I might have hit the jackpot - cancer!

[JmPittsburgh]

This might be premature, but I can't stop thinking about it and this is the only place I can share it, as will become clear.

I smoked for about 15 years. I quit a couple of years back, but over the last few months I've been feeling all of the classic symptoms of lung cancer - shortness of breath, dry cough, hoarseness, low energy.... I'm seeing my primary care physician in a couple of weeks, and am hoping against hope for a cancer diagnosis. Yes, I know cancer of any kind can be a long and miserable, painful death. But that's if you fight. I don't plan to fight. First of all, I live in a state with a right-to-die law, so if I am indeed terminally ill I will have control over that. Second, even if for some reason I don't meet the state's criteria (I'm sure there's a mental-health loophole in there big enough to drive a truck through; I've never been hospitalized but there are a lot of antidepressants in my blood and have been for quite a while) - there will be a big difference between CTB because I find life unbearable, vs. simply hastening the inevitable via CTB. Everyone will have their chance to say what they want to say to me, nobody will feel guilty or think "if only I had..." etc., etc.

(The TL/DR on why I haven't CTB already via another means - I have a couple of family members to whom I'm close, and I'm pretty sure my suicide would ruin their lives. But there's a big difference between suddenly learning your sibling has killed himself vs. having a disease take him even if it's "too soon".)

(The TL/DR on my method if I can't go through "approved" end-of-life channels: fentanyl overdose.)

(The TL/DR on why people won't be mad at me since I "caused" my cancer [not an unreasonable position]: I lost my dad to lung cancer, and people were just sad. Nobody blamed him for it.)

Like I said, very very premature, but it feels good to write this down. Thanks if you read this far!

 

[Zaphkiel]

Damn.
It's weird saying "fingers crossed" for such a thing but well.
here we are.
Hell of a bingo card.

 

[apooka]

sounds so messed up to say this but i totally get it. it's a lot easier to just die from an illness, compared to ending it on your own. ive often thought maybe it would be nice to have cancer or a fatal illness, but thats obviously speaking from the pov of someone who wants to die anyway. my dad has severe lung issues and it's really awful to see, i hope you don't go through too much pain <3 wishing you the best

 

[Jello Biafra]

This might be premature, but I can't stop thinking about it and this is the only place I can share it, as will become clear.

I smoked for about 15 years. I quit a couple of years back, but over the last few months I've been feeling all of the classic symptoms of lung cancer - shortness of breath, dry cough, hoarseness, low energy.... I'm seeing my primary care physician in a couple of weeks, and am hoping against hope for a cancer diagnosis. Yes, I know cancer of any kind can be a long and miserable, painful death. But that's if you fight. I don't plan to fight. First of all, I live in a state with a right-to-die law, so if I am indeed terminally ill I will have control over that. Second, even if for some reason I don't meet the state's criteria (I'm sure there's a mental-health loophole in there big enough to drive a truck through; I've never been hospitalized but there are a lot of antidepressants in my blood and have been for quite a while) - there will be a big difference between CTB because I find life unbearable, vs. simply hastening the inevitable via CTB. Everyone will have their chance to say what they want to say to me, nobody will feel guilty or think "if only I had..." etc., etc.

(The TL/DR on why I haven't CTB already via another means - I have a couple of family members to whom I'm close, and I'm pretty sure my suicide would ruin their lives. But there's a big difference between suddenly learning your sibling has killed himself vs. having a disease take him even if it's "too soon".)

(The TL/DR on my method if I can't go through "approved" end-of-life channels: fentanyl overdose.)

(The TL/DR on why people won't be mad at me since I "caused" my cancer [not an unreasonable position]: I lost my dad to lung cancer, and people were just sad. Nobody blamed him for it.)

Like I said, very very premature, but it feels good to write this down. Thanks if you read this far!

I have thought of this as well. I'm also a smoker and still do.

I had long wished I could just develop cancer, only because it would be much easier on my mother - who is the only family I have left. Even though we were never very close, I know if she finds out I took my own life, it would be devastating. Knowing I died because cancer and MAID law is something completely different.

In regards to MAID, I don't know what state you are in, but almost all of them require a terminal illness (such as cancer), with less than 6 months to live. So you kind of have to wait until it gets pretty bad before you qualify for MAID.

In regards to MAID and mental health, as far as I'm aware US MAID laws do not include mental illness in their criteria - it's only terminal illness/less than 6 months left. However I know a few of the right to die orgs in Europe do accept people just for mental health problems and no terminal illness. In fact, there was quite a bit of controversy a few years ago when a young girl (I believe in her 20's) took advantage of euthanasia on the basis that she had been suffering from crippling depression for her entire life.

I hope you find peace in whatever you do. At the very least, if it turns out you do have cancer, you will have access to some pretty powerful medications.

 

[raybd]

Yinzer? Any special connection with ol' Pgh? We from a little up past Slippery Rock before movin to New England....

 

[InevitableDeath]

I feel this too. Fingers crossed, might quell the SI a bit.

 

[Motoko]

it's a lot easier to just die from an illness, compared to ending it on your own.

Are you sure? A lot of deaths from illnesses are followed by going through a lot of pain.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Best of luck! A fatal illness + palliative care + assisted death seems like a nice ticket. I know cancer is painful but minus chemo and plus a lot of painkillers maybe it's bearable until you get the Rolls Royce of death methods.

 

[nintendo64]

I had all the symptoms of lymphoma for a long time, but after getting an ultrasound they were just benign. My disappointment was immeasurable. I was really hoping for cancer so I too could just have something out of my control kill me so my family wouldn't feel as bad. I completely understand for someone who wants to ctb a terminal or malignant diagnosis can seem like the best news you could get. Physically, the toll is massive, but at least you don't have to carry around the same burden of guilt as ctb. Best of luck to you.

 

[heydude56]

I totally get it. Hope it turns out well for you

 

[ftm68_99]

Best of luck! A fatal illness + palliative care + assisted death seems like a nice ticket. I know cancer is painful but minus chemo and plus a lot of painkillers maybe it's bearable until you get the Rolls Royce of death methods.

Thing is, you don't want the cancer to prevent you from swallowing the pentobarbitol, cause I believe we have to be able to ingest that on our own.

 

[elenaboo25]

Thing is, you don't want the cancer to prevent you from swallowing the pentobarbitol, cause I believe we have to be able to ingest that on our own.

You can have it administered via an IV, where you have to open the IV yourself. There are contraptions for that that make it so you only have to push a button, even tetraplegics can do that.

 

[ftm68_99]

You can have it administered via an IV, where you have to open the IV yourself. There are contraptions for that that make it so you only have to push a button, even tetraplegics can do that.

Thanks, elenaboo. Good to know.

This might be premature, but I can't stop thinking about it and this is the only place I can share it, as will become clear.

I smoked for about 15 years. I quit a couple of years back, but over the last few months I've been feeling all of the classic symptoms of lung cancer - shortness of breath, dry cough, hoarseness, low energy.... I'm seeing my primary care physician in a couple of weeks, and am hoping against hope for a cancer diagnosis. Yes, I know cancer of any kind can be a long and miserable, painful death. But that's if you fight. I don't plan to fight. First of all, I live in a state with a right-to-die law, so if I am indeed terminally ill I will have control over that. Second, even if for some reason I don't meet the state's criteria (I'm sure there's a mental-health loophole in there big enough to drive a truck through; I've never been hospitalized but there are a lot of antidepressants in my blood and have been for quite a while) - there will be a big difference between CTB because I find life unbearable, vs. simply hastening the inevitable via CTB. Everyone will have their chance to say what they want to say to me, nobody will feel guilty or think "if only I had..." etc., etc.

(The TL/DR on why I haven't CTB already via another means - I have a couple of family members to whom I'm close, and I'm pretty sure my suicide would ruin their lives. But there's a big difference between suddenly learning your sibling has killed himself vs. having a disease take him even if it's "too soon".)

(The TL/DR on my method if I can't go through "approved" end-of-life channels: fentanyl overdose.)

(The TL/DR on why people won't be mad at me since I "caused" my cancer [not an unreasonable position]: I lost my dad to lung cancer, and people were just sad. Nobody blamed him for it.)

Like I said, very very premature, but it feels good to write this down. Thanks if you read this far!

I know we're probably not allowed to list particular businesses, but could you give a general idea of how one might go about obtaining fentanyl? Thanks.

 

[qwert3948]

i have wished so many times to be in your place, i completely understand.

 

[pax420]

Lol I was kind of pissed when I read the title after watching my father in law go thru months of pure pain, suffering , and misery until hospice finally gave him enough morphine and Xanax to help him ctb. On top of thst anything that messes with your breathing really really sucks. I'm on oxygen, nebulizers, and inhalers. I'm in pain all the time and can never catch my breath. But after reading it he rest of your thread, I totally get you. I guess don't judge a book by it's cover actually means something. Messed up as it sounds great hope you get your wish. I also hope you don't suffer long. About a year and a half ago I accidentally od'ed on fent, and was brought back to life. But dieing that way was the most pleasant, relaxing, feeling I have ever felt. Needless to say when I came around people really got an earful. When I ctb on my time that's the way I'm doing it.

 

[FullCircle]

Both of my parents passed from cancer before I finished college.
My mom did crazy amounts of chemo, passed slowly and painfully. I was 18 giving her her meds and hooking her up to oxygen. She was on so much morphine at the end that she didn't know who I was.
My dad spent his time camping, drinking and smoking weed. I know he was in pain but he passed quickly at home.
Before my husband and I got married I straight up told him I will never ever do chemo. Ever.

 

[madwoman]

I feel this sm and have a similar thoughts process. I'm hoping for it too bc yeah it'll be more accepted and then you'd hopefully have time to say goodbye and make your peace bc there is a better timeline and it's more acceptable. It's sad to wish this but damn. I doubt I'd get treatment for mine either. Wish I could take it away from someone who really wants to live!! I have cancer in my fam (my dad died from lung cancer, grandmom stomach cancer) so here's hoping ) I do know if I get a diagnosis, it'll hit different though no matter how suicidal I am.

 

[peacefulsleepnow]

Both of my parents passed from cancer before I finished college.
My mom did crazy amounts of chemo, passed slowly and painfully. I was 18 giving her her meds and hooking her up to oxygen. She was on so much morphine at the end that she didn't know who I was.
My dad spent his time camping, drinking and smoking weed. I know he was in pain but he passed quickly at home.
Before my husband and I got married I straight up told him I will never ever do chemo. Ever.

Same.

 

[darkandtwisty]

I feel oddly disgusted with myself that I am jealous of someone dying of an illness. The proper and acceptable response is "I am sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers". But unfortunately I am actually thinking "Lucky...."

 

[JmPittsburgh]

Thanks, elenaboo. Good to know.

I know we're probably not allowed to list particular businesses, but could you give a general idea of how one might go about obtaining fentanyl? Thanks.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and people like me who do the 12-step thing also get to know a lot of recovering addicts, and hear their stories. I don't think I could ever go so far as asking one of them to help in getting fentanyl directly - but I definitely have learned where in my city to buy heroin (frankly could always just OD on that I suppose), what people say to dealers so they don't sound like cops, as well as where to get fentanyl testing strips (free at any public library!) Funny thing is that I would be hoping for fentanyl, not protecting myself against it... Obviously this would be completely illegal and I cannot advocate it in any way. But that's the truth and it's more realistic than it might sound.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

I imagine scenarios like this sometimes. A nice doctor says to me, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you have cancer / heart failure / some other serious thing".

I say something like, "It's okay, doc, I don't mind!", and start walking out.

The doc says, "Wait, you need to go to hospital!"

"No I don't!" lol

 

[HansaNull]

I'm jealous. My mom died of cancer, and i've been wishing for the same outcome since. I don't care about pain, i want to feel what she felt..

 

[lawlietsph]

I always feel so awful for saying this, but i wish this would happen to me too. Any kind of sickness. I would only ask for strong painkillers, and that's it.
i want to die so bad

 

[2muchpain2]

However I know a few of the right to die orgs in Europe do accept people just for mental health problems and no terminal illness. In fact, there was quite a bit of controversy a few years ago when a young girl (I believe in her 20's) took advantage of euthanasia on the basis that she had been suffering from crippling depression for her entire life.

The biggest issue with this is they charge around $25,000 USD which is simply not something most of us have. :(

 

[capi]

However I know a few of the right to die orgs in Europe do accept people just for mental health problems and no terminal illness. In fact, there was quite a bit of controversy a few years ago when a young girl (I believe in her 20's) took advantage of euthanasia on the basis that she had been suffering from crippling depression for her entire life.

Do you have a link to that article? Just curious. I thought all those orgs even automatically banned anyone under 30