I JUST WANNA CRY! How much relief do you have when you have a peaceful method available?

[Daisy88_99]

I just wanna cry, but no tears are coming out. Researching a method is so overwhelming and honestly what I would do without this website. Probably would have ended up ending it in a painful way but I had that option for so long and didn't do it. I am just tired. The weight of everything feels enormous and I just need peace and I know at least having peaceful method available would give me that at least. I swear people who are not pro-choice anger me so much, it's like they enjoy watching people suffer. I literally can't comprehend that mindset. Fuck everyone who isn't pro-choice!

I just wanna know. How much relief did you get when you got your peaceful method?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I acquired SN a few years back and, it brought me some peace. Although, I don't feel like I can use it till my Dad goes first so- I do basically still feel trapped here. If anything, it can feel hugely frustrating to know it's there, know I'm ready personally to go. I'm desperate to go to be honest. But, still to feel like I can't yet.

What's more, my SN expired early this year. I suppose it may still be ok but then- my Meto is expired by many years now also. So, it feels like the risk factors just keep increasing, the longer I have to leave it.

Like you though- the anxiety I feel at likely not being able to get more (SN seems much harder to get in the UK now) or the worry over trying to choose and prepare a different method is huge. To feel trapped here almost generates a sense of panic.

 

[nihacc]

I haven't obtained it yet, because I'm still waiting on some conditions that must be met before I can get a firearm, but it's pretty much in the bag. Right now it just feels like I'm running down the days until the inevitable. Not necessarily like a terminal illness, but an urge that is desperately waiting to be satisfied. It is sort of relieving in a way, since I know soon I will no longer be around to internally suffer, and a multitude of other reasons.

I could describe the feeling so far as being in acceptance of my own fate. A faint growing satisfaction.

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

I just wanna cry, but no tears are coming out. Researching a method is so overwhelming and honestly what I would do without this website. Probably would have ended up ending it in a painful way but I had that option for so long and didn't do it. I am just tired. The weight of everything feels enormous and I just need peace and I know at least having peaceful method available would give me that at least. I swear people who are not pro-choice anger me so much, it's like they enjoy watching people suffer. I literally can't comprehend that mindset. Fuck everyone who isn't pro-choice!

I just wanna know. How much relief did you get when you got your peaceful method?

Yes I'm kinda grateful for being able to get my hands on SN and benzos alongside finding this site. I'm having constant physical pain and disabled, so having the option to CTB without it being super painful is kind of relieving for me.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I just wanna cry, but no tears are coming out. Researching a method is so overwhelming and honestly what I would do without this website. Probably would have ended up ending it in a painful way but I had that option for so long and didn't do it. I am just tired. The weight of everything feels enormous and I just need peace and I know at least having peaceful method available would give me that at least. I swear people who are not pro-choice anger me so much, it's like they enjoy watching people suffer. I literally can't comprehend that mindset. Fuck everyone who isn't pro-choice!

I just wanna know. How much relief did you get when you got your peaceful method?

I understand that, I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so overwhelmed right now, looking for something like that can be tough, huh? How about coming back when your in a calmer state of mind and try again? That's what I do when I have to do serious things that scare me. Yeah, I don't get that either. People can be cruel and don't try to understand.

I think when it comes, I'll hold it close, I'll feel a sense of emptiness and warmth. "You're finally here. My friend. My home." What do you think you'll feel like?

 

[itsallogrenow]

I felt so happy and peaceful. My tag under my username used to literally be "at peace".

My 10g of Amitriptyline tablets arrived yesterday but I don't have the same sense of peacefulness due to reduced chance of it working and length of time it can take

 

[Dejected 55]

I have times when I am all cried out... that feels worse than crying, because you want to release but there's nothing to release.

I felt peace the first time I was going to attempt, because I thought I had a good method. But I failed... twice in one night trying that method... and I've been frustrated and on edge ever since. I tried again a slow method, starving and dehydrating, but I eventually failed at that when it wasn't going how I expected and I bailed by calling for medical help. I don't know what to do now. I had a bunch of panic attacks while recovering from my last round. I'm still very anxious and on edge and waiting for all the shoes to drop around me.

 

[Bybye]

It was a shortlived peace, 'cause I can't test run it before commiting. I was so sure my first attempt would work and it was a complete failure so I'm a lot more wary with SN.
I was so happy when I saw I had a prescription for domperidone, too... but then I picture myself going through the motions again only to fail once more and it just kills the excitement, the peace, the everything.
I wish I could trust myself 100% to go through with it. I didn't hesitate with the rope, but partial hanging is just a tad bit uncomfortable. I didn't get that "oh shit, I'm dying" moment. I don't know how I'd react to it.

 

[Daisy88_99]

I understand that, I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so overwhelmed right now, looking for something like that can be tough, huh? How about coming back when your in a calmer state of mind and try again? That's what I do when I have to do serious things that scare me. Yeah, I don't get that either. People can be cruel and don't try to understand.

I think when it comes, I'll hold it close, I'll feel a sense of emptiness and warmth. "You're finally here. My friend. My home." What do you think you'll feel like?

That's a good question and idk exactly what I would feel. There have been times were I planned to CTB tomorrow and I had a method, but the method was painful so I just couldn't go, but all I needed to do was get out the house and in my car and I think if I did that, I would not be here right now.

I don't think that compares cuz that method was painful but I hope I don't feel like that. I think I would feel at peace and the years I spent searching, would finally be worth it. But I am a person who overthinks a lot, so tbh, my primary feeling would prob be fear and I would just think of everything that could go wrong.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

What seems the most probable? Are you sure you want to die?

 

[Bitterly_Nostalgic]

I have something that is very probably SN, but I haven't tested it yet so I still don't know for sure. I've decided that I'm going to take one more try for help to get better, and I am determined for it to work this time, so honestly having this thing hidden away in my closet makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. The idea of testing it, the thought that it actually is SN gives me a sense of dread. I worry if I get too many really bad days that I can't handle, I'll lose all hope again and end up making an attempt with it.

But I'll admit, at the same time, there is also a slight sense of peace within me by having it as well. I likely have a way out if treatment doesn't help me after all. If things start to actually get better and I find myself genuinely wanting to live, I will turn it over to my family and ask that they dispose of or destroy it for me. I can't do that myself, there's a very good chance I would give into the temptation to keep it rather than remove it. But for now I'm not willing to give up the security of a possible escape.

 

[Daisy88_99]

What seems the most probable? Are you sure you want to die?

Oh yeah, I am 100% sure. I've thought about it for years. It might sound counterintuitive but even when I am 100% sure I just overthink A LOT. There is not a moment of peace in my mind when I am alone, except when I am distracted like when hanging with friends and laughing. However, even that is short lived cuz any slight inconvenience just brings all of my feelings to the surface and I just want to LEAVE that situation, like idk how to exactly explain it but I am certain I want to die tho.

 

[soullessnes]

I totally feel the same way. It pains me to see when somewhat painless methods are getting hard to get. Do they want people to suffer for a lifetime? I definitely won't be abke to suffer until the end.
I'm in Europe and looking for SN as an option if I'm ablrr to get it and also researching other painless methods just to feel in peace and have an option.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

O

Oh yeah, I am 100% sure. I've thought about it for years. It might sound counterintuitive but even when I am 100% sure I just overthink A LOT. There is not a moment of peace in my mind when I am alone, except when I am distracted like when hanging with friends and laughing. However, even that is short lived cuz any slight inconvenience just brings all of my feelings to the surface and I just want to LEAVE that situation, like idk how to exactly explain it but I am certain I want to die tho.

Okay, I hope you find a method that brings you the peace you want. I hope you can come to a decision you are happy with.

I'm here if you want me to listen more.