Venting I hate when people don't try to understand my reasons

[SoulCage]

Today, I had a conversation with a therapist who seemingly does not understand what I am going through. So I felt the urge to share my thoughts here and also ask what people think about this bullshit advice:
"You are currently suffering, because you are fearing a future that may never be reality - why are you doing this to yourself, you could live in the moment instead."

I get that. But you know what? I prefer thinking about the possibilities than not thinking about them at all. Without them, I feel like I am not protected or prepared. This feeling is in my experience way worse than my current situation which is: the fear of making bad decisions prevents me from doing anything that changes my situation, including desires. I no longer have any desires or goals, because trying to achieve them just leads to more pain (as it has been in the past). This situation sucks, I can't deny that. But for me it's more bearable than the conditions of my past and possibly my future.
There are different levels of pain and the therapist's "advice" was simply ignoring that. I think she was just trying to help me realize that, but i hate it that she didn't ask me why I feel like this and instead just told me "there is no point in suffering right now". There is a reason and I wish she would try to understand me instead.

Anyone else who can relate?

 

[Imeavie]

I have heard similar enough times that if I had a dollar for every time, I would be rich enough to buy happiness.
I have been told "you can just choose to be happy", "you're still young enough to change your entire life around" (im almost 30), etc. etc.

If we were not suffering right now, we would not be looking to a future, or afraid of what it will/wont bring.
I hate that you are going through that, and if you are able (I know we get stuck with what we get sometimes) I would change therapists.
I hope things do improve for you, even if its me selfishly wanting to live vicariously through others (who knows at this point).

My advice may not be profound or even helpful, but I often read, watch TV, or do anything I can to distract myself at all times.
Maybe this well help you get through the day at least.

 

[Dejected 55]

This is a peeve of mine. The same people who will chide you for assuming your future will be bad because "the future is unknown" or whatever... are the SAME people who five seconds later will tell you "it gets better" in that same unpredictable unknown future.

So, which is it? Guess about the future or not? And why is my guess based on a lifetime of historically bad experience less valid than someone else's fantasy of a happy future?

Slight tangent... but it's also the same when people tell you to not worry about what other people think of you and only worry about how you perceive yourself... then will come right back at you later with all the things you need to improve or say/do to other people in order for them to like you. Again, which is it? Be myself and like myself and screw what other people think? OR it's important what other people think if you want to have a job or a relationship or something.

 

[SoulCage]

This is a peeve of mine. The same people who will chide you for assuming your future will be bad because "the future is unknown" or whatever... are the SAME people who five seconds later will tell you "it gets better" in that same unpredictable unknown future.

So, which is it? Guess about the future or not? And why is my guess based on a lifetime of historically bad experience less valid than someone else's fantasy of a happy future?

Slight tangent... but it's also the same when people tell you to not worry about what other people think of you and only worry about how you perceive yourself... then will come right back at you later with all the things you need to improve or say/do to other people in order for them to like you. Again, which is it? Be myself and like myself and screw what other people think? OR it's important what other people think if you want to have a job or a relationship or something.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. A lot of truth in your words. I am happy that I am not alone - that others are experiencing the same shit. Although I also wish I was the only one with those problems, because it hurts so much knowing that others also suffer like me.

They always tell you to have hope that things get better, but at the same time say that nothing is for sure.

They always tell you to be yourself, but then tell you that you have to change how you think and how you cope.

They always say that there is help, but then tell you that you are rejecting the help if there isn't any improvement.

They always tell you to take one step at a time and then overload you with thousand "you should do this to get better".


I fucking hate myself for not being normal, that I don't have any desires that justify the pain. I hate existence, I hate the pain, I hate the anxiety.
And mostly, I hate the fact that despite everything, despite suffering every waking moment, my survival instinct still triggers and wants me to continue to suffer. It wants to believe the lies, because it is coded this way.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Even therapists in our culture are straight up uncomfortable handling negative emotion. At the very least they could encourage us to be neutral as opposed to forcing the toxic positivity. I cut off a former friend permanently for shoving AA platitudes in my face.

 

[Dejected 55]

The sad thing for me is... when I was a kid I didn't like myself. I was all kinds of self-conscious and that may have gotten in my way sometimes. But at some point as an adult I realized I was a good person, I deserved to be happy and have a relationship and a family and so forth. I came to like the person I had grown up to be and feel like I was worth loving.

But then... nobody ever loved me. I was always alone. It didn't matter that I was comfortable in my own skin, not self-conscious, that I would stand up for myself and speak my mind, that I did reach out and be vulnerable and kind to others. Nothing I ever said or did mattered, and it didn't matter that I liked who I was. When I hated myself, the world made more sense... I deserved pain because I wasn't worthy. Once I began to like myself, the world made no sense.

Don't get me wrong, nobody owes me anything. Nobody has to like me... it's just... why is it that nobody loves me? I just need one person to love me. I never wanted to be a player and attract all the ladies or break hearts or whatever men are taught to be and do. I just wanted to be myself and meet someone I liked and had things in common with so we could build a life together. I feel like I am deserving of that happiness and I wish I could share that with someone else and make her as happy as she would make me.

And now I've had my eyes opened and I realize it just is never going to happen no matter what, and I no longer want to try. I've had enough. I still like who I am, but when no one else does, I don't want to be here anymore.

 

[SoulCage]

) I would change therapists.
I hope things do improve for you, even if its me selfishly wanting to live vicariously through others (who knows at this point).

My advice may not be profound or even helpful, but I often read, watch TV, or do anything I can to distract myself at all times.
Maybe this well help you get through the day at least

It's not the psychotherapist who said it, it was an occupational therapist who supports the group I am currently attending at a clinic. This is only temporary, I will be kicked out in 4 weeks, because then they say I have learned everything necessary to be on my own again.
Honestly though - the longer I am there the more I realize I am fucked and I have to ctb. I also say that to the doctors, but they don't give a fuck. They will release me knowing that they tried everything to help me and it's okay that I have to go through the horror of life - hoping that the horror of death is strong enough to keep existing, to be a productive member of society, to be a taxpayer, to keep the system alive.

And about the distraction advice - yes, I am still glad I have methods to distract myself. But that only works until the next time I am forced to make decisions that are needed to ensure future existence.. I don't have any income, only savings and one last person who supports me financially, because he believes I will return to being this person I once was. There is a lot of pressure that makes the distraction lose its power...

 

[timechained]

It's bad advice based on ignorance. The present only exists because we are aware of the past and the future.

To constantly fluctuate between what we perceive as present, past, and future and to imagine scenarios is actually healthy.

When it becomes paranoia, delusions, etc. and/or stops us from doing anything is when it becomes unhealthy. Seeking help is important but also imagining scenarios that are positive-based also helps otherwise you just reinforce the fear.

 

[Imeavie]

Im sorry youre dealing with all that.

I understand where you're coming from because Im homeless on couches running out of options, disabled with no official income, almost no clothes, and also living off money from my brother who thinks I have a future I can get back to.

I wish I had advice to help you, some answer that keeps me going outside my obligation to my grandparents.

However, my messages are always open if you ever feel like it would help you get through the moment in some small way. I wont try to promise you anything, or even try to save you. I just know what its like to need someone to be there without trying to fix everything, and being upset when they cant.

If you do decide to ctb, I hope you at least find peace near the end.

 

[snoopyfan22]

I get so frustrated with stuff like that. I understand most people are just ignorant to how it feels to be suicidal and mean well but I hate when people don't even want to hear you out or understand it. I think the worst thing people say is that it's your choice whether you "want" to be happy and insinuate that you'd try harder if you really want to get better. It's just such a mean thing to say and they don't even realize it.

 

[kamyzyak]

I can relate. I was used to hearing similar words from my therapist, and it perplexed me too. Although I rarely got the feeling that he wasn't trying to understand me, or that he was talking complete nonsense, have you discussed these feelings with her? Maybe she just doesn't have very good rhetorical skills, or she really lacks empathy and personally I would consider changing therapists in that case.

What about that idea, in my case it did make sense, but I had to learn to find a balance between not worrying about the future at all and trying to plan for it a few years ahead, trying to consider every possibility. That is, dealing with problems as they come, worrying about what I need to do and what I can affect now, rather than six months later if this and this or this, this and this happen.

The problem with ideas like this is that you can't just take them on faith because they actively compete with personal beliefs, experiences, habits. I had to spend a large number of sessions arguing with a therapist before these words stopped annoying me and started to make sense.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I can relate. It's especially difficult when you keep hearing words from people who have "gone through the same" but just don't want to hear you out. It's why I turned to these forums in the first place, at least no one here was too wrapped up in trying to convince me not to CTB.