i hate that i’m such a coward

[nemesis_]

i'm crouched down in the shower, my noose dangling from the tap. i have everything i need to ctb. but i'm absolutely terrified of failing and ending up disabled. i wish i had benzos to curb this stupid fear. suicide is the most logical, rational course of action in my situation. but SI isn't logical and doesn't care how good your reason is. i'm considering drinking some whiskey but i find that alcohol doesn't lower my SI enough. idk what to do anymore. i need to do it today but i just can't. i've always been stupidly hypersensitive and anxious. i fucking hate myself.

 

[Kurwenal]

I'm sorry you're in that horrible place where death is what you seek and it's right there before you. I would argue that it's not cowardice to be concerned about a failed attempt resulting in permanent physical and/or intellectual disability. It is a very sad but very real prospect that we need to be aware of. For any of us in attempting, death is the goal, but it is imperative to have the equally important goal of avoiding a situation where you fail and are left even worse than before, even though it often feels like that can't be possible. You are not cowardly for being realistic.

I'm so sorry that you hate yourself so intently. When our own body and mind are against us, existence is hell on earth. I don't have anything particularly valuable or supportive or useful to say, and I'm sorry my words can't help you in this most vulnerable time. But I really do want to stress that fearing that a failed attempt may result in even worse circumstances than thought possible is not cowardice. It is acknowledging a regrettably real possibility.

I know this reply is several hours later than your own post. I just hope that in some way, you manage to find peace within yourself, however it may come to you.

 

[nemesis_]

I'm sorry you're in that horrible place where death is what you seek and it's right there before you. I would argue that it's not cowardice to be concerned about a failed attempt resulting in permanent physical and/or intellectual disability. It is a very sad but very real prospect that we need to be aware of. For any of us in attempting, death is the goal, but it is imperative to have the equally important goal of avoiding a situation where you fail and are left even worse than before, even though it often feels like that can't be possible. You are not cowardly for being realistic.

I'm so sorry that you hate yourself so intently. When our own body and mind are against us, existence is hell on earth. I don't have anything particularly valuable or supportive or useful to say, and I'm sorry my words can't help you in this most vulnerable time. But I really do want to stress that fearing that a failed attempt may result in even worse circumstances than thought possible is not cowardice. It is acknowledging a regrettably real possibility.

I know this reply is several hours later than your own post. I just hope that in some way, you manage to find peace within yourself, however it may come to you.

thank you for your kind words also dw, this is plenty valuable and supportive.

 

[Kurwenal]

thank you for your kind words also dw, this is plenty valuable and supportive.

I hope that you're in even a little bit less anguish than when you first posted, by whatever means. It'd be a small victory, but when we're at rock bottom, those small victories really are something that can be worth latching onto, at least for a while. I wish you the best, whatever may come.

 

[Betsy007]

I've been there. Hanging is damn difficult. I practiced, I tried and I just couldn't. I don't know how anyone manages it. Don't hate yourself for it, I think most of us are in this boat. Maybe try the night-night method. Though I never attempted with that method, the practicing was way easier and I felt like I could actually go through with it. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/