing as i am writing this. but ever since july, i feel like hes been getting away from me and i dont know what i did, or if its something else . at least in july we still called at least once a week, every so often. and then august came and i started college, and i got a bit busy but everything evened out, but we rarely called anymore. but he at least texted me everyday, and i still enjoyed talking to him. and then september came and he started school, and i knew that he would be busy then, but i still wanted him to talk to me, even a little bit. but it felt like he didn't want to. we haven't called for an entire month, and i kept asking him about it, why he isn't texting so often, and he says hes busy with school and friends. i get it. i try and rationalize with myself, i know i can be obsessive at times and i want to give him space, but really nowadays it feels like he doesn't fuck with me at all. he used to text me often, and we wouldn't ever go a day without talking at least a little bit, but now it seems its so easy for him to not text me at all. he goes through like 18 hr, 24 hr gaps without talking to me, when i can see he's just like watching fucking tiktoks or youtube or doing other bullshit on his phone. and when he does text me, all he does is just send me reels, he barely actuall has conversations with me anymore without me having to like essentially beg for it. i just wish that he would tell me if i did something wrong, if he just doesnt want to talk anymore, i wish he'd just tell me to fuck off so i wouldn't feel like...this, whatever 'this' is. i feel like i've given him plenty of opportunities to do that. i don't know what to do. it seems so stupid to get worked up over a guy who lives an ocean away from me, but i can't help it. its not easy to let go of someone who you've spoken to so much and so often. i feel like we've been there for each other, and i know he doesn't owe me anything, but the least he could do is tell me its over. i should just get over it, block him (i tried to do it, had him blocked for a few days but ending up going back), but i just cant.
i hate being stupid like this. maybe im just making myself miserable? who knows.
the next day, we called after i went to school. he is in a different time zone than i am, so all day he was texting me, asking when i'd be home, and when i finally came home, we called again. and from that day on, we called nearly every single fucking day. we'd talk about anything and everything. he was so so so fucking funny, he made me laugh so hard so many times. he made my life so much better, and for a while, my brain was finally quiet. it felt like nothing could get to me for those few months. it was like he made my brain have a peace treaty with me. the thoughts would be around the edges like little whispers but i could chase them all away when he was around. i loved him. i love him still. i was so obsessed with him, i still am clearly seeing as i am writing this. but ever since july, i feel like hes been getting away from me and i dont know what i did, or if its something else . at least in july we still called at least once a week, every so often. and then august came and i started college, and i got a bit busy but everything evened out, but we rarely called anymore. but he at least texted me everyday, and i still enjoyed talking to him. and then september came and he started school, and i knew that he would be busy then, but i still wanted him to talk to me, even a little bit. but it felt like he didn't want to. we haven't called for an entire month, and i kept asking him about it, why he isn't texting so often, and he says hes busy with school and friends. i get it. i try and rationalize with myself, i know i can be obsessive at times and i want to give him space, but really nowadays it feels like he doesn't fuck with me at all. he used to text me often, and we wouldn't ever go a day without talking at least a little bit, but now it seems its so easy for him to not text me at all. he goes through like 18 hr, 24 hr gaps without talking to me, when i can see he's just like watching fucking tiktoks or youtube or doing other bullshit on his phone. and when he does text me, all he does is just send me reels, he barely actuall has conversations with me anymore without me having to like essentially beg for it. i just wish that he would tell me if i did something wrong, if he just doesnt want to talk anymore, i wish he'd just tell me to fuck off so i wouldn't feel like...this, whatever 'this' is. i feel like i've given him plenty of opportunities to do that. i don't know what to do. it seems so stupid to get worked up over a guy who lives an ocean away from me, but i can't help it. its not easy to let go of someone who you've spoken to so much and so often. i feel like we've been there for each other, and i know he doesn't owe me anything, but the least he could do is tell me its over. i should just get over it, block him (i tried to do it, had him blocked for a few days but ending up going back), but i just cant.
i hate being stupid like this. maybe im just making myself miserable? who knows.
