i might just rot again

[enne]

i miss having fun. i miss being a person. i miss laughing. enjoying. i miss just life.

depression hit me harder than any brick.

i dissolved into some weird, angry, creature. i hated everything. hatred turned into existence. i know i have no future, i always kinda knew..

just a back burner.

the death i experienced within that should've killed me.

a lot of things could've, but this was a different dimension. a realm that is literally hell itself. i'm not saying i'm special in any terms for witnessing it, it's unfathomable.

in ways, i find it unfair. incomprehensible.



just take whatever darkness to the point of blindness, blankness. there was nothing. they say hearing is the last to go, i lost that as well. mute. incompetent. lifeless. disengaged to all of anything around.

i didn't want anything.

i felt held to my demise. i was convinced, truly- i had passed.



i don't see a light, however. everyday things are harder, or just the complete same.

i'm aware it takes yourself to pull you out.

i don't hold that strength.

i hold onto nothing.

everyday, if there is such a God, i beg for release. i know i'll never make it- it hurts. it hurts to know i gave up.

it hurts to type this

it hurts to BE ABLE to type this.

i wanted so many things, simple things..

every thing i pushed for has always been wrong.



i honestly want to go. necessity wise.

i hold no value or skill.

i literally cannot escape this hell hole.

i want nothing but to go.



if it's my own hands, my weak hands atp, so be it. i'm utterly consumed in this. i'm tired of begging and pleading and praying.

let me fucking go.



i do love y'all, as twisted as it seems. i love you enough to leave. i don't want you to see me suffer. i don't want the embarrassment of a vegetable. incompatible with others and life. just a fucking nuisance. that's insanity.

i hope you understand.

i need to dissolve.



maybe in another life if you believe in it.

i've wrestled. i know there's nothing where i'm going, but there's been nothing going for me for almost a year. let me rest. let me go.



i just scream every night. i'm so tired and so terrified. it's unfair to live in what i know will never get better. it's all nothing. i'm just awake for it now. i'm living the nightmare. i cant live this nightmare organically.



i've wrestled death numerous times, i've looked him in the eyes. i know him. i want to go with him now and he's even rejecting me.



hell is my life on this earth.

hell is waking up.

hell is me.

hell is with me.