Venting I hate people

[Doz]

Why is it such a chore to interact with anyone? It feels like everyone is just putting up a wall and I can never actually connect no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter what setting you put me in. Surround me with people I have a 100% match in common interests or a group of people into something I've never heard of. It's all the same. Been doing this same 24/7 loner shit, this same song and dance for over a decade now. I've tried fucking countless times to make some kind of change, but I've been pushed to the point of exhaustion. There's nothing more I can feasibly do. And people will nod their head when they hear "It gets better". I am proof it does not. And not from a lack of trying. I'm so tired of the bullshit excuses I hear from people trying to earn internet points. Just hearing in 500 different possible ways "It's your fault basically."

I've tried to socialize more. I've tried to be more interested in people. Even when my inner dialogue tells me I'm bothering them, I keep going in the face of doubt. But no one ever asks about me. It's always just a one sided interaction. It's like I'm the one who always has to suck up to everyone else. I'm never on anyone's mind, but people are always on mine. That's because everyone is selfish. Everyone only talks to me if they have something to gain. No one really gives a shit. That is my role in life. To be the background character in everyone else's lives. I'm one of possibly many posts you've read on here that you'll forget about in the next 5 minutes. I will have fulfilled my purpose very soon.

But I'm just like everyone else. Why did I want friends in the first place, let alone someone to talk to? To finally rid myself of my nearly life long crippling loneliness. I don't think I gave a shit either. I was just desperately trying to latch on to anyone I could because I don't want to be alone anymore. But I now know that it was a mistake to even try in the first place. Not everybody, but some people in this world are doomed to loneliness forever. Anyone that ever actually cared at some point left me a long time ago for better or worse. I'm gonna make it a point to shut myself off now just like everyone else. I usually try to pick myself back up, but I'm really hoping I don't fall into that trap ever again. Because it's hurting me. There is very obviously nothing I can do.

If there's anything you can take away from this thread, it's that just because someone has done it before; Just because someone beat the odds so to speak, doesn't mean anyone can do it. I think this fact of my life has made me believe in fate in a cruel, twisted way. When will one good thing happen to me.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

I feel ya.

 

[Dejected 55]

Times like this I am reminded of the nerd in me and a quote from some classic Star Trek. Specifically in The Next Generation... Miles O'Brien is forced to deal with an alien race on the Enterprise (Kardassians) who previously were at war with the Federation but were in a tense peace situation now. Miles didn't like interacting with them due to his experiences in the war. At one point in the episode he and a Kardassian were at the bar and Miles says to him, "It's not you I hate, Kardassian... it's who I became because of you."

It's really poignant and a reminder of how war changes people... it's one thing in the moment in the war to have to do things to survive or to win or whatever... but how it changes you as a person going forward, the memories and feelings that stay with you... O'Brien could deal with the new peace with them and the end of war that no one wanted... but how does he deal with the changes in himself as a man that he is stuck with after the war? He can't be the man he used to be anymore, and he didn't like parts of who he had to become to live through the war.

Anyway... I think about that in the real world and not about war, but about the trauma that comes from not being able to navigate society for one reason or another and how it makes you feel over time... and I think... I don't hate specific people for the most part, but I hate what this world has forced me to become.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think some people build boundaries. Likely because they have been hurt in the past. So- there may be that going on. Some will lower those boundaries if they grow to feel like they can trust you but then, some still won't.

I suppose it's just luck too. With so many people in the world, some of our connections will become mutual friendships, others fair weather friends. Others will just never really take or drift apart easily.

It's a shame- if you have had many multiple attempts at friendship, that none have really developed or stuck but also, I think the very close friendship is pretty rare. I'm 46. Not the most social butterfly but I've only had a couple of very close friendships.

I suppose it's almost like falling in love except- maybe even more challenging because we can get fooled by lust in romantic relationships. But, friendships need to click on so many levels I think for them to be viable.

Really, even people I've felt that excitement around- because we were so aligned in terms of interests and feelings- we still drifted apart. I suppose I just see it as almost inevitable now. Unless both people have that same deep need for one another- because it requires effort too. And, if it starts to feel like excessive effort or a chore- people quit- sadly.

 

[badatparties]

Most people are hurt and are just trying to get by. They put up walls cause they've had people smile in their face and stick a knife in their backs before. It's rare that you find people who want the absolute best for you with no hidden agendas.

People might be more open if they hadn't seen people do evil shit over and over again their entire lives.

 

[Ligottian]

Suppose you have a friend we will call John. John falls in with a group that doesn't like you. Mocks and ridicules you. Soon John is doing the same thing. Been there, done that. Or rather had it done to me.

 

[StoneCellaiver]

Suppose you have a friend we will call John. John falls in with a group that doesn't like you. Mocks and ridicules you. Soon John is doing the same thing. Been there, done that. Or rather had it done to me.

I hate how this is so common. We've all just become crabs in a bucket. Nobody wants to go out of line, and everyone just hurts each other without realizing it.