Venting I feel trapped in this world and the life that I’m living.

[BlueButterfly111]

Sometimes I wish I would've killed my self a long time ago after my boyfriend passed away, because it's just been an endless drudge ever since then. I don't like the world, I don't like living in society, I don't like people, I don't feel happiness or joy or love, I'm just existing. And to me there's no point in doing this, the best part of my day is literally going to sleep, so what's the point of being alive?

I keep on hoping that one day God or the universe, or something or someone will give me something to live for because I just can't kill myself right now. I have this little glimmer of hope, that maybe something will happen, and I'll find joy in life again. I keep on telling myself that if I was able to meet my boyfriend and find happiness, then it's possible for me to find happiness like that again one day, because that was the last time I was truly happy, before he died.

Or maybe I will find happiness in something else, like a career, or solitude, or spirituality or something else. I find life meaningless without love, and I don't feel love for anyone else besides my boyfriend who passed away, and I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I honestly feel very annoyed by everyone and everything around me most of the time unless I'm drinking. I try to mask it most of the time, especially at work and stuff, but I think I come across as inauthentic and people make it seem like I'm just an asshole or a weirdo, or just someone who doesn't want to change, but I've tried to change. It's just something about me that's different and the only way my personality changes is through substances, but I think it could be something else going on, which is why I want to see a psychiatrist. I loved my boyfriend because he was special to me, he was different, he wasn't like everyone else. I think if I ever loved anyone again, it would have to be someone like him, or at least someone different, because I just don't feel anything for most people.

I keep finding myself in environments where I have nothing in common with the people there, and I feel empty and like the life has been drained out of me every single day. I keep thinking that once I'm completely independent and I'm completely free and on my own, I'll be happier. But everything is so expensive nowadays, and I'm at a job making scraps trying to save for a car, the whole process of doing just this feels like the life is being drained out of me. It seems like it might take a long time for me to be financially independent, and I also want to see a psychiatrist badly as well. I'm tired of just existing, but I can't kill myself basically, so I feel trapped.

I know that there's probably some kind of life that I could have that would make me happy or satisfied, and I know there's probably something I could be doing. I really enjoy writing, and I'm a good writer, and I'm very creative and imaginative, I got all A's in school for reading and writing, I wish I could find something to do with that, maybe I could write a book, or find some kind of career or something, but idk what it could be. I know that there also has to be something or someone out there that I could find love and happiness with, it's just hard to find.

Idk what to do, I feel like I want to go back to school, but only for something that I'll enjoy doing, or at least be able to be good at doing without being completely miserable. I also feel like I just need some kind of help and guidance, which is also why I want to see a psychiatrist. Side note: I'm also just so confused by this place, like I'm not religious, but I feel like I'm spiritual because I've seen spiritual things before, but I'm so confused on what to do here or what's the point?!!!

Also feels like I'm running out of time on what to do, because I'm getting older and I don't want to keep doing this if I'm gonna live past my 20's. I'm 23 now, so I still have time, but I can barely do what I'm doing now, and idk what I'm supposed to do or should be doing. I know that time is completely arbitrary and everything, but I just don't want to keep wasting my time in life. It's difficult because I feel like I have a learning disability and I need help and accommodations like I had back in school, but I don't know if I will be able to get the help and accommodations I need in life, I hope I can, but I just don't know. I just feel like I need help and guidance, and I don't want to end up going back to school, just to get a job that will make me completely miserable, I'm so lost! I feel so lonely.

 

[timf]

Sometimes artistic people like writers can connect with each other at venues in the artistic part of town. However, writing is more of a solitary undertaking which can make it difficult to connect with others. Sometimes a person can find satisfaction with a trade like welding or cabinet making. Some times spending three years in the military allows one to have things taken care of for them as well as learn a skill that they can use later.

Besides finding an environment that is more comfortable, one can experiment with how to make the environment you are in more suitable. This can involve trying different activities, taking leisure classes, volunteer work, or even athletics.

 

[Ajorpoq]

My partner recently passed away as well. Your struggle really resonates with me. I do not know what the way out of this red room is.

 

[whitetaildeer]

I lost the love of my life to suicide a month ago. She was perfect in every sense of the word and my greatest regret is not trying to be the same for her, and for running from our relationship when things got too difficult.

I can't give nor pretend that I have amazing wisdom to bestow you. Everything seems to lose its meaning when you lose "the one." The only thing that keeps me going is that I am living for a very specific purpose, that being her. I live, because she would want me to. I hope some day that my purpose will expand upon that, but it helps me keep going, and it does make each day a little more bearable, because continuing to live wraps around to being another act of love for her.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

I lost the love of my life to suicide a month ago. She was perfect in every sense of the word and my greatest regret is not trying to be the same for her, and for running from our relationship when things got too difficult.

I can't, nor will I, pretend that I have amazing wisdom to bestow you. Everything loses its meaning when you lose "the one." The only thing that keeps me going is that I am living for a very specific purpose, that being her. I live, because she would want me to. I hope some day that my purpose will expand upon that, but it helps me keep going, and it does make each day a little more bearable, because continuing to live wraps around to being another act of love for her.

I have nothing to add but I just need to say that this is just beautiful and I got really emotional reading it.. I find it so so so admirable how you turned what could've been devastating grief into your life's purpose. Simply beautiful.

I know that there's probably some kind of life that I could have that would make me happy or satisfied, and I know there's probably something I could be doing. I really enjoy writing, and I'm a good writer, and I'm very creative and imaginative, I got all A's in school for reading and writing, I wish I could find something to do with that, maybe I could write a book, or find some kind of career or something, but idk what it could be. I know that there also has to be something or someone out there that I could find love and happiness with, it's just hard to find.

Have you tried writing poetry? Poetry kinda helped air out my feelings in an aesthetically pleasing way (especially in french), but I never got around to finishing more than one full poem (I am very much a perfectionist). I have a friend though who completed a full collection she posted online and that was her way of expressing her pain. So maybe that's something you could look into?