NiveusAnima
Member
- Apr 19, 2025
- 16
Title says it all. I absolutely fucking hate being this damn lonely.
I have no friends, no family, no pets. All I have is a single person. And yeah, I'm not stupid enough to not be grateful for the one person I have, but fuck me if it isn't lonely. It's not like I can be an urchin in his side all my damn life. We've got shit to do that isn't constant catering to each other, like work, or breathing air that doesn't taste like depression and shitty Top Ramen packs made in a microwave.
As a schizo who spent years taming his own psychosis, I definitely have the voices in my head as company, but it isn't like the idea of that alone is any less fucked than being lonely all the damn time. It's like I'm behind a window, forced to watch other people be happy and shit while I suffer just by existing.
Why did I have to be the one that goes through this shit? I'll admit I wasn't some kind of model fucking citizen all my damn life, but there's reasons for the way I used to be. Reasons I'm still fucking mad about having to live through. Like rape, starvation, beatings, verbal and emotional abuse, and being abandoned by my family after they realized I was a perfect example of how abuse ruins lives.
Abuse of all kinds, and for what? For the bastards who abused me to get away with it? For me to live on broken and dead inside while they go about their lives being normal, functional human beings that smile and hug their family members and shit? The only person who actually got what they deserved was my mother, but she's not guilty of much more than some beatings and being a bit less crazy than I am. She has valid reasons to be as fucked-up as she is, just like me. But what about the others? The people who reminded me I'm less than nothing while they forced me into shit nobody would want to do? They just run around in their little microcosm of shit and shitty people, unpunished for all the things they've done? I'm not religious, but if there is a god, I'm gonna kill it with my bare fucking teeth if I meet it, because I didn't deserve to suffer all my damn life just to look to the future and feel nothing but disappointment, fear, and sorrow.
Look at me. Threatening nonexistent deities just because I'm angry and in pain. If I'm not the example of just how pitiful life as a human being can get, I don't know what is.
Fuck, I hate being lonely. I have to scream into the void that is the internet for some sense of relief, even if that relief is just as unhealthy as cutting myself, all because I don't have jack shit to look forward to in my life. I can guarantee I wouldn't be so fucking hung up on life if I wasn't so fucking alone. Suicide is looking mighty fine right about now - at least I won't be lonely with my corpse surrounded by other dead losers.
Fuck.
I have no friends, no family, no pets. All I have is a single person. And yeah, I'm not stupid enough to not be grateful for the one person I have, but fuck me if it isn't lonely. It's not like I can be an urchin in his side all my damn life. We've got shit to do that isn't constant catering to each other, like work, or breathing air that doesn't taste like depression and shitty Top Ramen packs made in a microwave.
As a schizo who spent years taming his own psychosis, I definitely have the voices in my head as company, but it isn't like the idea of that alone is any less fucked than being lonely all the damn time. It's like I'm behind a window, forced to watch other people be happy and shit while I suffer just by existing.
Why did I have to be the one that goes through this shit? I'll admit I wasn't some kind of model fucking citizen all my damn life, but there's reasons for the way I used to be. Reasons I'm still fucking mad about having to live through. Like rape, starvation, beatings, verbal and emotional abuse, and being abandoned by my family after they realized I was a perfect example of how abuse ruins lives.
Abuse of all kinds, and for what? For the bastards who abused me to get away with it? For me to live on broken and dead inside while they go about their lives being normal, functional human beings that smile and hug their family members and shit? The only person who actually got what they deserved was my mother, but she's not guilty of much more than some beatings and being a bit less crazy than I am. She has valid reasons to be as fucked-up as she is, just like me. But what about the others? The people who reminded me I'm less than nothing while they forced me into shit nobody would want to do? They just run around in their little microcosm of shit and shitty people, unpunished for all the things they've done? I'm not religious, but if there is a god, I'm gonna kill it with my bare fucking teeth if I meet it, because I didn't deserve to suffer all my damn life just to look to the future and feel nothing but disappointment, fear, and sorrow.
Look at me. Threatening nonexistent deities just because I'm angry and in pain. If I'm not the example of just how pitiful life as a human being can get, I don't know what is.
Fuck, I hate being lonely. I have to scream into the void that is the internet for some sense of relief, even if that relief is just as unhealthy as cutting myself, all because I don't have jack shit to look forward to in my life. I can guarantee I wouldn't be so fucking hung up on life if I wasn't so fucking alone. Suicide is looking mighty fine right about now - at least I won't be lonely with my corpse surrounded by other dead losers.
Fuck.
