I give up

[sohopelessandempty]

I feel so pathetic but I just can't do this for the rest of my life, recovery is impossible for me, and I've decided I'm not going to try anymore. It never brings me any good, and hopefully I can ctb before college starts, like in August or something. Maybe I should've posted this in the suicide discussion section, but I don't know. I'm open to people trying to change my mind but it's pretty made-up already.

 

[minoumyheart]

i relate to everything youre saying, having tried and failed recovery many times returning to this headspace. the push and pull is exhausting. i feel sometimes setting my mindset on "recovered" is the loftiest goal around. so im settling for "okay enough to care for my cat well" and "able to do nice things for others" as my goal for now. factoring in forever into the equation makes everything seem so pointless and distant in the horizon for me.

thinking of you, you arent pathetic at all

 

[sohopelessandempty]

i relate to everything youre saying, having tried and failed recovery many times returning to this headspace. the push and pull is exhausting. i feel sometimes setting my mindset on "recovered" is the loftiest goal around. so im settling for "okay enough to care for my cat well" and "able to do nice things for others" as my goal for now. factoring in forever into the equation makes everything seem so pointless and distant in the horizon for me.

thinking of you, you arent pathetic at all

Maybe I should lower the bar too, full recovery is too difficult at the moment(and maybe forever). Thank you for your kind words, I'll be thinking of you too and I hope we both somehow find peace one day.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I'm sorry to hear that you've given up on recovery. I've seen a couple of your threads and it made me smile when you said you were going to try to recover. I do hope that something is able to change your mind between now and August. If not, then I hope you're able to find peace <3.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I'm sorry to hear that you've given up on recovery. I've seen a couple of your threads and it made me smile when you said you were going to try to recover. I do hope that something is able to change your mind between now and August. If not, then I hope you're able to find peace <3.

Aww thank you this means a lot to me. I'm sort of undecided, I try but it's so hard to even find the energy. Your words mean a lot to me, I'll consider staying alive. Thank you, and I hope you find peace too <3.

 

[owo]

I feel so pathetic but I just can't do this for the rest of my life, recovery is impossible for me, and I've decided I'm not going to try anymore. It never brings me any good, and hopefully I can ctb before college starts, like in August or something. Maybe I should've posted this in the suicide discussion section, but I don't know. I'm open to people trying to change my mind but it's pretty made-up already.

I feel your current state. You spending more and more time to reach happiness, or maybe just feeling ok. You are not pathetic. Its just about our (unfortunately) reality. Maybe you cant fit in. Maybe its so hard to you. But there are a ability to create your own world with your ideals, where your "weakness" is not a weakness. Its about a something timed, not permanent.

Actually i didnt get all context, but i tried.
Sending best wishes to you

 

[etherealgoddess]

I feel so pathetic but I just can't do this for the rest of my life, recovery is impossible for me, and I've decided I'm not going to try anymore. It never brings me any good, and hopefully I can ctb before college starts, like in August or something. Maybe I should've posted this in the suicide discussion section, but I don't know. I'm open to people trying to change my mind but it's pretty made-up already.

If you want to stay, you should. Even if there's a bit of you that wants to be here, you should stay. I get that may people want to end it and so many people are valid for that. But those people are usually really screwed—they have some horrible mental or physical impairment that puts them in pain 24/7 and nothing can get them out the misery. They are ACTUALLY hopeless. If you can hold on with a ton of meds, stay. Get on the meds.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

If you want to stay, you should. Even if there's a bit of you that wants to be here, you should stay. I get that may people want to end it and so many people are valid for that. But those people are usually really screwed—they have some horrible mental or physical impairment that puts them in pain 24/7 and nothing can get them out the misery. They are ACTUALLY hopeless. If you can hold on with a ton of meds, stay. Get on the meds.

My meds only help with my adhd, the depression never goes away. I understand what you mean but I'm just so tired. I'm not sure I want to stay.

I feel your current state. You spending more and more time to reach happiness, or maybe just feeling ok. You are not pathetic. Its just about our (unfortunately) reality. Maybe you cant fit in. Maybe its so hard to you. But there are a ability to create your own world with your ideals, where your "weakness" is not a weakness. Its about a something timed, not permanent.

Actually i didnt get all context, but i tried.
Sending best wishes to you

Thank you <3

 

[owo]

My meds only help with my adhd, the depression never goes away. I understand what you mean but I'm just so tired. I'm not sure I want to stay.

Thank you <3

you should dont stop, not about to "everything will be ok" and etc, but there is a chance something will settle down.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I can relate so much to what you say, particularly the part of you that wants to hold on. It's a little sliver in the overall fragment of hopelessness. It keeps piercing and poking at that sense of futility, and you're not sure if you should let it in, or if it's lying to you and you ought to kill it as if it were a virus.

I'm curious what recovery means to you, and what your attempts are like. I'm also curious what sorts of meds you are on currently and if you have tried any in the past.

I'll say this- there's no cure. At least, I don't really think there is. From my experience, my neuroticism is a relatively stable trait, but it's flexible rather than fixed. In other words, I will always be predisposed to my neurotic traits, but they lessen with age and time and better coping skills and experience.

Is it a lot of effort trying to keep the neurotic beast within my head at bay? Absolutely. I can see why that would feel daunting and tiring to you. I've felt that before. You have to decide if that's worth it to you. If it means building healthier habits, maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe it's too much and not really worth it. You have time to decide. Suicide itself is irreversible, but the option will always be there.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

you should dont stop, not about to "everything will be ok" and etc, but there is a chance something will settle down.

But that's what everyone says. And yes that is true, but there is also a chance it won't. You could say there's a chance, however big or small, for almost everything in the world. I've dealt with depression since I was 5, the chances it will settle are very slim in my opinion. I do enjoy people telling me I should live though, it makes me feel cared for. Thank you.

I can relate so much to what you say, particularly the part of you that wants to hold on. It's a little sliver in the overall fragment of hopelessness. It keeps piercing and poking at that sense of futility, and you're not sure if you should let it in, or if it's lying to you and you ought to kill it as if it were a virus.

I'm curious what recovery means to you, and what your attempts are like. I'm also curious what sorts of meds you are on currently and if you have tried any in the past.

I'll say this- there's no cure. At least, I don't really think there is. From my experience, my neuroticism is a relatively stable trait, but it's flexible rather than fixed. In other words, I will always be predisposed to my neurotic traits, but they lessen with age and time and better coping skills and experience.

Is it a lot of effort trying to keep the neurotic beast within my head at bay? Absolutely. I can see why that would feel daunting and tiring to you. I've felt that before. You have to decide if that's worth it to you. If it means building healthier habits, maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe it's too much and not really worth it. You have time to decide. Suicide itself is irreversible, but the option will always be there.

Even though the option is always there, some timing is better than other timing, I'd have to wait until it's a good time. Or at least as good as timing can be for suicide. So if I miss the chance if I get an opportunity, I have to wait until the next one comes along. I'll probably live and not bother though. It's all so tiring. Also I'm on Ritalin and Wellbutrin, and a sleep med.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Even though the option is always there, some timing is better than other timing, I'd have to wait until it's a good time. Or at least as good as timing can be for suicide. So if I miss the chance if I get an opportunity, I have to wait until the next one comes along. I'll probably live and not bother though. It's all so tiring. Also I'm on Ritalin and Wellbutrin, and a sleep med.

What does "a good time to commit suicide" mean to you? Explain what sorts of conditions you would require. I'm curious.

Well if you're going to stay alive, you might as well try right? Not to repeat myself, but how do you define recovery? What sorts of recovery strategies have you utilized? If you were declared recovered, what would that look like?

Have you told your doctor that your medications aren't working for your depression? Is there anything you'd like to possibly try?

 

[owo]

I've dealt with depression since I was 5,

feeling sad about you

 

[Kamaainakupua]

The title caught my eye, and my mind inmediately flashed to "surrender", as in stop fighting. I've been bounced through a lot of the meds you mentioned, and they've currently maxed me out on the one they're currently prescribing, but I still relate, acutely, to what you're saying about your feelings, especially the overwheming weariness. I literally JUST felt the beginnings of a sore throat, which usually precedes a nasty cold/flu, and mind is already making mountains out of mole hills.
All I can offer you is my unconditional love, dosed with a sprinkling of hope for the possibility of a better future. Yes, it sucks now. Yes, it probably won't get a lot better any time soon, if ever. The pain I experience is mostly from the conflict of trying to force things to change, rather than go with the flow.
You are here, and you keep coming back to reply, so part of you hasn't given up completely. And who knows, maybe you can help us (you already have helped me, just by starting this thread, and sharing honestly).
However you decide to move forward from here, know that you are loved. I hope you find the peace you are seeking, one way or another.

 

[pinapellicer]

I feel so pathetic but I just can't do this for the rest of my life, recovery is impossible for me, and I've decided I'm not going to try anymore. It never brings me any good, and hopefully I can ctb before college starts, like in August or something. Maybe I should've posted this in the suicide discussion section, but I don't know. I'm open to people trying to change my mind but it's pretty made-up already.

Hi, i'm in college as well and dealing with strong ideation. Would you like to chat?

 

[barleybarley]

I feel so pathetic but I just can't do this for the rest of my life, recovery is impossible for me, and I've decided I'm not going to try anymore. It never brings me any good, and hopefully I can ctb before college starts, like in August or something. Maybe I should've posted this in the suicide discussion section, but I don't know. I'm open to people trying to change my mind but it's pretty made-up already.

I made my mind up over a decade ago and it was still worth going to college, at least for the stories and adventures. I argue to experience as much as you can and find the help you can before making any decisions. I used to think I always wished I did it when I was a lot younger, but even later years in college proved good enough stories to make it last longer. Just going and they don't *actually* care usually if you take breaks from classes or gain/lose weight or anything. Sometimes you just gotta keep surviving and having fun for a bit longer

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I made my mind up over a decade ago and it was still worth going to college, at least for the stories and adventures. I argue to experience as much as you can and find the help you can before making any decisions. I used to think I always wished I did it when I was a lot younger, but even later years in college proved good enough stories to make it last longer. Just going and they don't *actually* care usually if you take breaks from classes or gain/lose weight or anything. Sometimes you just gotta keep surviving and having fun for a bit longer

This makes me feel very hopeful actually, thank you so much. Maybe college will be fun, or at least a fresh start. Would you say you are happy now though? Like better mentally?

Hi, i'm in college as well and dealing with strong ideation. Would you like to chat?

Hi sorry no thanks, I don't do private chats or anything with anyone here for privacy reasons and also personal reasons. But replies to posts and stuff are fine. I hope you find peace.

feeling sad about you

Aw :( thank you. I have mixed feelings about people feeling bad for me, part of me has always craved it since I grew up throwing myself pity parties(in my head, not outwardly) because if I didn't feel bad for myself, nobody would. There is sort of this weird comfort in misery and self-pity. But when other people pity me, it'll make me feel comforted but only if it's in the right way. It's hard to explain but I hate when people pity me in a condescending way or something. I just want people to actually care, and that's why they feel bad, not because I'm seen as lesser than or pathetic or because they feel like a good person if they feel bad for me. So thank you. You made me feel validated.

The title caught my eye, and my mind inmediately flashed to "surrender", as in stop fighting. I've been bounced through a lot of the meds you mentioned, and they've currently maxed me out on the one they're currently prescribing, but I still relate, acutely, to what you're saying about your feelings, especially the overwheming weariness. I literally JUST felt the beginnings of a sore throat, which usually precedes a nasty cold/flu, and mind is already making mountains out of mole hills.
All I can offer you is my unconditional love, dosed with a sprinkling of hope for the possibility of a better future. Yes, it sucks now. Yes, it probably won't get a lot better any time soon, if ever. The pain I experience is mostly from the conflict of trying to force things to change, rather than go with the flow.
You are here, and you keep coming back to reply, so part of you hasn't given up completely. And who knows, maybe you can help us (you already have helped me, just by starting this thread, and sharing honestly).
However you decide to move forward from here, know that you are loved. I hope you find the peace you are seeking, one way or another.

I've had a very long day, this actually means the world to me. Thank you so much. You make me feel like somebody actually understands. That is one of the reasons I keep coming back here. Also yeah being sick makes it so much worse, even if the cold isn't that bad it's just another bad thing on top of the huge mess that is my life. I hope you feel better soon, in both ways. Also I understand what you said about surrender. Not fully giving up and committing to ctb but also not fully committing to recover and stay alive creates this weird gray area of push and pull that is honestly(for me at least) more exhausting than either one of those options, and yet I do it anyway. I think once you are truly set on something, it's easier than the push and pull even though both choices come with their own struggles. But if I can't commit to either one, I am just trapped. Letting life push me around, or fighting it, not even sure what I'm trying to fight or what I even want anymore. Sometimes I wonder why bother trying instead of surrendering, if it all seems to turn out bad anyway? So then logically I should either get better or surrender, but it's not that simple or easy obviously. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. I offer you my unconditional love too. And I like how instead of like "normal" people do, you admit the truth which is that it might not get better, instead of people lying to our faces to make us feel better but it doesn't work because things haven't gotten better. Going with the flow and letting life do whatever seems less tiring, but then it means I give up. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. Because even if it all turns out the same, if I fought at least I can say I tried. I want to quit but I also want to at least experience college and eventually moving out once I have enough money(things are rough in the US economically so I can't move out as soon as college starts, and I don't want to anyway. Some people prefer debt over the cost of their mental health living with family, but I think the debt would just make me feel worse regardless.) I want to at least experience those things before deciding to ctb or not, but it is so difficult to wait so long. Maybe I should forget about August and instead tell myself to just experience one year of college, and if I really, truly want to die after that, I can let go. Or even farther in the future, force myself to wait until I've experienced a year of living on my own/with my boyfriend. Now that I am thinking of the future, I am really unsure about the things I said in my original post. There is something deeply sad about dying at 18, not even being an adult for one whole year yet. Not even giving it a real chance. The chance of what it's like to be independent, to experience new things and the new freedoms that come with it, college, buying a house, buying a car, etc. And my bf and I had plans to get married at some point after graduating college, I always wanted to marry him. And if I die, I'll never get to be his wife like I promised. And I promised him that I would live. It all makes me so sad. The thought of never seeing him again. I don't want his first year of college being tainted with my recent death. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of it all. There is no winning. No matter what you choose in life there is always some sort of sacrifice and I am so sick of it all. Of everything. It wears you down and once you've finally hit the ground it kicks you anyway. Even though you're already down. It's never enough. I hate living and I hate all the things that come with dying and what if I was wrong about death(I'm an atheist) and there IS an afterlife, and what if it's bad? What if I suffer for eternity? I've never done something bad enough to go to hell if it exists(at least I don't think I have), but it's not just about that. Just the afterlife in general. If I kill myself just to basically still be alive just in another way, what was the point? And then all I can do is watch the way people reacted to my death and watch my boyfriend go into a deep grief. I don't understand why things can't be easier. I just want peace. I want to sleep forever. I'm exhausted.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

You made me feel validated.

I love that fine line between empathy (compassion), and pity (condescendion). The empathy I feel here at SaSu is why I fell in love at first glance. For those catching the bus, those who called a friend to pick them up from the bus stop, and all those in between, there is someone here who will say, "I know that feel, and I see you." (Watched Avatar: Fire and Ash recently, so...)
There's a line from The Highlander, where the villain says, "Better to burn out than fade away", and that feels perfect for this place.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

What does "a good time to commit suicide" mean to you? Explain what sorts of conditions you would require. I'm curious.

Well if you're going to stay alive, you might as well try right? Not to repeat myself, but how do you define recovery? What sorts of recovery strategies have you utilized? If you were declared recovered, what would that look like?

Have you told your doctor that your medications aren't working for your depression? Is there anything you'd like to possibly try?

I could've sworn I replied to this before but can't find my reply anywhere, I don't know, I am too tired to think of a lot of these things. Everything is so complicated why does it all have to be so much work, living, dying, surviving. Maybe I'll edit this message when I am more clearheaded with real answers to your questions. Do people get notifs when you edit a reply to them? Anyways, I do have answers I just can't think much right now. I'm so sleepy but even sleep doesn't give me the true rest I crave.

I love that fine line between empathy (compassion), and pity (condescendion). The empathy I feel here at SaSu is why I fell in love at first glance. For those catching the bus, those who called a friend to pick them up from the bus stop, and all those in between, there is someone here who will say, "I know that feel, and I see you." (Watched Avatar: Fire and Ash recently, so...)
There's a line from The Highlander, where the villain says, "Better to burn out than fade away", and that feels perfect for this place.

That line is so good omg, you're right. I hate how this site gets painted as something so terrible when it has helped me, and many others a lot actually. And maybe websites or internet spaces like these wouldn't exist if people in our actual lives were more compassionate, or if it was easier to get help, if things were different, a better world, you get the idea. And then we get shunned for coming here.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I could've sworn I replied to this before but can't find my reply anywhere, I don't know, I am too tired to think of a lot of these things. Everything is so complicated why does it all have to be so much work, living, dying, surviving. Maybe I'll edit this message when I am more clearheaded with real answers to your questions. Do people get notifs when you edit a reply to them? Anyways, I do have answers I just can't think much right now. I'm so sleepy but even sleep doesn't give me the true rest I crave.

That's fair. I've been in a place where all the effort of trying just felt like too much and giving up and saying fuck it was far easier. As you put it, I was tired.

You did reply, but I found it interesting you glanced over my "what does recovery mean to you" question. I can understand how I came across as interrogating. I most certainly didn't mean to overwhelm you or come across as aggressive haha.

It is true that recovery is a lot of work. Surviving in and of itself is a lot of work, especially in a post-industrial world that has made us more alienated and less connected than ever. It sounds like there's a lot of things you'd like to live for or are looking forward to, but you're overwhelmed by your emotional pain and don't know if it's worth fighting for internal peace just to hold onto these things. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it or not.

The reason I am curious how you view recovery is I wonder if you have an unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky ideal of what recovery means. This was my personal experience. I've come to the realization that I'll probably never be cured, and I'll have to maintain my inclination to emotional instability for the rest of my life. However, if that means incorporating habits that are just healthy, period, I'm fine with that! I personally love my emotional sensitivity and wouldn't trade it for the world. I'd just like for such a trait to be advantageous rather than my Achilles heel.

To me, what recovery looks like is a strong sense of self-acceptance. It's a goal I think is worth pursuing. It's not easy to build, but I don't want to give up, and I am eager to foster a healthy relationship with myself. What recovery looks like is subjective: results may vary. That's part of what makes emotional shit so tricky. It's not as objective as physical medicine.

I find it interesting you consider going with the flow like @Kamaainakupua suggested to be giving up. To me, I interpreted that as letting go of unrealistic expectations and learning to just be. I feel changes are easier to implement when I can accept myself for who I am, and see recovery as a process, a journey, rather than a means to an end with a certain objective or standard to meet.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

That's fair. I've been in a place where all the effort of trying just felt like too much and giving up and saying fuck it was far easier. As you put it, I was tired.

You did reply, but I found it interesting you glanced over my "what does recovery mean to you" question. I can understand how I came across as interrogating. I most certainly didn't mean to overwhelm you or come across as aggressive haha.

It is true that recovery is a lot of work. Surviving in and of itself is a lot of work, especially in a post-industrial world that has made us more alienated and less connected than ever. It sounds like there's a lot of things you'd like to live for or are looking forward to, but you're overwhelmed by your emotional pain and don't know if it's worth fighting for internal peace just to hold onto these things. It's up to you to decide if it's worth it or not.

The reason I am curious how you view recovery is I wonder if you have an unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky ideal of what recovery means. This was my personal experience. I've come to the realization that I'll probably never be cured, and I'll have to maintain my inclination to emotional instability for the rest of my life. However, if that means incorporating habits that are just healthy, period, I'm fine with that! I personally love my emotional sensitivity and wouldn't trade it for the world. I'd just like for such a trait to be advantageous rather than my Achilles heel.

To me, what recovery looks like is a strong sense of self-acceptance. It's a goal I think is worth pursuing. It's not easy to build, but I don't want to give up, and I am eager to foster a healthy relationship with myself. What recovery looks like is subjective: results may vary. That's part of what makes emotional shit so tricky. It's not as objective as physical medicine.

I find it interesting you consider going with the flow like @Kamaainakupua suggested to be giving up. To me, I interpreted that as letting go of unrealistic expectations and learning to just be. I feel changes are easier to implement when I can accept myself for who I am, and see recovery as a process, a journey, rather than a means to an end with a certain objective or standard to meet.

No you didn't come off as interrogating, I have just been very mentally strained. I'm not sure what recovery even means to me anymore. I'm too tired to think deeply about it. I'm just sick of this endless torture, I just want it to stop. I want peace. If I was numb I think I could tolerate life but it just feels so agonizing most of the time. I'm really, really tired.

 

[pieberry]

You seem kind. I hope you decide to stick around. I relate to your feelings; life is insanely exhausting to me. The exhaustion is the #1 reason I feel hopeless. My biggest embarrassment is my lack of motivation to do anything. I'm either awake all day doing practically nothing or sleeping all day because I can't make myself do anything else even though I want to. College was one of the happier times of my life imo, mostly because everyone was nicer than they were in high school, and you can choose something that interests you. I know some people don't like it, but it made me feel like I was doing something meaningful, probably because it forces you to have goals and a routine. And, a lot of people there really care about what they're doing which is kind of infectious. I think it's also okay to take less classes and start slow if that's what you need to do. Sorry to talk about myself, I hope it's relatable and not just me rambling.

 

[Cloud Busting]

No you didn't come off as interrogating, I have just been very mentally strained. I'm not sure what recovery even means to me anymore. I'm too tired to think deeply about it. I'm just sick of this endless torture, I just want it to stop. I want peace. If I was numb I think I could tolerate life but it just feels so agonizing most of the time. I'm really, really tired.

Take care of yourself. Take a break, clear your mind, and gather a new perspective.

Of course with the nature of life, you may not have the opportunity to take a break. Yet it doesn't seem like thinking about this sort of stuff is what you're ready for. Just meet yourself where you're at, then you can come to the hard questions later. Hoping the best for you.