Venting i hate how toxic and dangerous i became

[darknessisfine8]

yesterday . i saw a girl in the park .

she was so cute . around 25 . and she was wearing a pink sweater . with black hair .


she was writing a journal and i could see her smile .


i saw for a second how beautiful she was ( aesthetically . i mean )

and i tried to get near to her . i didnt wanted to flirt or anything . i just wanted . to be next to her . for a few second .


the sad part however . was that . she was terrified when she saw me .

and just walked away .
i never wanted to hurt her . for a second i was really confused . but then . i realised why .


i saw myself again . with weird scars all over my body . with a hand that almost looks red from distance cuz of sh .
my red eyes and weirdly long hair .


i realised how much hate i dispense to people . i was really broken into pieces .


to realise i can never have such a normal life .

that i can never enjoy a simple writing or video game and i just keep sh as my main time pass activity .


i never wanted this . everything to turn out so bad .

i didnt wanted to hurt anyone .

i could remember the memories i used to think of a simple life . a simple car . or a simple house . reading . or drinking a cup of tea .

now . its all gray . whenever i try to do something fun it just makes me feel worse .

that i cant enjoy something that is supposed to make me feel better .


i used to see the world in such wonder . now everything is meaningless and without color .

humans turned into animals .
and the nature into chaotic atoms for me .

the entire world turned so meaningless and small for me .


thats not the sad part .

the sad part is that im never gonna be capable for such a fragile and beautiful kind of living creature .

im never gonna be a helpful person in life of a girl which sees the life that wonderful . with such an angle .


im never meant for people like her . im even dangerous to them .
depressing to them .


and im sad i will never have such a simple life .

i just hope i could make things better but i know enough that i can say its almost impossible .

i dont just mean how my life turned out . thats not possible on a philosophical view as well .


that i can see how meaningless . chaotic and absurd the world is .


i wish there was a way i could see it simple again

 

[calebzz1]

yesterday . i saw a girl in the park .

she was so cute . around 25 . and she was wearing a pink sweater . with black hair .


she was writing a journal and i could see her smile .


i saw for a second how beautiful she was ( aesthetically . i mean )

and i tried to get near to her . i didnt wanted to flirt or anything . i just wanted . to be next to her . for a few second .


the sad part however . was that . she was terrified when she saw me .

and just walked away .
i never wanted to hurt her . for a second i was really confused . but then . i realised why .


i saw myself again . with weird scars all over my body . with a hand that almost looks red from distance cuz of sh .
my red eyes and weirdly long hair .


i realised how much hate i dispense to people . i was really broken into pieces .


to realise i can never have such a normal life .

that i can never enjoy a simple writing or video game and i just keep sh as my main time pass activity .


i never wanted this . everything to turn out so bad .

i didnt wanted to hurt anyone .

i could remember the memories i used to think of a simple life . a simple car . or a simple house . reading . or drinking a cup of tea .

now . its all gray . whenever i try to do something fun it just makes me feel worse .

that i cant enjoy something that is supposed to make me feel better .


i used to see the world in such wonder . now everything is meaningless and without color .

humans turned into animals .
and the nature into chaotic atoms for me .

the entire world turned so meaningless and small for me .


thats not the sad part .

the sad part is that im never gonna be capable for such a fragile and beautiful kind of living creature .

im never gonna be a helpful person in life of a girl which sees the life that wonderful . with such an angle .


im never meant for people like her . im even dangerous to them .
depressing to them .


and im sad i will never have such a simple life .

i just hope i could make things better but i know enough that i can say its almost impossible .

i dont just mean how my life turned out . thats not possible on a philosophical view as well .


that i can see how meaningless . chaotic and absurd the world is .


i wish there was a way i could see it simple again

Well, know that it wasn't your fault based off her reaction.

I don't judge people at all in person considering I'm barely functional off my drop honestly, deadass could see a feral ghoul from Fallout (LOL!) at my next appointment and treat them with kindness at this point.

I wish my life was simple as well, everything is "moment to moment" and I have to struggle a lot with my movement daily as it's the brutal reality of being visually impaired as a young man.

I miss those days of waking up and being able to do my old hobbies without a second though i.e. reading a book, watching television + movies and playing videogames.

Now, that's a goal I'm striving for everyday and it's wild how a disability can change everything.

 

[telekon]

I would argue that people are generally scared of strangers, especially if you catch them staring at you, and very especially if it's a man and you're a woman.

Anyways, I just read this whole post and thought it was really sweet. It's honestly Mary Shelley's Frankenstein's monster which is a brilliant American classic... Maybe you are covered in scars and that is what scared her away. Self harm is such a dangerous habit because it gets written all over your body. Everyone has bad habits but yours mark you physically which is so unfortunate for you... You should stop.